I am not advocating keeping secrets at all. All 3 of our sons came home when Kris was diagnosed. 1 son flying back from London. We spent a week " in camp " together. We talked about HPV lots. We talked about the implications of the diagnosis and what the treatment involved. All 3 came at various times and stayed with us a night or 2 during rads and chemo. Likewise when Kris had his recurrence and salvage surgery . These boys were with me during the surgery. They drove to Auckland every weekend and stayed with me in the lodge the 4 weekends Kris spent in Auckland hospital. For the next 3 months they kept turning up further North at home in Whangarei. Sometimes ( in dismay - due to the mess always involved )I saw their vehicles arriving and thought why they home again? Oh yes, they are coming to see their Dad.
However we try to let them live their lives. Our closest child lives a 4 hour drive away. They do not need to know the minutiae of our daily lives. They know about every checkup. They know Kris has a daily struggle with food/drink and speech. They also are aware of how well he copes. They know me to be a coping mother and strong woman. They know that should things go to cactus they would be the first to know. But it doesn't consume our life or theirs.
When Kris developed the ulcer on his flap earlier this year, I didn't feel the need to mention it. It turned out to be nothing, just an ulcer. They do know now and that this is what lead to our health system giving him a dental plate and teeth.
I don't think that this is about keeping our kids in the dark, absolutely not. But I do not feel they should be unnecessarily burdened with worry either.
Tammy