Am I the only one on here that has gained a better sense of themselves BECAUSE of their experience with cancer? I've always been someone who knew who I was, but I also was very hesitant to speak out and stand up for myself when I wanted to and knew I had the right to. I was patient, over the edge kind, and let people kind of walk over me.
My husband asked me where that woman went?? He likes the "new" me who can't seem to keep her opinions to herself anymore and comes out of every corner fighting.............but I also think he kind of misses the "softer" side of me. Here's an example of what I'm speaking of. Five years ago, if someone had cut me in line at the store, I wouldn't have said a word. Now it's entirely the opposite......I can't seem to let any situation like that go by without making sure that person knows how I feel, how rude they are being, etc. My girls think it's hysterical and love it, I've even seen them grow stronger at being their own advocate, but I worry that I've gone to far to the "dark side". Anyone else notice this behavior change in themselves?
Minnie

Minnie - you hit the nail on the head! Cancer changes us (caregivers, too!) in more ways than we realize. And because we have people here to support us in the fight, the infused courage allows us to speak up for what we want and deserve, and as a caregiver, to be able to do it for those we love! I've come to realize more than ever the importance of time and appreciating the special moments with friends and family. I don't talk to machines anymore . . . I just tell people "it's against my religion"! I was on the phone a while back with a nice young lady at my doctor's office she said she was putting me on hold. I mentioned my age and that there were a lot of things I wanted to do before I die and I just didn't have time to listen to a machine playing music I wasn't particularly fond of. I heard her stifle a giggle but she did come back. It can backfire, tho' like when a machine called me and I hung up but discovered later it was my doctor's office reminding me of an appointment. I don't wait or stand in line, and with rude people, I am either very sweet (that makes them feel guilty) or I walk away realizing I have better things to do like fix my toilet or clean the garage. Yes, the big C experience has changed me and I owe a large part of the "new me" to OCF!

I never put up with crap before and I still don't but I'm not as innocent to life as I was before. I never had death staring me in the face so I think differently. When I was busy on the phone and someone would call on the other line, I used to tell my Office Manager to tell them "I died", you know just in a kidding way. Well I don't kid like that any more. Imagine being 58 and still innocent...one more thing cancer has taken from me.

I think maybe cancer changes us in various ways, depending on what it is we've been wanting to change in ourselves. In some ways I find myself MORE kind and patient than I used to be (like you Minnie, I wasn't very asserrtive in the past but I might be patient to someone's face but then I'd grumble about them later-now I realize that if I don't speak up I have no right to grumble later on).

There are definitely situations where I am more assertive as well. If I really believe something is right, I am far less afraid to speak up for it, even in the face of opposition, than I once was, even if it ticks someone else off. This really came home to me recently in a situation at work where I am going to bat for starting a program that will really help students despite some rather loud faculty opposition. There's a bumper sticker I sawe once that said "well behaved women rarely make history" and , though I'm not using that to advocate rude behavior, I think maybe that's kind of at the root of the change. I think more about what I'll leave behind once I am gone and it makes me more ready to speak up and advocate for what I believe in.

In the realm of advocating for myself medically, I have *definitely* changed there. My doctors (except for the one in Bosotn who helps me keep my throat open) do not work at a CCC, although my MO and ENT both have worked at CCCs earlier in their careers. I have finally realized that I am as likely as they are-maybe more likely thanks to this board--to know about medical issues relevant to my treatment and I'm not afraid at all to ask about those things and keep asking until I think I'm heard.

And sometimes it does take apearing stubborn and insistent. Recently I went for a mammogram and the hospitla had down the wrong breast--the breast where I ahd NOT had cancer (though I had had a microcalcification and a biopsy showing ti to be benign the year before in that breast so it was a soemwhat understandable mistake). I said several times there was some mistake then told the women who was trying to lead me back to the mammo room that I didn't want to go any further until they called my doctor and got this striaghtened out because I was NOT going to have a mammo. of the wrong breast then have to come back for the other one. I saw another older couple in the wiating area looking at me kind of anxiously and almost disapprovingly--like they were shocked I would think I might know which breast needed a mammo! (They ended up calling my doc and fianlly got it straightened out)

I respect all the doctors and medical personnel I see, but they are human--and incredibly busy--and I know I have to count on myself as much as or more than I count on them.

Nelie

I love these get tough posts, I have alway spoke my mind and still do , but I will put up with some things that affect everday life. The biggest thing I have changed is my outlook on life and appreciate it much more. I guess facing death head on has mellowed me somewhat, but I still won't be pushed around and still say what I think. I love life and all the people in it and if I get mad or angry about something, it's forgotten in a few minutes . I guess that's why it's EzJim

Have spent loads of my life alone, caring for twins, then my parents, and working my socks off with Special Needs children and then adolescents, then severely autistic kids.
Was ALWAYS 'beholden' to someone/some institution and needing desperately to keep--and excel at--cos that's how I am, my job.
None of it EVER increased my confidence--always felt like the 'poor kid from the Council Estate'.
Cancer is a great leveller--I smile sweetly when sitting in the disabled space on the bus and say 'I have cancer'--sales rep on phone the other day---I said, 'Don't waste your time, haven't got long to live'---LOL!
Neighbors don't see me for ages, then see me going out good--They don't know I 'm going to hospital!
And just about to send in 'sick-note' for 6 months--feel less about that than would have done even 6 months ago!
Guess I'm lucky, that twins are now 33 and have own lives, I have a fabulous new partner who I don't want to leave.
Feel GUILTY cos I should be doing 'domestics' n stuff, but does it matter???

Brenda

Brenda xx

Brenda -
You definitely don't need to feel guilty. . . that's just a time waster, and time you can be devoting to that fabulous new partner! I don't have sales reps calling because I got rid of my land line and just have my cellphone and they don't know about it yet. When someone comes to the door, I just smile sweetly and tell them I am not interested in whatever they are selling and close the door. (except for the Girl Scout cookies)

This week my confidence reached an all time low.
The district nurse looked down her nose and said to my husband I'm sure your carer will deal with that..
BUT
A recent phone call in which someone ask to speak to my Mum, I just replied NO,, she asked why I said she is dead.. OH NO NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER>>
So still she continues: 'But I want to speak to her', Well what would you have said?
So I told her that unless she had a direct line to heaven that was not possible and hung up..
Oh yes I felt good and Mum would have loved it..
Sunshine.. love and hugs
Helen

I used that phrase when the tax office rung for robin!!!!

I have to catch myself being too tough at times. I deal with people constantly and now it seems I can't stand the stupidity or laziness. Before I knew part of my job was to teach them the way of thier err's, but my gosh, common sense should kick in. Now I find it getting harder to be understanding of them. I thought it was just me and I needed to adjust but from reading these post, I am glad I am in good company.

Excellent thread to start Minnie!
Bill---why try and understand dorks??? I now 'tell it how it is'
My previous, carefully ordered, politically-correct life is totally out of the window!
If I spend a day in night-clothes--so what??
If I bump into an ex-pupil in town on way back from hospital, I smile and say 'Don't feel too good' and move on--instead of spending 10 mins chatting, asking them how they are and boosting their ego. I might, or might not , have made a difference to them whilst I was teaching/counselling them--nowadays I CAN'T! I'm not God!
The expression 'Life is too short.....' definitely kicks in!
(Actually, have NEVER stuffed a mushroom for those who know what I'm talking about!)
Brenda

I would have to say I have changed ALOT over the past year , in both good and bad ways.. I do stand for what I believe in much more and have reprioritized my life. I am def much more fearful then I have ever been ...

But I try to learn new things daily ...while I def used to be more dependent ( finacially ) and I am working so much harder to be Independent, for fear of losing the independence ( for whatever reason) .. Yea I would say it has changed me , and so would everyone around me .

Shar

Hi Minnie,
I guess I have changed in the other direction. I couldn't tell you the last time I have had road rage, I found out I can take my time and not let things others do effect my mood. I even find myself waking up early on days I could sleep till noon just to see the sunrise, they have become more presious to me as have the sunsets. I guess life means much more to me now and know how it can be jerked out from under you in an instant.

Bill - your mention of road rage reminded me of a friend I visited in Mexico last year. Any time someone else's driving habits appeared less than perfect, she would get so excited and I would always remind her that maybe that person's wife was having a baby and trying to get to the hospital or maybe going for a Rad tx, etc. It kind of diffused the rage until the next road rage opportunity. More than ever now, AC (after cancer) I try to watch out for stressed out drivers and give them a little kindness.

Bill,

You have employees in Florida.....I rest my case!!

That's why I lost Barb,, she just didn't use her coomon sense when it came to good old OC and didn't undersatnd how it could work on your mind and change your personality for a couple of months. Even after hearing and reading posts.

OOOh Jim that was a bit sharp
For me Robs illness brought me a family i barely knew,friendship that will stay forever,and the loss of my fear of flying ,for which i will be eternally grateful Without that i wouldnt be where i am now .
On the downside it has made me totally intolerant of whingers,wimps people who think they are better than me,bullies, bigots,and careless professionals.
So i guess that means there are many ways having cancer affects us ,but for the most part once the fear,anger and shock dissapate,some good must come out of it. Musnt it?

Dave, that was such a good line you had in your post, how you were still innocent at the age of 58. I believe that's how it is for all of us, until something like this happens, no matter our age. We spend our lives knowing that death is there, waiting for us, and that it will claim us one day. But we don't worry about it, we don't think of it a hundred times a day, it's something that is safely in the shadows of a long hallway in my opinion. We feel safe and innocent where death is concerned. Then we become a cancer patient, and it's like someone turned on a light in that dark hallway and the face of cancer, the realness of it, jumps out at us. Innocence is gone, safety net ripped to shreds.
So, for you to say you were innocent at the age of 58............every other 58 year old man that hasn't suffered your disease is STILL innocent!

Great responses, I can always count on this board to make me know that my feelings are valid and that I'm not a total nutcake.
Love,
Minnie

I agree with the stupidity, laziness and most of all the common snese that too many people were raised without. This stuff upsets me too just like it does talbill. Some are just dumber in the head than a mule is in the ass.

A couple of thoughts on road rage:
1. I knew that I was getting well when I found myself getting angry at drivers again! That kind of loss of perspective only comes to those not consumed with thoughts of dying.

2. Although I am not particularly religious I heard a very good sermon at a local church during my recovery: The preacher told of how one evening he was going to have dinner at the home of a church member and carrying in his car a big tin dish of lasagna prepared by the church kitchen. He said that because he had to drive slowly and carefully to keep from spilling the lasagna, cars honked, sped around him and the drivers generally got angry and gave him hell. He said, that he could have used a sign in the window that said "Lasagna on Board".
The point, of course, was well taken. As we drive and run and walk through this world, we have no idea what the person next to us is going through at that moment...for all we know, they are on the way to their mother's funeral.

On the other hand, if I still have my edge, then at least I know that I am alive.

Danny G.

Danny - you are so right about how we have no idea what the next person is going through. Years ago, I was stopped by a policeman on my way to my mother's funeral. But he was kind and let me go. During the really difficult days of my son's recovery, there were many times in the grocery store or the prescription counter, where the check out girl says "How are you today?" and we automatically answer "Fine" there were times when I wanted so much to say I wasn't "Fine" and to pour my heart out and tell her how worried I was about my son who just had surgery and starting Rad Tx. But those are things one just doesn't do.

I have changed for the better and can hide my true feelings about a lot of things that used to upset me. What I do get tired of hearing is that old one,, " you sure don't look like there is anything wrong with you" I never have figured out an answer for that LOL

As long as we are talking tolerence here I would like to ask this. Has anyboby else experienced being short with thier spouse or care giver over trivial crap? I really think I am losing it here and don't know how to address it. I feel I am correct with my stance on an issue only to feel later that was stupid. It seems to be happening alot lately and I can see the strain on my wife.

For a while I was being very short with both my wife and son over minor things. I had to make serious effort to keep my mouth shut and tell myself to keep things in perspective. I seem to be coping better now than last year. For me it was learning to delay what I was going to say, think about it and then most times not saying anything. Probably a good habit for me anyways.

Sometimes I don't feel as confident as I was BC (before cancer). Has anyone experienced a lack of confidence in them selves, discion making or work performance?

Tim

Bill looking back over my old posts from last year i think a fair few of them were asking the same question from the opposite perspective.There can be no doubt that living in the shadow of such a dreadful disease does indeed color your views on what are the important issues in life, and i think that is mostly true of anyone who has come close to facing death.
It alters your axis ,and you realise that life doesnt revolve around work and money and success,because without your health you will not have the other things.Suddenly it doesnt seem to matter if you do something now rather than later ,routine things like putting out the garbage and tidying the yard loose their appeal when you could take to the road on a Harley like Petey or fly to the other side of the world .Unfortunately for your partner who has kept the routine things in life ticking over while you were sick,these things are still important,and represent her stability in the overall picture of things.Having you well enough to participate in the trivial things in life is probably a source of great relief to her,and although you might feel like saying what does that matter,to her it may well do.

love liz

Stoj:
Your comments were scary to read! I feel as though this happens in phases. There are days I feel "normal" (Whatever that was) and can conquer the world, then there are days when I feel so inferior, like all my co-workers/bosses have me under the microscope and I have a fight on my hands to prove myself. I seem to be adding hours and workload that I did not have before cancer, and I have even said flat out to my wife on a few occasions that I am trying to prove something, if no more than to myself. I am more proactive about a lot of things, but it's like I'm over doing it just to compensate(?), (For what I don't know). I often catch myself saying I need to pace myself and rest a little more/spend a little more time on "me", but it seems so hard to slow down (Like "the clock's tickin' baby!).
I hope this makes sense. If this strikes a cord with anyone I would sure be interested in hearing about it!
Regards,
Steve

Steve,

Inferior is good word to decribe what I'm feeling. I used to be so full of confidence, some might even say arrogant. Now I constantly think about things that were automatic to me before. I study, 2nd guess and almost work myself in to a panic attack about decisions I need to make. I'm no longer comfortable speaking in front of groups of people and try to avoid it any way that I can. I reread things many times to make sure I understand it, when before I was very quick to get going. All of this add time and stress to my tasks. Not sure what I can do about it though. Someone told me that these symptoms are similar to PTSD...

I wonder how many more folks here are having a similar experiences.

Tim

I find myself having more patience with personal relationships - kind of "don't sweat the small stuff".
The thing I struggle with most is work. I really need to find a new job but I'm scared to. I worry about starting somewhere new, since I have great benefits and an understanding manager with my current company. However, my job is so boring I can't stand it! I've had a few interviews but for one reason or another (mostly relocation issues) they haven't worked out. But I constantly worry that they hear the slight speech problem I still have - although my friends and family say they don't notice it, I certainly do and for some reason it seems to be worse when I am talking to someone I don't know well! Plus I worry about what would happen if I got a new job and then had a recurrence... sometimes I feel kind of frozen in my career path. I think this is what frustrates me the most..having the confidence to be able to move forward in my career.

This is a great thread that started while I was gone. I can relate to so much of what has been written.

I find myself going both ways on this one. When I was undergoing treatment, and perhaps for awhile very shortly thereafter, I was a mess psychologically. I spent a lot of time in my own head, and as a result I could be quite short with people. I worked all the way through treatment, did not have a PEG, etc., so I was very much into projecting an image of normalcy, while inside I was scared as hell. That dichotomy is not good.

I am now 6 months down the road from the end of treatment, and have been through the emotional ups and downs of the first two PET scans, repeated follow up visits, and the ever-changing spectrum of symptoms that follow treatment and bilateral neck dissection. While having gone through a bout of depression early on after treatment, now I have found a bit more balance.

In general, I ask myself "How important is it?" when I am tempted to get upset over something. Usually, the answer is "Not very." However, when the answer comes back "Very Important", I find that I am much more direct in moving to resolve the issue.

I think both things can be summarized as being no longer willing to waste time. If it ain't worth getting upset over, accept it and move on. If it is worth acting on, take the action, get a resolution, and move on. My 14 years in A.A. also helps on these types of things.

Right now I am on my first day of a new job, having just come back from a 7 day Caribbean cruise, and other than not being ready to deal with snow after 86 degree weather, life is good today!

All of this sure is a description of what I was like. It does do damage to the ones affected. And JEFF, why wasn't I invited on your cruise? LOL I'm glad that you got away from this OC for awhile and enjoyed the trip. Tell your wife I said hello and hope she is still the nice lady I met at the Cancer center.