My love of my life was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer on Feb. 10th, after asking me to marry on Feb. 1st. I did not leave him, but kept fighting all of the way with him. We married on Nov. 23rd- after he had endured two rounds of radiation to his back and head, and chemo for eight months. Finally, on Dec. 15th, after an allergic reaction to adivan and after fighting cancer for ten months... my baby went to heaven to be with his mom and sister.

I came here often in the first months, to lurk or to even question. Now I come back because I am lost and dont know what to do. I feel so lonely and hurt by this demon that took my husband away and can't seem to find peace in myself to move on. Tonight, I lay here thinking I dont want to be here- but know that my darling would not like me to feel this way. How long till the pain stops? How do you move on?

I have cried so many tears over the last year- but had some of the happiest moments in my life too. I just want my husband back-

I'm so sorry for your loss Lisa, you sound, understandably, totally overwhelmed.
There are others on here who have also been bereaved this year and still find comfort in this board and I'm sure they will be willing to share their experiences with you.
Try and stay strong, as you know Bill would want,

Brenda

Lisa,
words can't express my sorrow for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my constant prayers.

Lisa, everything takes time no matter what it is. I'm sure with a lot of prayers and friends, over time you will heal but the memories will linger for ever. You will always remember the good times and go on. You are in my prayers too.

Lisa,

Describing your feelings to us is one sure way to begin the long healing journey. We all share your loss as if we are one and we will be here for you whenever you want to talk, but do keep talking and do keep exploring and exposing your sorrow as it will only help you. I teared up reading your post and I hope all of our collective tears will help to heal you.

Lisa, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what I would have felt like if I had had to lose my husband so soon after we were married.

As is true with dealing with cancer treatments and the recovery from them, I think dealing with grief and recovery from it is different for everyone. Please feel free to come here whenever you need to to talk about your feelings and don't be shy to share them with your friends and family too. There are also greif support groups in some cities, grief counselors and most ministers, rabbis, etc. are trained to counsel those who are grieving. No one can bear your pain for you, though they may wish they could as much as you wished you could bear your husband's pain at times, but you don't have to walk the path you are on alone.

Nelie

Lisa,
I too lost my first husband to a brain tumor after 15 months of marriage. He did not have it when we first married. I was 24 and he was 26. I have blocked so much of that hurt out now, but it does come back. I now have another family with 2 grown boys but I think of him and his suffering often.
The thing that got me through was friends and family. Let them keep you busy, don't shut them out. It will be hard some days for you yourself to get up so let them help you. They really want to do something anyway. Keep on and one day the pain will not be as bad and life will seem worth living again, I promise.May God bless you and be with you as you struggle with this. We will all be here to listen -just know you are not alone.
debbie
Debbie

Lisa, there just don't seem to be the right words to convey my heartfelt condolences for you devastating loss. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa,


I am so sorry to hear of your Loss, words cannot express my deepest sympathy and I have no words of wisdom to help you through . Their are others here however , they undersatnd what you are going through. ANd know that we are always here to listen and talk to.

Shar

Lisa,

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I know there are no words that can ease your pain but I can tell you that the pain will become more tolerable as time goes by. I also know Bill was so fortunate to have you by his side through it all and to know how much you both loved each other.

May your pain lessen each day and may you always feel His love.

Ed

Lisa,

I add my tears to the bucket being filled for you.

It took great courage and love to carry you through this ordeal and now to open up to strangers so quickly. When we lose someone it is truly a physical loss as much as that of a limb of our body. Your pain is very fresh now and will slowly ease over time. Do not let anyone give you a schedule nor tell you that there will be closure. Take courage from the voices here as there is so much experience with coping with pain and loss and turning adversity into something positive.

With deepest sympathy,
Malka

Lisa, I don't know why but i have read your post a few times. Each time I tear up just like David did. It must be that we are family here and have many feelings for you in this time of need. You are going to stay in my prayers.

Hi, Lisa, Having gotten through what should have been John's 65th birthday last August, Thanksgiving, our 15th wedding anniversary Nov. 29th, Christmas, New Years and soon to be the 1st anniversary of his passing, I can only tell you that you get through losing someone you love by sheer determination and gritting your teeth. Everyone is telling me the "1st year is the hardest"-well, we'll see. I am fortunate to have grandkids, good friends and work to keep me propped up. I hope that you find what you need to prop you up! You have to find meaningful ways to fill the void until that void transforms into a beautiful memory in your life. Amy in the Ozarks

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lisa - I wish I had the words to comfort you and hold you until the sorrow and the pain lessens. Just know that you do have "family" here so please come whenever you can and there will always be someone to listen and care deeply.

Lisa,
Sending love and prayers your way.
Donna

Lisa,
Wish there was a way to ease the pain.
Just know this is a place that will always be here for you, cry with you,try to hold your hand.

Maggie


Maggie

We lost ours too lisa.If i can help e-mail me and tell me what i can do

love liz

Lisa,

I read your January post and I wonder how you are doing? Sorry to hear about your husband. You are in my prayers.

D'Arcy