Heres the deal, I am a bit better today and apologize for being such a complaining whimp. A few may have missed this, I have not started RADS treatment yet and have the sore that popped up about a week ago maybe week and a half. I did not have any pain what so ever til about the same time ago, And the sore bleeds usually after I brush my teeth or do my flouride trays. I feel they have waited too long and my cancer is already coming back into play so I feel I am about to go through all this for nothing. So this has my emotions falling apart thinking I am trying so hard for nothing, keeping my mouth extra clean , quitting smoking and drinking , eating healthy , walking every morning and staying focused. It only hits me when I look in the mirror or when I spit out the toothpaste or flouride and see red.

And that really is the story of my life and past week or so, seeing red. What I mean by the docs, do you think they see the sore and know it is possibly still cancer but believe the chemo and radiation will take care of it? My thing is, why did they say I was a stage II right at surgery then after I get the death sentence number of IV? I really feel I wasted my life and I am not ready to die yet, there really is good inside of me, I swear I have a good heart but my previous selfishness and addiction took that away. I am only on vicodin right now and my perodex mouthwash, so I know it cant be that messing with my mind. I really need someone to be blunt as hell with me right now!

I go in monday for all my bloodwork and chemo on tuesday, I am prepared for all of that. I am not prepared for this crap to be back already, that is the true kicker. I do not like the unknown, I would actually feel more comfortable is they just said I have no friggin chance and to go live it up. I just hear the same ol' thing, I am young and stand a great chance at beating this etc etc. But if the good percentage of survivors are of those who caught it early and went to super badass hospitals then my future is looking dim. I am a product of the county who take their time with everything, and got staged the highest after surgery. I have changed my lifestyle, and never plan on looking back, I just want to catch a break, just one. Thank you all for listening, I have been good through most of this, it is just the sight of this little small pimple on my tongue screwing with me. My fiancee says not to worry because the docs would have said something, and also says even if it is that she believes the radiation and chemo should destroy it. Boy I hope she is right, as Joey Ramone once said " I just wanna live, Ive got to live my life. "

Sincerely,
Nathan ( the young pain in the ass frack )