Hi, All.

I just wanted to give you an update.

I saw my SO on Friday. It wasn't the best news, but it's kind of what I what I expected.

I told you all that my tonsillar tumour is HPV-. My SO is still convinced that this is a new primary tumour vs. a recurrence.

I asked him what this meant prognostically and he couldn't give me an answer because I don't fit into any of the demographics. He said...this is your second carcinoma, separated by significant amount of time, and you don't have any risk factors. He said that he doesn't like that this has happened at all. Further, he said that he thinks I have a good chance of beating this because I am young and that they are going to be very aggressive in my treatment because I can handle it. He said that I am going be basically watched like a hawk. *Sigh*

I know this isn't the most clear, flowing post I have written. I just wanted to sputter out the basics.

Treatment begins Wednesday, with chemo and rads. I will have chemo every Wednesday, and radiation daily. I feel exhausted and the wheels haven't even hit the road yet. I have a cold, too. F'n fabulous as I have to put that gigantic bite block into my tiny mouth and breathe through my nose. Sorry, just venting...rambling.

I feel like this has been the longest month of my life...waiting for treatment to begin. The first time I had OC, I was diagnosed and surgery was 2 weeks later and the cancer was gone. This time around, just knowing that it's been in my body dividing, thriving has made me nuts! Just get it out, kill it so it doesn't kill me!

I'm trying to remain grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life and all of the help I have...the amazing things that people are doing for my family. At this moment, I feel guilty because I am so angry and bitter and sad for myself. Cognitively, I know that guilt is a useless emotion, but I have just mastered it lately. I just want to scream. I feel like there needs to be a line of people waiting to shake me back and forth and slap me across the face (like in "Airplane").

Rant over and out.

Later my friends...