Let me start with a disclaimer... I'm in awe by how much many of you have gone through and/or have ahead of you. My very young and inexperienced time with cancer has quickly demonstrated to me that I'm far from someone who's got it bad at all... I'm just posting here to quell some of my fears/benefit from your experiences.

Tomorrow I go under the knife. My cancer is at a stage and most often handled with surgery only unless something more is detected. That being said, I'm still a little scared... I think it's apprehension of:

- Going under and hopefully waking up from the Anesthesia
- The expected experience of what is seemingly only a moment for me (because of the Anesthesia) before I wake up to see a stranger's face while I'm in the recovery room waiting for the pain to sink in, desperate to know what the Dr. found, and unable to talk due to swelling

I've tried to stop myself all day thinking along this lines but it's there.

I realize that the pattern is really already in motion and at this point my participation is done other than being a lab rat and a spectator to the next several hours.

It's hard, but I try not to dwell on thoughts of not making it out of the procedure... trying to rationalize that this is simply a procedure not unlike a tooth extraction... but of tissue and possibly my hard palate.

All that being said, I lay here sleepless waiting for my 10:15am prep for 12:15pm surgery!

Stephen:

Best of luck to you tomorrow. Surgery is always scary. Try to think of it as a step to being well. Wishing you an easy time of it and a speedy recovery.

Stephen, I just have to answer you. I very well remember the night before surgery. I was out of town....had only met my surgeon late that afternoon, and he suggested that we go ahead with surgery the next morning. TOO fast! I lay awake in that hotel room thinking exactly what you have been thinking....

You WILL wake up. Don't even think about that.

I had a partial maxillectomy and partial palatectomy. I was sooooo afraid the night before.......and even after my husband went to sleep, I stayed awake, worrying, and writing in a notebook in the dark. Oh, I was such a sad, scared girl!

But, as you said, the wheels are in motion, and you've made whatever decisions were yours to make, and now all is in the hands of your surgeon and your God. I hope that you will try to sleep some tonight, even though you will get a good nap tomorrow.

Do you have a mild sleeping pill in the house? Don't take anything that's on your do-not-take list (mostly aspirin-based products .....read the list)....but please don't stay up all night alone worrying.

I think you'll find a new resolve when the sun comes up. The day will have begun, and you have no choice but to go through with this. You can wish that you didn't have to do it.....I sure did!!....but you know that you do, and you will find the strength to do it.

You will be in ICU the first night to be certain that you don't have any dangerous swelling. I didn't have any at all, and my surgery was in the exact location as yours.

I, also, did not need radiation or chemo, for which I am thankful, even though I begged for them at the time. I wanted to know that I had done all I could. They said that my case shouldn't call for it, and that if I ever had a recurrence....which they didn't expect me to have....i would still have a weapon to use--radiation.

You will do fine, and I am certain that after a certain period of time, you can have a fairly simple reconstruction done. If a person has to have this stuff, it sounds like you.....and I also..have been luckier than most, thank God. And I do. Often.

So, Stephen, I hope you read this before your surgery, but if you don't, you'll know that a Louisiana girl was thinking about you during your long night and your morning of surgery.

Vaya con Dios!

Write to us when you get home.

XOX--Colleen

One more thing, Stephen....

Don't apologize that your problem is not as bad as someone else's. It's plenty bad, and we're sorry you have it. Use the knowledge of others less fortunate as a way of giving thanks for your good fortune.

I will make you a bet: Those who have so much more to deal with are likely to be the most compassionate ones to the rest of us, whether our problems are as great as theirs or not.

I sure am sorry that you have to go through this,but I can tell that you will do just fine.

Take care.

Just in case you are still up.

Best wishes ... and yes you will wake up!

M

Good luck to you, Stephen! I know exactly how scared you are - exactly. I have a terrible time with anesthesia myself, it makes me so nauseous and groggy and crappy feeling. And pain?? I hate pain. BUT - I've had plenty of surgeries and lots of anesthesia and even some pain and I'm still up and kicking. The next few days, maybe even weeks, are going to be tough but you will get through them, of that I am certain. If you can run a marathon, you can get through this!

My advice? Be an active patient. Tell them when and where it hurts, follow their instructions and don't be afraid to ask questions and always keep pushing for answers until you're satisfied. Think of this as a new kind of race and you will finish it with grace and style.

And please do stay in touch.

- Margaret

Stephen,
Good morning. You will be OK. Treatment - surgery, radiation, chemo or whatever combo is definitly hard, possibly dangerous and involves much discomfort. Not having the proper treatment is definitly dangerous.
Have someone pick up the current (August) Reader's Digest for you to read when you are up to it. The article on page 150, "The Farther Shore," is by a man with a young child. The author has stage IV cancer of the tongue.

You guys all rock... will post as soon as I can. 4hrs 35 min to blast off...

You'll be fine. Don't you have anyone that will be there in recovery with you when you wake up other than the RM nurse? My wife was the first person I saw and heard and that was comforting.

GOOD LUCK TODAY

Once you get to the hospital, your brain will go on auto pilot. At least mine did. I do recall one funny incident -- I was in the pre-op/recovery area, with my wife there, and there was one doctor wandering kind of aimlessly around, with a very far-off and vacant look in his eyes. Finally, he comes over to my bed and asks "Are you Mr. Little? I'm your anesthesiologist." I'm thinking, "Oh no, you're not!" It turned out that my surgeon had changed the schedule around, and he was having to adjust on the fly.

You are in good hands, and time will go more quickly that you can imagine, especially if they put you on good painkillers! ;-) Good luck -- our thoughts are with you!

Stephan, you will be fine as soon as they get you preped and ready for surgery. I can't tell you not to be nervous because you would be anyway. I been put to sleep so many times for so many things, I think of it as for every minute I am out that I get and extra month to live. LOL I know that is a dumb way to do it, but it does help me relax. You will wake up after and might not feel as bad as you thought you would. Good Luck tomorrow and I pray for the best results for you.

All of you were right, my fears were unfounded and I made it through the procedure without a hitch.

I can't thank each of you enough for the encouraging words though.

To add a little humor to the thread I thought I'd share some of my post-op antics that I was told about as I was coming out of anesthesia:

- popped my head up from a "sleep" and said "I have 350 emails to read" and then passed back out.
- popped my head up again and asked my wife if she wanted to see my happy face (a term by our three year-old that's followed by raising both eyebrows and smiling as wide as one can... then passed back out.
- popped my head up a third time and said very determinedly "I'm done with this, I'm outta here", passed back out
- the popped up one last time as they were transferring me from OR gernie to the one in my room and sang "...to the left, to the left, ...now slide" as I was being transferred

A fun time had by all.

Now I take my catheter for frequent walks and anticipate when I can say goodbye to this guest.

...and the 350 emails are still unread... I'm not even sure where they are or what made me think I had them!

Welcome back! I am relieved that things went so well, and I know that the staff appreciates your lightening up their day with your show!

Keep writing.

XO

Stephan,
Glad you came out OK.

Your post brought back memories from the past. I was told that when I was in labor with my first child the doctor asked me what I wanted and I said "a dog." Our neighbors had a beautiful collie which was so protective of the children that he stood between them and the mother when she fussed at them.
I also asked for a pickle. This was my only pregnancy related food craving. I remember the people in the delivery room discussing ordering lunch. The baby was delivered shortly after noon so it must have been near the end and I had not eaten since the night before.

Stephen:

Glad everything turned out ok with your surgery. Your post made me laugh, your sense of humor is great!

I also had some odd side effects from being knocked out for outpatient surgery. I made my son stop at 4 different stores and went clothes and grocery shopping, picked up some movie rentals and couldnt forget the ice cream stand. Next day I denied the whole thing till I saw all the receipts with my signatures.

Hope you have a fast recovery so you can get back to normal.

Wish you a speedy recovery Stephen.

All the best Stephen -- things will just get better from here.

It's always easier than we think it will be. I enjoyed your lil coming out parties LOL Good luck and may you keep your sense of humor Stephen. Jim

Glad to hear it went well Stephen. One must love the mystical comic powers we seem to get via the meds used for surgery. I'm sure you'll hear those stories repeated endlessly by your loved ones, lol.