The pain and frustration in your posting in palpable. I wish there was a vehicle by which we could offer you more than words to help alleviate some of your discomfort. Watching from the sidelines while someone you love battles a disease as severe as cancer is always emotionally painful and draining. The sense of helplessness to contribute to the successful outcome of your loved one's fight can break some people. Since you have said that you communicate well, tell him that as his lifelong companion, soul mate, etc. that you do not wish to "be protected" from his situation, that it is of utmost importance for you to be with him when it gets really bad. How else can you be there emotionally for him when his need is the greatest? Talk with his doctors, so that you feel as informed of every detail as possible. They have a responsibility to tell you everything in as much detail as you wish to know it. Sometimes that information will help you find hope, or if things are bad, help you prepare and deal mentally with the negative that awaits in the future. I never felt closer to my wife, not in an intimate embrace in our youth, not in a moment of passion, than I did when she was by my side at my time of greatest pain and fear. I am forever grateful to her for the strength that she showed, and her ability to transfer some of that strength to me when I was too weak to find my own. Hopefully you will find others who will offer their strength and experiences, and you will find some personal support through them. These are the times that try our souls