#66573 01-01-2008 12:21 AM | Joined: Mar 2007 Posts: 16 Member | OP  Member
Joined: Mar 2007 Posts: 16 | My love of my life was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer on Feb. 10th, after asking me to marry on Feb. 1st. I did not leave him, but kept fighting all of the way with him. We married on Nov. 23rd- after he had endured two rounds of radiation to his back and head, and chemo for eight months. Finally, on Dec. 15th, after an allergic reaction to adivan and after fighting cancer for ten months... my baby went to heaven to be with his mom and sister.
I came here often in the first months, to lurk or to even question. Now I come back because I am lost and dont know what to do. I feel so lonely and hurt by this demon that took my husband away and can't seem to find peace in myself to move on. Tonight, I lay here thinking I dont want to be here- but know that my darling would not like me to feel this way. How long till the pain stops? How do you move on?
I have cried so many tears over the last year- but had some of the happiest moments in my life too. I just want my husband back-
Lisa-Caregiver to fiance Bill (the love of my life)- Stage 4 Esophageal cancer- started rad/ chemo. 3/8/07
| | | | | Joined: May 2007 Posts: 632 "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts)
Joined: May 2007 Posts: 632 | I'm so sorry for your loss Lisa, you sound, understandably, totally overwhelmed.
There are others on here who have also been bereaved this year and still find comfort in this board and I'm sure they will be willing to share their experiences with you.
Try and stay strong, as you know Bill would want,
Brenda
Brenda in UK--Diagnosis 30/5/07--undifferentiated carcinoma in right jawbone and muscles. Stage 4
6/7/07--new diagnosis primary is in lung. Finished 4cycles of palliative carboplatin/gemcitabine
therapy September 07
Now dying to live!
| | | | | Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 | Lisa,
words can't express my sorrow for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my constant prayers.
Gary Allsebrook
***********************************
Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2
Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy)
________________________________________________________
"You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14 NIV)
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 | Lisa, everything takes time no matter what it is. I'm sure with a lot of prayers and friends, over time you will heal but the memories will linger for ever. You will always remember the good times and go on. You are in my prayers too.
Since posting this. UPMC, Pittsburgh, Oct 2011 until Jan. I averaged about 2 to 3 surgeries a week there. w Can't have jaw made as bone is deteroriating steaily that is left in jaw. Mersa is to blame. Feeding tube . Had trach for 4mos. Got it out April.
--- Passed away 5/14/14, will be greatly missed by everyone here
| | | | | Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 | Lisa,
Describing your feelings to us is one sure way to begin the long healing journey. We all share your loss as if we are one and we will be here for you whenever you want to talk, but do keep talking and do keep exploring and exposing your sorrow as it will only help you. I teared up reading your post and I hope all of our collective tears will help to heal you.
Last edited by davidcpa; 01-01-2008 04:45 AM.
David
Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
| | | | | Joined: Feb 2005 Posts: 2,019 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Feb 2005 Posts: 2,019 | Lisa, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what I would have felt like if I had had to lose my husband so soon after we were married.
As is true with dealing with cancer treatments and the recovery from them, I think dealing with grief and recovery from it is different for everyone. Please feel free to come here whenever you need to to talk about your feelings and don't be shy to share them with your friends and family too. There are also greif support groups in some cities, grief counselors and most ministers, rabbis, etc. are trained to counsel those who are grieving. No one can bear your pain for you, though they may wish they could as much as you wished you could bear your husband's pain at times, but you don't have to walk the path you are on alone.
Nelie
SCC(T2N0M0) part.glossectomy & neck dissect 2/9/05 & 2/25/05.33 IMRT(66 Gy),2 Cisplatin ended 06/03/05.Stage I breast cancer treated 2/05-11/05.Surgery to remove esophageal stricture 07/06, still having dilatations to keep esophagus open.Dysphagia. "When you're going through hell, keep going"
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 346 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 346 | Lisa,
I too lost my first husband to a brain tumor after 15 months of marriage. He did not have it when we first married. I was 24 and he was 26. I have blocked so much of that hurt out now, but it does come back. I now have another family with 2 grown boys but I think of him and his suffering often.
The thing that got me through was friends and family. Let them keep you busy, don't shut them out. It will be hard some days for you yourself to get up so let them help you. They really want to do something anyway. Keep on and one day the pain will not be as bad and life will seem worth living again, I promise.May God bless you and be with you as you struggle with this. We will all be here to listen -just know you are not alone.
debbie
Debbie
Partial mandibulectomy and neck dissection 2/3/07. T2NOMO.
Had 14 hour operation which included reconstruction of jaw.
Reconstruction failed. Some radiation, no chemo.
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 718 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 718 | Lisa, there just don't seem to be the right words to convey my heartfelt condolences for you devastating loss. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Margaret
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C/G: Husband, 48 (at time of dx)
Dx 5/18/07 SCC, BOT, lymph node involvement. T1N2BM0. (Stage 4a, G2/3)
Tx 6/18 - 8/3/07, IMRT x 33 Cisplatin x3 (stopped after 1st dose due to hearing issues). Weekly Erbitux started 6/27/07 completed 8/6/07.
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 735 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 735 | Lisa,
I am so sorry to hear of your Loss, words cannot express my deepest sympathy and I have no words of wisdom to help you through . Their are others here however , they undersatnd what you are going through. ANd know that we are always here to listen and talk to.
Shar
Sharlee
35 year old Female Non smoker, very occasional alcohol ..Scc T1N0M0,partial glossectomy and left neck disection ,2/9/07 No rad deemed ness. 4/16 tonsillectomy ..Trimengenial Neuralga due to surgery
| | | | | Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 | Lisa,
I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I know there are no words that can ease your pain but I can tell you that the pain will become more tolerable as time goes by. I also know Bill was so fortunate to have you by his side through it all and to know how much you both loved each other.
May your pain lessen each day and may you always feel His love.
Ed
SCC Stage IV, BOT, T2N2bM0
Cisplatin/5FU x 3, 40 days radiation
Diagnosis 07/21/03 tx completed 10/08/03
Post Radiation Lower Motor Neuron Syndrome 3/08.
Cervical Spinal Stenosis 01/11
Cervical Myelitis 09/12
Thoracic Paraplegia 10/12
Dysautonomia 11/12
Hospice care 09/12-01/13.
COPD 01/14
Intermittent CHF 6/15
Feeding tube NPO 03/16
VFI 12/2016
ORN 12/2017
Cardiac Event 06/2018
Bilateral VFI 01/2021
Thoracotomy Bilobectomy 01/2022
Bilateral VFI 05/2022
Total Laryngectomy 01/2023
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