I feel like our lives are spinning out of control Bad news is coming faster than I can plug my ears. We went for Don's first post surgery CT and chest Xray last Tuesday along with a visit to his swallow therapist. Hoping to get a referral to try Vital Stim to try to speed up the swallowing therapy results. Swallowing has gotten worse, his voice has gotten(more)garbled and he's been "loosing" some of his nutrition due to coughing jags. Now Don has aspiration pnemonia. (I suspected that because of the "sick" odor) but he didn't believe me because he wasn't running a fever. But even more frightning is his LEFT ear (other side) has been giving him trouble and with these other issues the Dr. suspects a reoccurance already. We have a new PET scheduled for the Sept 14. (??? Waiting till he's clear of pnemonia). Vital Stim is out the window.. NOTHING by mouth and spit saliva into his kleenex. I'm beyond being able to even think clear this week. I was off Tuesday but worked the rest of the week and now Friday evening it's catching up to me. I feel so helpless..angry... we've been fighting so hard. Physically he's still able to do many things but he doesn't want to. He wants to sit in a dimly lit living room and watch TV, work a crossword or scratch a lottery ticket,or stare out the window. Day and night. Even before the pnemonia. Waiting to heal. I don't know how to deal with it when depression has me by the soul too. We were so social. We were never home. Now he can't eat or drink so he doesn't want to do anything. "I'll take you to the movies when I can have popcorn".... I understand but there's a HUGE chance that he will NEVER have popcorn and I'm afraid he's letting time slip away. He does try to golf 9 holes once a week but he use to golf 18 nearly every day. I mean, I hear all of you talk about living every day to it's fullest and making every day count. I want to do that with him but I don't want to fight him to get out of the recliner if that's what he wants. I'm trying to find out how we can get a shorter line for his PEG so he can feed while we go for a ride and hang the bag on the shirt hook (disguised under a shirt).It's gravety feed and the tubing is too long to get a down flow in a small place. Any ideas? He doesn't feel he's "portable" when he has 10 cans of Protain to do each day. I feel like MY life is slipping away and I'm sooo scared for him. The Drs have been so busy dealing with the physical set backs, that no one is addressing his mental health. I know I'm probably as depressed as he is, but I open the shades...go for a walk...watch a comedy... burn a candle and cry hard when I'm alone. What can I do for him? I hope we can kick this infection quick and he gets a good "feel good" day or two. I know I'm rambling but needed to vent AGAIN.. Thanks isn't enough for you guys .. you all seem stronger than me and I'm not sick. Go figure.