My name is Colleen, thank you all!

I have told my mom that it is hard for me to deal with. She tells me sometimes that she thinks I need to get over it, as a few other people have. I swear before this I was a strong individual and could handle most everything that life threw at me. My grandmother was sick with cancer and I took her to her doctors appointments. For some reason with my mom I just cant do it. i hate saying the word cant. my sisters get so mad at me and I feel badly that they have to pick up my slack but I am truly working on it.

I actually just got off the phone with my sister. My mom is better than last night. She hasnt vomited and her fever is down. She is just experiencing a headache. So hopefully she gets better throughout the day!

Hi Colleen. I am so very sorry that you and your family are going through all of this. I lost my mom a year and a half ago to pancreatic cancer. I am 46 and a lot older than you but I completely understand your feelings of anxiety and not being able to see your mom and feeling like you can't deal with it. My older sister moved in with my parents the last two weeks of my mom's life while she was on hospice. I took half days from work and would just about have panic attacks driving down to their house in Delaware every day. I had to physically force myself to be there. I wanted to be there but at the same time, couldn't stand to be there. It was the constant not knowing how she would look, not being able to see her physically changing etc. It was just so difficult. I used to feel so guilty that I just couldn't handle it and that my sister was living it 24/7. Try to explain to your sisters your emotions and that you are doing the best you can do. I would handle my visits by "doing things" while I was there. I would run errands, do laundry etc. It was my selfish way of avoiding being in my mom's bedroom. I think there are no right or wrong ways to handle it. I did the best I could but still wish I would have been there more. Sending you a BIG hug. Wanda

Thank you so much Wanda. I do exactly what you said. I preoccupy myself with little things while I am there. I make all the necessary phone calls and order her medication and supplies. I try to explain to my sisters that I am willing to help in anyway physically possible, I just can not do the hands on helping that they are able to do. I do know that my sisters say they dont understand why I cant help but they know that I am trying to get over this hurdle.

I do have to say the guilt is seeing my mom on average once a week. (sometimes less than that). I do talk to her daily and she knows that I love her.

Hi Colleen,
My name is Angie, and my husband was said to have an inoperable tumor on his left neck (this is a recurrence for us). Well - that was 5 weeks ago - the Erbitux/Chemo/Radiation shrunk the HELL out of that thing. So they will likely be able to take it out. His came on fast too - had clear scans in his neck every 3 months, then all of a sudden, between scans, this node blew up to 6 cm. They are still very hopeful for us that this can be cured. We are at the Helen Graham Center at Christiana Hospital in Wilmington DE. We had a second opinion at Johns Hopkins, but opted for Christiana since they were willing to be more aggressive.

It is ok to feel the way you feel. I got myself to see a doctor since I was having trouble keeping it together. My thoughts are with you and your mom!

Claudia...you have such a warm kind way about you. Your posts are so sweet to Colleen.

Colleen, I do agree with the others. You need to be there with your mom. I can obviously only speak for myself but I know I would feel guilty if I didn't spend time with my mom. Also, it is important that you talk to her just like you used to. Are you very close to her? Did you used to tell her what was happening in your life? If you did, continue to do so. I'm sure she would love it. Since I am the patient, I know how much I appreciate when people don't treat me differently. My future husband, sister, and mom are the only ones who are good that. I encourage you to be one of those people for you mom. Be sad and cry and yell when you're alone or with your therapist!!

Hi Colleen - I have been following this thread and know that you are in a lot of pain over your feelings. I also see that you were the one that took your grandmother to her doctor's appointments. I don't know how long ago that was but for me once I had walked down the caregiver path once, each new time brought on further dread and anxiety for me. I took care of a lot of stuff for my own grandmother when she was ill, was involved a lot with a couple of dear friends during their illnesses and was caregiver for a significant other who died of heart disease and my mother who recovered from 3 major surgeries shortly after my stepfather's death. When my husband was diagnosed I was completely falling apart (something I don't usually do)...I actually left the ENT's waiting room so I wouldn't scare the other patients. If you are overwhelmed by the situation with your mother, see your family doctor. There is no shame in being overwhelmed by anxiety/fear. I am sure he/she will be able to help. The best thing I did for myself -- and my husband and kids --- was to get some anti-anxiety medication.

Cheryl

Cheryl...that is such good thought. Being a patient I realize how hard it is for you but I guess not to the full extent. I usually tell my family I'm happy to be the patient and not in their position.

Colleen:

Thanks for giving us your age. At 26 you can do this! I was under the impression you were about 18, Im so glad you are older than that.

Please take a couple minutes to put some info into your signature, its located under My Stuff, then profile. It helps if you start a new thread to follow who you are.


Since you are already feeling such guilt, please get over this and go to your mother. Everyday you spend away from her is a day you feel badly. Do you live close? Even doing things like picking up meds or getting groceries is a big help. This keeps you busy and limits your visit time, but still allows you face to face contact. In todays world, technology doesnt replace seeing someone in person. Taking the time and effort to go visit means so much. As an adult, you know what you need to do about this situation, its your choice. Where in PA are you located and where is your mom being treated?

Wishing you and you mom all the best.

Hi Colleen. My daughter is 26 and you remind me of her. She had to STEEL herself to even visit me in the hosptial and I knew that so I ended up trying to protect her and not have her there - because I knew how much it bothered her.

She still has not accepted that I have/had Stage 4 cancer. She has not told a soul where she lives and studies about my illness or treatment - despite getting snide comments about time spent at home. Denial is more than a river in Egypt.

I can tell you (from my experience with my Dad), that you will NEVER regret one moment that you spend with your Mom. You might have to "suck it up" to get through it, but it will be soooooo worth it and so very much appreciated by your Mom. Many years hence you will be very proud of yourself for having found the strength.

You can do it, and it will get easier each time. If you need some topic of conversation to ease the initial discomfort, have a topic planned before you arrive. If you both enjoy a game of scrabble or something - arrive armed with that and soon you will find the uneasiness has passed.

You can do it and will never regret that you did.

Donna

Thank you all for your wonderful advice.

This is difficult for me but much more difficult for my mother. I have to get over it and just go. She lives 10 minutes from my house, there really is no excuse. I have talked to my sisters and they have agreed to go over there with me. I have been assured by my therapist that each time I go it will make it easier for the next. The hardest part I think for me is watching her suffer!

I am definitely being proactive. I havent holed up in my bedroom, I am taking medication and talking to a therapist. I am trying to assure that I am doing everything humanly possible to get over my fear so that I can be there for my mom.