Hello, everyone.

My tumor was removed about two years ago. The surgeons removed the floor of my mouth, along with all my bottom teeth. Of course, with the radiation treatments, implants are now out of the question. When the plastic surgeon replaced the floor of my mouth, he left it completely flat. Then dental oncologist at MDAnderson, here in Houston, tried for months to make a lower denture that would adhere, but no luck. During the period of letting the skin graft grow, I had to stop all nicotine use, which I did. During my visits to my ENT doctor, she told me that alcohol had as much to do with cancer as did my cigs.

Here's the "crazy" part: About six or seven months after my skin graft, I smoked a cigarette....then another....then another. Now I'm back to smoking over a pack a day. I've also started drinking again.

I know that I have this anger inside me: I'm mad at the "cancer gods", the doctors, the world. I don't like the way the treatment has left me. I have severe dry mouth and I make my living as a dispatcher! I can't talk for 5 minutes without having to take a sip of water. The damned water goes everywhere with me! I don't have any bottom teeth so chewing is not an option. I'm sick and tired of having to "eat" soupy stuff.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Sandy

hi Sandy,

welcome to OCF.

a book on commications i just read says that when folks are venting, they don't really want suggestions as to how to improve their lot. they just want someone to listen. i hear you clearly.

best wishes, venting is good.
cu,
larryb

Thanks for your reply and insight. You're right. I know how to improve my lot....stop drinking and smoking. The only thing is, I feel that I've lost my QUALITY of life, even though I still have life. I'm hoping that one day, I'll be satisfied that I am still alive. I guess I'm just not there yet.

Again, thank you for listening.
Sandy

Hi Sandy,
I hear what you saying. People tell me that I should focus on what may happen in the future. But, how can I not when I know how this cancer works and I know that I will constantly be looking over my shoulder to see if its back. To me that is a real burdon. I'm not the same anymore after my surgery. I don't see how my husband will ever be interested in kissing me again. I talk funny and I can't taste my food. Maybe someday I too will be satisfied that I am still alive. Kelli Keller

You know, I'm not looking over my shoulder anymore. If it comes back, it comes back. I've even stopped going to my ENT since I don't have any insurance (of course I can't afford it now) and I sure can't afford the tests they want to run. The speech impediment, loss of taste, limitation to soft,soupy foods, the dry mouth, blah blah blah is something I'll have to live with the rest of my life. I'm a single person so there's no children in my picture and my partner finally had enough of my drinking and moved out. I will forever be gratefull that she stayed with me throughout my ordeal. I'm hoping one day I'll wake up and say, "gee, what a great day".

SandyJo,

When you wake up tomorrow morning, spend the first few minutes thinking about what you do have. Listen for the birds, notice the sun shining, notice the absence of gunshots...These are examples of things we take for granted that others accept as life.

Email some people on this forum and hear of how they saw their loved ones battle this disease to the last breath. Or, maybe chat with a few people on this forum that know for certain, that there is no more cure available to them, that there are literally days left to spend with their families.

Spend the last days with a terminal parent discussing life and death as you see them whither away until their physical body gives out.

You sound like you are so unhappy with the way things are yet you do not seem to want to do anything about it. If you are not willing to do whatever it takes to enjoy life and live life to the fullest, what do you expect from others?

I hope tomorrow you wake up and say, "gee, what a great day". You have been blessed with two great years yet you have wasted most if not all of those days, based on your post. Carpe Diem, sieze the day, for it is yours to do with as you choose.

Ed

Sandy,

I'm not going to blow sunshine up your you-know-what. Having this disease sucks. Going through the treatment for this disease sucks. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who has stared the "beast" in the mouth can have as many bad days as they need to cope with what has happened to them. I just hope when you do have a good day, you allow yourself to enjoy it. I'm hoping that day comes soon for you.

Hang in there...

-Brett

Sandy
I know you are in a bad place right now, just know we all have been there, and some are still dealing with bad stuff now. I just want you to know people here do care. Lot of Love your way. You will be in my prayers

Joan, thank you. After reading a lot of the postings here, I'm really not in a bad place. I'm lucky enough to still have my job and, more or less, my health. Thank you again, for your thoughts and prayers.

Sandy

Thanks, Brett, for your kind words. I sure do have my "pity pot" days and thankfully, they're only occassional. One of the reasons I came to this site is because only those of us who've gone through this can truly appreaciate what a struggle it is. My two brothers, both of them out of my state, try to understand and they do get on me about my smoking and drinking. I guess I've convinced myself that cancer is a crap shoot and people who don't smoke or drink have gotten cancers much worse than mine.

When I was going through MD Anderson for my dental oncologist, I saw many people, so very many people, who were hit with all kinds of oral cancers and I do remember feeling "fortunate".

Sandy