Hi Everyone.........Like many of you I don't talk much about my cancer experience anymore except on this forum. Why? Because it is a safe place for me to speak freely with folks who understand what a dry mouth is really like; it's nice to know that five years out I am not the only one still suffering side effects of RAD and finally, I feel like I can contribute and help folks out once in a while. Does cancer rule my life? No. Do I need to talk about it? Yes and no, depends on the day. Would I like to eat a hamburger without it being so much work? Your damn right I would. Cancer does not define me, but it is a part of the whole person I am today. How can it not be? Everyday I am reminded when I eat, speak, and look in the mirror. I am STILL me, although I am different, no question about that one! Am I complaining? No. I accept my life and even think I have a damn good life too.
However, when I was first diagnosed I was the disease. I thought about cancer 24/7 as I lay in that hospital bed with chemo dripping through my veins, a feeding tube in my stomach, minus most of my tongue and fearing not only what my life would be like in the future, but if I'd even have a life. I was the disease as I struggled to learn to re-eat, and learn how to move my poor tongue so the "sh" sound didnt come out as grunt. I remember those days clearly. I remember my struggle and yeah, I suffered. I remember looking in the mirror the first time at my "new" face and "new" tongue. Did I like what I saw? Nope. Was I grateful to be a live? More than you will ever know. I even remember having a few pity parties for myself; they didn't last long, but yeah, I still had them. I am human! Slowly, and I mean slowly I got my life back. I am not the disease anymore; I rarely if ever think about the way I look or speak. I rarely talk about MY cancer unless someone asks or unless I come to the Oral Cancer Message board knowing full well what the topic is going to be. But yeah, if I could eat that hamburger without it being so much damn work, I'd be in seventh heaven, but I can't because I had cancer and lost most of my tongue. In the scheme of things is that a big deal? Nope. Does it control my life? Nope. Do I think about it? Yep, but only when that big juicy burger in right in front of my face. LOL

I am fully aware that I survived this cancer and faired better than some. I have a great life. A life full of joy and happiness. I have a wonderful husband and great kids and I am so damn thank ful to be alive I can barely contain myself sometimes. No, I am not the disease anymore but I am part of the cancer "club" whether I want to be or not. I'd like to think that I rule cancer, that I beat it, but I don't know that anymore than I know if I'll get hit by a truck tomorrow. So cancer remains on my mind, not in the forefront and it certainly doesn't rule my life, but I think about it. I watch my oral cavity for any thing funny looking and even have this awful habit of checking my neck for bumps....my armpits for bumps (swollen lymph nodes) Still, I don't think of myself as the disease but rather a practical person who is on the ball....someone who wants to beat this disease and someone who is doing everything I can to do it. If that includes "talking" about it, then so be it!

I am not a Born Again Christian, a recovering alcholic, or a Buddhist; however, I do think we all need to be respectful of those that are. Somethings are just better off being left alone and religion, on a public forum, is one of those things in my opinion. We need to stay focused on why we're here in the first place and that is for support and knowledge with reguards to Oral Cancer. Sincerely, Donna