A few months ago I posted about my next door neighbor being Dx'ed with Stage I SCC of his voice box. He told me that ALL he was having was concurrent chemo and rad and that his doctor told him it would be a breeze compared to me. He said that he had told him about my horror stories. He was a lifelong heavy smoker. I tried to talk to him but he just didn't want to listen since his doctor assured him his Tx was going to be a piece of cake. Well we pretty much know how that story went and he's finished now and recently told me he fully understands what I was trying to warn him about. LOL But here's my problem, one night when I was walking Buddy in my back yard I smelled smoke coming from his back yard and saw a red tip in the darkness that had to be the tip of a cigarette. His non smoking wife was also out of town. That was early on in his Tx. Yesterday my wife spoke to his wife and she said that she is so mad because he is back to smoking, just not as much. My wife is after me to talk to him but after reading some of your posts about what you thought of people tell you not to smoke I don't know what to do.

oh mercy - a hard one. she wants you to do it and be the hero hoping it will work if it is you and she knows it wont if she does it ... won't if you do either hon.

may cause a rift if you keep at him, but it won't make him stop. you already warned him and he has resolved in his mind that he can do it and either will face the consequences or is believing there wont be any because the cancer is now gone.

i would tell his wife you do not feel you should and encourage her to speak to his doctor. that is the only person who would be able to change his mind if anyone can.

I don't think you can take on this battle for him. He knows what needs to be done.

Better to be available for support, by remainng on good terms with him (which could otherwise become strained), if he decides to stop smoking.

There is one thing I know about smokers. You can't make them stop. I'm sure he needs your support more than anything.

David, I totally agree with the members that says not to push the subject with him in regards to smoking. It could cause hurt feelings and you can't change someone who has the desire to smoke. Your kindness, frindship, and knowledge will mean the world to him when he is ready to ask. His wife will probably end up handling the issue. My Mother complained to my Dad all his life about being overweight and drinking milk. (He loved milk!) All her complaints ever did was make him drink more, and to hide it when he drank it. She said he was a milkaholic. lol

I wish you all the luck in making your decision on handling such a touchy situation. Angel

David....

Nothing you can say will get your neighbor to quit smoking. It will just alienate him from you which wouldnt be good. He could probably use your guidance on handling the after tx issues. You are a smart guy to know to tread lightly when it comes to the smoking issue. Only he can stop on his own.

I had a friend who was a Milkaholic, but he stopped when his doctor pointed out that he was getting calcium buildup in his joints.

I have an Idea: install a really nice granite headstone in his back yard near where you saw him light it up. Let him suggest what should be engraved on the stone. After that don't let any of his behavior bother you (or us here either)

Oh did I say that in my outside voice??????

I really don't understand why your wife thinks you should be getting on you neighbor about his smoking.

Are you best friends or something?

I would walk up to him while he was smoking and slap him! And then I would tell his mother. LOL..JK.

Some people won't quit...ever. My stepfather had two strokes but because "HIS" doctor said smoking didn't cause his strokes he started smoking again! Smokers will use any excuse to light up. I've tried to get my whole family to stop one time or another and they all still smoke. All of them. I'm going to start slapping my mother(she has emphysema), stepfather(he had 2 strokes) and sisters! Not a hard slap..just quick sharp slaps. David, why don't you try it on your neighbor and let me know how it turns out? I'm a little afraid to slap someone. LOL..I'm sorry I find that a little funny. If you see someone smoking you can slap them, not a hard slap just a quick one--that should be a law...LOL..okay I'll stop now.

In Cuba, I think it's legal to stab someone in the a$$...that would get him to quit; although, you'd have to take him to Cuba for that to work out...then that is not even a guarantee he'll quit smoking.

I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth here. My sister died from lung cancer and emphasema (at age 47) in spite of going to MDACCC for Tx. She smoked right up until the end. My next door neighbor had his voice box removed and continued to smoke though his trach tube hole (gross). He died too. I guess if there is no hope then what's the point of quiting.

Don't waste your breath or energy trying to talk him out of it. As in any addiction, the addict has to WANT to quit. If he doesn't know the dangers and risks by now he must live in a cave on a deserted island. Nothing you say is going to change that.

All the joking aside from my previous post I agree with Gary, that the "addict" has to want to quit. I tried hard, very hard to get loved ones to quit smoking. They all still smoke. I had a great uncle smoking in the hospital while he was dying from black lung. I saw a complete stranger smoking while pulling that little green oxygen tank. The point is, I can tell by your post that you want to do something...But, David, let's be realistic here--nothing you do or say will make your neighbor quit smoking. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt and all the headaches to prove it. If cancer didn't do it, you won't.


Okay--I said all this and just got off the phone with my mom. I asked her if she stopped smoking yet? She said, "I have to quit smoking but I had a few." She has emphysema...my mother cannot walk up or down the stairs, or go grocery shopping without huffing and puffing. She had a spot removed from her tonsil two weeks ago(it wasn't cancer)...will she stop? No, I'm afraid she will smoke until the day she dies...It hurts to see my mom this way and I tell her so & she still smokes. If a son can't make a mother quit then you as a neighbor can't either. You can try but it will be a headache. I still think slapping would work! Maybe a hard slap.

Well the reason I asked was get your opinions and I did and as much as I don't want to, I won't bring it up UNLESS he does. Even as I type I want to change my mind because I would rather loose a friend that have him die. No we are not best buds but we are good next door neighbors whom both leave their keys to our homes when we are away. He even had to be kicked out of the ambulance which was taking me to the ER when I was a month post Tx and got deathly ill after eating a taco at Taco Bell. (another story)

Anyway I will wait and see what he says the next time we talk, I guess I'll make up my mind then.

David,

Gary has hit the nail on the head with the word "WANT".

I deal with this problem on a daily basis in my office. When I see someone answer the question about whether they smoke or chew tobacco with a yes, the first thing I ask them is if they want to stop.

If they say no, I tell them that there is nothing I will say, but they should let me know if they change their mind.

However, this does not stop me from telling them about oral cnacer. Most of them never heard of it and sometimes when I'm through with my 5 minute lesson on OC, they've changed their minds about wanting to stop.

Jerry

The problem is it's easy for "us nonsmokers" to say quit this is bad stuff. Smoking is addictive and it does have it's withdrawal symptoms: anger/temper flare ups, overeating, stress/nerves/shaking, headaches, and other stuff us nonsmokers don't realize. We know someone doesn't want to put that cig in their trac, but they're not strong enough to stop smoking, so away they smoke. It's not 1960, we all know smoking is bad, even the ones dying from it.

This brings me back to that Soprano's episode when Junior is telling Tony about Bobby's dad dying and Tony says, "It was all da BBQ he ate.." Junior excitedly goes, "We didn't KNOW! It was in the 50's and 60's for christsake!" Tony replies, "Take it easy, it was a joke.." What a great show.

I agree Soprano's is a great show. Only on DVD or HBO. It's just not the same when Tony says crap.

Back on subject, my fiancee smokes, my soon to be mother in law smokes. My uncle smoked and died from pancriatic cancer in 2006. The problem is they have to want to quit. I'm hopful about my fiance. He has mentioned he wants to and he had cut back some.

Good luck with your neighnor. I'm sure if it the subject is discussed as a conversation instead of a lecture it wil go over better. None of like to be lectured!!!

If getting oral cancer is not a powerful stimulus to stop, then I do not know what is. At that point it is clear that you are not invulnerable even if all your family smokes and lives to a hundred. What happened once can happen again...... and with every drag you take you make this more and more likely. Scalpels, forceps and other such tools and the oral cavity/tongue do not mix well, the tools win every time.
All you can do is to provide information (such as a neck dissection) and point people to this site and sometimes it may just work. There are people that smoke in the parking lot before/after their IMRT treatments, which is not a smart way to spend health care resources.

M

Believe me I have a lot of other things to worry about that I can control the outcome but I just hope his wife finds a way to win this battle. I just know that if he continues to smoke that more likely than not he will die from this within a relatively short period of time and I just find that difficult to accept.

ya know if he is a good friend, there is nothing wrong with a casual non pressing mention of your concern about it, when you are talking anyway. telling him you do not want to harp on him but are so concerned and do not want to lose him to this cancer and fear you will if he doesn't stop smoking ... as an ex smoker i would not have been offended or put off by that ,... it is not a guarantee he will stop because of it, but it would not be offensive and would help you feel better most likely as I can tell you are truly concerned (with good reason).

sometimes being a friend includes helping someone face reality and being accountable for their actions or in-actions ... we have to decide for ourselves if we feel close enough to the person to require them to be accountable ... i like that my real friends are there to call me on the carpet if i mess up... but some people get real offended by this (usually because / when it is someone they are not close enough to for them to accept it but sometimes it is because they are just not open to seeing their own faults)

but if your gutt is telling you to talk to him, i would say then you should.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I'll come up with something when I feel the timing is right.

Let it go David. You are not the master of the universe. HE will let YOU know, when (or if) he wants your help. It sounds as if you've already planted the seeds, whether they ended up in fertile soil or on the rocks is not up to you.

Geez Gary, since when did trying to help a neighbor/friend equate to being master of the universe?