Hello all,

I wrote many years ago...my last posting is below...I wrote you all to try to understand why my husband wanted to be alone after he finished treatment. He was diagnosed March 10, 2004, finished treatment and then wanted to be on his own.........

In 2005........
Hello all,

Thinking of all and sending good vibes and ommms....esp to Didier..you're a wonderful group.

I am most of a reader not a writer (I send lots of good vibes to you all everyday I hope they are helpful and healing).

I have only written a few times mostly when I guess I feel REALLY overwhelmed...so this must be one of those times...Thank you all in advance for "listening to me whine for a bit"...

John finished treatment last year...
We have gotten through the anniversaries: diagnosis, surgery, end of radiation, trach removal, and tomorrow will be the anniversary of the g-tube removal...
He can't remember the dates, but he has really been upset with me on each anniversary...
He still has pain, he can eat meats and veggies slowly w/ lots of gravy and milk, and has lost 30 lbs weight...He is AMAZING...he has worked full -time almost the entire time, he is in therapy, on anti-depression medications...he still relates really well to our daughter...mostly though he is angry and resentful of me because I haven't been able to help more...

Now he says that all he wants to do is be alone...
He feels let down and resentful that I haven't done enough to help him and he can see I'm getting tired and that makes him really angry...he feels that I'm not giving 100% and even though he admits I did give 150% percent last year...he says...it's just not enough...

Forward to today....
You all wrote great comments, gave me strength and supported me to keep giving him support and to be patient and to push him a bit.

In 2008, he moved out to live w/ his mom, now he is dating a married woman, and now, yes, we are finally, finally getting divoriced.

I am so terribly, terribly sad. He was the love of my life.

I prayed everyday when he was in treatment, that he would recover and that we would share our lives. I so looked forward to being able to chaperoning our daughter's 10th grade dance together.

It feels that being a caretaker, has made it so much harder for me to get a grip on the reality that he needs to move on.

Today, I saw that Philadelphia is having it's first Oral Cancer Awarenes Walk. I emailed this to John. He knew about it and wondered why I would be interested. I just need to write and tell you all how much i wish i coudl be walking with him and letting people know that there is hope and wellness.

Well, I am not sure what i need right now. I guess to tell you all that I will be walking in spirit with you all wherever you walk (or run). I am so impressed with those of you who go through this treatment and I know it is tough to be on the caring end of it...

I will be a proud sponsor and I thank all of you over the years for your openness, great ideas, funny, funny entrys (wish i could be funnier today), and support.

Best,

Sara

Sara, I would bet the divorce would have happened without OC . IT REALLY SOUNDS AS IF HE HAD THIS IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND FOR A LONG TIME. Forgive the caps but i am too tired to retype > Sorry Just don't blame yourself and things will work out for you.

Sara

Go ahead and walk if you like. OC had an effect on your life also and there are so many of us still struggling with it that would appreciate you walking.

I am sorry that he broke your heart. You were supportive and it is unfair for him to say that you did not do enough. Please do not allow him to make you responsible for his choice to date this other woman or any other woman. That is his choice.

Concentrate on taking care of you and your children. Become happy with yourself and by yourself. As hard as it is forgive him and be civil for the kid's benefit. You have an entire life a head of you.

Patty

All I can say is I pity the next woman that falls for him.

On the Wizard of Oz scale I think he lacks the Brain and the Heart not to mention the Courage.

I think you are WAY WAY better off without him and the next guy you fall for is the lucky one.

Sara i often wondered if my marriage would have survived if robin had lived.I ofen felt like the butt of his anger and resentment at the disease,Basically there was no one else to take it out on.It took away his strength and in some respects threatened his perceived man hood, and my ability to be able to cope in a practical way,and take charge of his meds,appointments,feedings,and all the other stuff we do such as applying for financial help dealing with the bank and the tax man driving washing cleaning phone screening door answering excuse maker when he didnt want to see and speak to anyone,nurse,bully,nagger,the list goes on,and at the end of all that you have a man who feels less of a man because you have carried him through a time when weakness was his worst enemy.He resents you lashes out at you because you have a strength that has been taken from him,and he cant be the husband you once knew.

Its a bitch,and most people get through it,but some just can't.Once the recovery is underway they don't want to be around the one person who knows their every weakness and whos very presence reminds them of a terrible time in their lives.
Its so sad but i am afraid it happens.I am lucky because i will never know if it would have happened to me,but i have this strange feeling that.............

I am sorry it has turnedout like this for you but like your husband and like me you are yet another victim of this truly cruel disease.

liz

Now Liz, those really were words of wisdom. You really stated what you had to say very well and even Jim here understood it.

Sara

Sorry to hear about the divorce. It must be very difficult for you to dea with this after taking care of your husband. Do not take any blame personally. It wasnt youthat chose divorce. You did the right thing by taking care of him and supporting him thru OC. If he would become sick again, hopefully his new support system will step up to his needs. Nobody knows what the future holds.

Do not allow this to stop you from attending a walk. If you are anywhere near the Bethlehem area, there is one on May 2. Many OCF members, myself included will be attending that one. We would love for you to be there.

On the other side of what Liz was describing I was a man who felt damn lucky to have someone care enough about me to stick with the program until I was back to normal. Whatever I thought about my wife pre Tx was only enhanced 100 times post Tx and I feel fortunate on one hand since most couples don't really get to experience the bonding that can only take place under this type of stress.

David,

I love your "Wizard of Oz' scale. Well said.

Sara,

I sorry this turned out this way but if that is how he feels, you will be better off without him. Get on with YOUR life and do not blame yourself. You did all you could and then some.

Take care,
Eileen

David, better inform your wife to get you all the way back to normal .. LOL I owed you that one buddy.

Sara

It's the sad truth that there are too many losers like John. My mom used to say about louts like him that they are not real men.(the Lawrence Welk TV show which had been sacred in our house was forever banned when he divorced his wife).
Divorce is always sad (except for abuse)and I know the collective hearts of OCF go out to you. David's assessment of John is so true. To continue with the Wizard of Oz metaphors: John is just another flying monkey. Too bad he took your heart. Perhaps he ever regains his manhood he will come crawling back to you begging forgiveness. Be strong for your child.

I must admit that I am divorced but, we just didn't get along and always said when we raise our kids we will divorce. 43 yrs later we did just that and are better friends than we were.

Never was normal and I'm damn proud of it.

I agree David. THe big D is a bad deal and creates too many bad feelings from friends and family. Stick with it unless it is miserable, then get out.

Hello everyone,

You guys are too, too much.

I will never be able to thank you enough now and over the years for your support and and WONDERFUL sense of humor!!!!!!

Your strength as individuals and as a group is inspirational!!!

I will be walking in April and will try to come up the Bethlehem in May to walk with one of my brothers living in the area. I may try to find some red sneakers (slippers may be a bit tough on the toes!).

I feel so much better remembering that there is a future, very different that the one I once saw, but perhaps one that was meant to be!!!

Thank you so much and I will kepp chceking in as I do and sending all TONS OF LOVE and PRAISES and STRENGTH!!!

Lots of love,

Sara

Sara, we love to make people feel better about themselves. After all, most of us are 110% human and have those deep caring feelings. I hope you get those red tennys for Bethlehem.

Hi. I have gone through a very similar situation with my husband, sveral times. He tried to leave, and we have been separated.
John's actions sound so much like Scott's. He wants to forget vs dealing with all of this. He most likely feels guilt and doesn't want to look at you as it reminds him of HIS guilt of putting you through this. Although you may not have ever said anything like this to him.
He believes that by leaving his life with you he will be leaving all the sadness and loss that cancer has brought upon him.
A new person represents the ability to leave all that crap behind. Not so. Unfortunatley he will eventually have to deal with all the pain of the cancer and he will grieve the loss of his marriage to you.
He can run for only so long.

I had to let my husband go and he almost lost everything. I too prayed every day.
He hit bottom and luckily I just happen to stop by his house and found him unconcious from not taking his morphine. He went into the hospital and then detox.
A new man arose. He is 53 days free from morphine and is making remarkable strdes.
All you can do is be there for yourself, your daugher and pray for him each day.
I will pray for you and John.

Sara, if you are able to attend the Bethlehem walk, please post so we can meet up. There will be many OCF members attending, including myself, Jerry, Susan Mushock, Susan Lauria, and Ray. Hope to see you there.