I don't know if it's the holidays or what, but I'm falling into a funk of, I guess, a little bit of depression. I feel like I'm stuck in second gear. I can't seem to accomplish anything, I've been procastinating, I think of how I could have done things differently, have twinges of guilt, falling asleep has become difficult - and once I fall asleep - I don't want to wake up. WTF. Making plans isn't a priority, I'm having some issues dealing with the first anniversary of my dad's death - some of which may be compounded by this one provider that keeps billing me even though they have been told ad nauseam that they need to bill hospice. My mom's progress has been somewhat stagnant and I wonder if things will get any better for her. Yes, she has her life. We fought like hell for that, but the quality of life isn't of much quality. She's still sleeping the majority of the day, still tube feeding after two years post treatment, etc. She's not the same person, mentally or physically. I just don't know. We were told this would probably be the hardest thing that she'd ever have to go through, but I guess I didn't comprehend the extent and ripple effect of the disease, and how doctors interpret success versus how I interpret success. I knew the extent of her disease was serious, very serious - but I suppose I didn't realize that life would never be the same for us. I'm just having some difficulty adjusting. Fortunately I have more good days than bad, but this last month or so has been tough. Lately, I just don't look forward to anything at all. My drive and ambition are at a standstill. I don't like this feeling and I need to kick myself in the ass and stop feeling victimized. I'm having a little trouble getting over that hurdle right now though. Maybe I need to learn to process information differently. Life is difficult at times and I thought I was getting back on the saddle, but my mind is getting the better of me right now. I was talking with someone in the building where I live and I guess I shouldn't complain given his story. The poor guy lost his dad and brother within six weeks, then his wife left him and then his house burnt down. He's a pretty upbeat guy given what he has been through, I've got to learn to roll like that. There's so much to live for if I can jump start myself, but I just don't feel excited about anything at the moment. Why the hell am I having these feelings? How can I turn this experience into anything useful? Does anyone else experience the periodic blues? Any suggestions? Thanks.
Dave