Aaaaah, another one of those nights. 1:24 AM, just reran the last days of my dad's life through my head...and I'm feeling guilty. WTF. I don't know if I ever said this on the forum before, but I guess maybe this is what's bugging me. My father's final words to me were "don't you ever come near me, I'll kill you." He was pissed that I took him to the hospital. He wanted to die at home. The problem was, he kind of lived in squalor, he was at a point where he was incontinent, couldn't walk, was halucinating.
I was burning the candle at both ends and really needed to take advantage of the respite care that hospice offered. Hell, as I've mentioned before, I had to take xanax, valium and ambien just to try to get some sleep. I'd occasionaly slip in an oxycontin to help take the edge off the stress that had built up in my lower back that had brought me to a point where walking became something of a challenge for me. Shit. Perhaps my guilt is making me nuts about this. I'm upset that his goodbye was what it was. I think the lightbulb is finally going on. I guess I do have some issues about this. I had really hoped that there would have been some other words before he died, but he was so agitated at the hospital that they gave him something that put him to sleep and he slept through his death. I suppose that's not a bad thing, I just wish he wouldn't have been so angry when he wasn't medicated and we could have talked. It's odd. He was angry at my sister too. During his final week, he didn't even want her around. He was fine w/me until I took him to the hospital. I didn't know what else to do. He was rolled up in a ball, naked on the bathroom floor. I can't tell you how difficult that was to see and how inhumane it was in my mind to let him stay at home where I believe his condition was better served in a comprehensice medical center. Here I am, reliving this shit again. Damn. It would have been his birthday this coming Sunday, that's been on my mind too. I'm apparently still a little raw so that date and the anniversary date of his death are a little tough for me. 1:44 AM, full of emotion. This sucks.
Try to sleep it off. Goodnight.