Hello all,

I wrote many years ago...my last posting is below...I wrote you all to try to understand why my husband wanted to be alone after he finished treatment. He was diagnosed March 10, 2004, finished treatment and then wanted to be on his own.........

In 2005........
Hello all,

Thinking of all and sending good vibes and ommms....esp to Didier..you're a wonderful group.

I am most of a reader not a writer (I send lots of good vibes to you all everyday I hope they are helpful and healing).

I have only written a few times mostly when I guess I feel REALLY overwhelmed...so this must be one of those times...Thank you all in advance for "listening to me whine for a bit"...

John finished treatment last year...
We have gotten through the anniversaries: diagnosis, surgery, end of radiation, trach removal, and tomorrow will be the anniversary of the g-tube removal...
He can't remember the dates, but he has really been upset with me on each anniversary...
He still has pain, he can eat meats and veggies slowly w/ lots of gravy and milk, and has lost 30 lbs weight...He is AMAZING...he has worked full -time almost the entire time, he is in therapy, on anti-depression medications...he still relates really well to our daughter...mostly though he is angry and resentful of me because I haven't been able to help more...

Now he says that all he wants to do is be alone...
He feels let down and resentful that I haven't done enough to help him and he can see I'm getting tired and that makes him really angry...he feels that I'm not giving 100% and even though he admits I did give 150% percent last year...he says...it's just not enough...

Forward to today....
You all wrote great comments, gave me strength and supported me to keep giving him support and to be patient and to push him a bit.

In 2008, he moved out to live w/ his mom, now he is dating a married woman, and now, yes, we are finally, finally getting divoriced.

I am so terribly, terribly sad. He was the love of my life.

I prayed everyday when he was in treatment, that he would recover and that we would share our lives. I so looked forward to being able to chaperoning our daughter's 10th grade dance together.

It feels that being a caretaker, has made it so much harder for me to get a grip on the reality that he needs to move on.

Today, I saw that Philadelphia is having it's first Oral Cancer Awarenes Walk. I emailed this to John. He knew about it and wondered why I would be interested. I just need to write and tell you all how much i wish i coudl be walking with him and letting people know that there is hope and wellness.

Well, I am not sure what i need right now. I guess to tell you all that I will be walking in spirit with you all wherever you walk (or run). I am so impressed with those of you who go through this treatment and I know it is tough to be on the caring end of it...

I will be a proud sponsor and I thank all of you over the years for your openness, great ideas, funny, funny entrys (wish i could be funnier today), and support.

Best,

Sara