Hi all,
My daughter is 4 wks post tx radiation & has fallen into a deep hole. She's lost more weight (under 100 lbs, can't get her to pump more calories thru the PEG tube, & is severely depressed because she still has so much throat pain & can't eat. After reading a lot of posts over these last 3 months I'm aware that depression is pretty normal. The MO and DO both told her yesterday that she needs to get out & be around people & not 'stay in her jammies all day & keep falling in bed', which is exactly what she's doing. She gets up in the am & takes her boys to school, comes back & goes back to bed until time for them to come back home in the afternoon. I called one of her good friends today & asked if she'd give Teri a call & try to get her out (I told her not to tell Teri I'd called her). However, obviously Teri figured out I'd prompted the call & let me have it. She accused me of overstepping my boundry & disrespecting her by making the call! I tried to explain that I was just trying to help her because I love her but she told me again I'd overstepped my bounds & that she's not a child. This is really hard because she is a single mom & I've been the 100% caregiver since diagnosis back in Sept. I've been to every dr appt, radiation appt, hydration appt, made all the med runs, etc etc etc. I know this is really tough on her & it's always very easy to lash out at mom & I can handle that part. However, I know this depression is real & now that she's so upset with me & refuses to see any of her friends, I don't know where to go. She's absolutely refusing any help. Any suggestions?
Bonnie
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CG 41-yo daughter, stg 3 SCC lateral tongue, partial glossectomy, mod neck dissection, 1 pos node, IMRT x 30 complete 12/22

The depression part is really difficult, both for the patient and the caregiver. Sometimes the best thing you can do as the caregiver is just let the person talk - about how their feeling both physically and emotionally, indicate that you hear what they are saying, but since you are NOT the patient can

Good advice Barbara,
Bonnie it is so difficult being a caretaker. There are some people thet you can't drag to get professional help. What they are feeling is real and having a death sentence hanging over you is not easy to overcome............. (It is now when the caretaker usually gives their pep talk and says honey the Dr. said there are a lot of people who are surviving and doing very well with this disease.) The problem is one is mourning and one is trying top move forward. Suggest to her to post her feelings and what sucks about having this disease. I tried this and before long I realized why I was so lonely and depressed. There is a lot of feelings to sort thru and getting them out will speed up the Healing process.
If that doesn't work put sugar on her pasta and tell her that you thought it would help sweeten her up. Cancer can be a battle in more ways than one.

Bonnie - You might bring all of this up the next time your daughter goes to her doctor. I had the same problem with my husband and finally when we went to the doctor she pushed the right button and he broke down in front of her. She explained that it had nothing to do with him as a man it was what they have done to him with the chemicals, treatment, etc. He wasn't eating and this was 8 wks post treatment. Since going on anti-depressants, he is eating and he is back to his old self. As you can see from the posts here, almost everyone has been down this road. Please see that she gets some help. Take care and God Bless you all.
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Caregiver-husband. Stage IV SCC-left tonsil-3 lymph nodes - IMRT X35 - Cisplatin/Tarceva X35- 8/06-Neck dissection 11/06 - 14 lymph nodes.

Bonnie - It is very difficult being a caretaker with a grown child especially if she is not taking in enough nourishment to give her enough energy to do more than just the very basic things. My son (single father) has been taking meds for depression for about two years, (Welbutrin and Zoloft) and I was really worried, right after treatment ended (12/19). He had stopped his weekly counseling sessions with two different therapists and it was only after I tried several different approaches that he decided to go back to the therapy i.e.

Bonnie, the 1st month after my Treatment was the toughest for me and the toughest on my wife. I was depressed and there was no more active treatments to go to, I would sleep during the day and pace the floor at night. I called it stuck in a dark room and developing negatives. Anyways my chief conselor/mentor is my oldest brother, a man I've come to admire for his faith and strenght of conviction. With his guidance and some long hours talking/reading with the lord and the help of folks like Mark/David/Amy/Carol etc... from this board I was able to let some light in the room. Keeping active and getting exercise helps to. Even if it's just a little walk.

Now I'm not saying this will work for your daughter, I'm just letting you know that this is normal. On days back then and even sometimes now my wife has kicked my butt to go do something. And although I may be mean and snappy at her at the time, I love her more for doing it. I hope this made sense to you. Keep on trying to help her get out of the house and reconnect with life. One day she will say OK. And if all that fails...she's a woman suggest a shopping trip. :p

Bonnie,

Try to get her to visit this site. If she will just begin to read what others have posted I believe she will begin to see that her feelings are perfectly normal. I did not find this site until 2 weeks after my Tx had ended but believe me I found immediate mental comfort just knowing that what I was experiencing was normal. People are different and how we deal with adversity is not uniform. Perhaps she just needs the comfort of being "around" others she can relate to. This is the soft love approach.

If that doesn't work, then drag her butt to a professional and lock the door. This is the tough love approach.

Hi Bonnie,

I did the same as your daughter. I did not get dressed unless I was going to the Dr. I would get up in the morning for about an hour or two. Then back to bed. I was just tired and could not do anything more than that. I could barley think. As time went on I would stay up or out of bed longer and longer. My body just needed time.

I found this web site when I was about 4 months out of treatment. Like David said it really helps to know others are feeling the same as you. It helped me a lot! and still does. People here have so much to offer each other.

Hope things will start to improve for your daughter. Then you will see, she is OK and know she is starting to heal. Maybe just give her a hug and then ask what you can do for her to help. This way you will not over step any boundaries. I know it is hard on MOMs.

Take care,
Diane

Hi Bonnie, All you need to do is read these posts and it proves one point "We are all a work in progress" Depression does not just go away it is a constant part of all of our lives. I think people like Tim will fare better because he is willing to admit he is depressed. Everyone of us share each others joy and triumphs and everyone of us also shares each others pain. Your daughter is in that dark room Tim refers to but she will eventually work her way out. In the meantime as hard as it is seeing a child go thru this keep up your support and your love and your message will get thru.
In all of our thoughts and prayers,
Mark

Hi Bonnie, just wanted to share that after John was finished with surgery [a big one] and radiation, all he wanted was to be left alone to sleep and try to regain a "sense of the world". After a couple of weeks, I labeled it "depression". I was wrong! He was just trying to combat the real pain he was in and get through each day. AS caregivers, we see much of what our loved ones are dealing with - but we do not feel the pain. Teri is not very far out of tx. yet. The fact that she makes the effort to get the kids to school and be up when they get home is great! If she is anything like John, she doesn't want to have to deal with anyone else in the interim- She just wants to rest. For now, I think your best help is to see that the pantry and freezer are stocked, run any errands and keep the household chores done. Don't make her feel inadequate! She has a long way to go to regain her physical and emotional strenght. This advice is coming from the "nurse from Hell" as John fondly[I think] calls me. Amy