Its been about 2 weeks since I was given the biopsy report of having squamous cells carcinoma stage 1. Its been an emotional ride for me and my family. Just looking at the kids and my wife makes me afraid of what can happen. I just want to curl up and cry at times and have. My middle son (14)is the sweetest boy. But that also makes him very emotional. He called me Friday from school saying he has having bad thoughts and was thinking of hurting himself. My wife and I were at 3 doctors appointments a 100 miles away. I had my mother go pick him up and take him to the Dr office to get checked out. The Dr gave him some meds and arranged for him to see a councilor. The guilt I feel for putting him in this position is horrible.
I was in a car accident about 2 years ago that caused a TBI and I was not allowed to work for almost a year. It caused a lot of impairment and anger issues along with PTSD from the crash and from being in the ARMY to surface which I had never had before. And he was primarily in charge of me during that time. It was rough on my little man. So he went to counseling for that. Luckily he gets to see the same councilor who he connected with. This scares the crap out of me. I'm scared of leaving my family I'm scared for them all the time.. I've never been afraid of dying its just something that could come from the Jobs I do. But this is NOT that its something you can't dodge or move out of the way from. Helpless is the word. The not knowing till its over. Man at times I want to smash something. So I hit the punching dummy. One of my friends had cancer the kind that the doctors say your need to get your affairs in order. His mom died from the same thing when he was 3. He had a rough fight on his hands and made it. He is such a great guy he calls every day and gives little words of wisdom and thoughts for the day. He tells me to quit worrying about what you cant do anything about it will beat you down. He says take on day at a time. each day is a win. its tough to do at times but it helps. Now to keep fighting and being strong for myself and my family.