Thanks all for your comments.

- I was told by several Dr's that I am Stage IV.

Since there are 2 nodes involved and they are large.

- Last night I had a total meltdown.

I was having nightmares about racing onto a freeway going the wrong direction.

I feel like that's what my life is now, just a matter of time before I have a head on collision.

It is truly inspiring to read sincere notes from so many wonderful people.

Basically, I have to decide which course to take.

Since I am Stage IV already, I am not sure that taking no course would be worse than the treatments the Drs are suggesting.

I present to the tumor board on Thursday at Stanford.

As far as getting help with the resort, we were just getting things off the ground and it doesn't justify the added personnel, not to mention my medical costs, support and care.

I'm afraid we maybe should sell, but that is like pulling the rug out from under our dreams, plus it leaves my partner in a horrible position, even if I pull out of this...

That's the thing. I get the feeling you are never "over this". From all I read it seems like once I have been diagnosed, I am just a ticking time bomb. Even IF we get it all using these centuries old technologies of barbaric surgery, lethal doses of poison, and cancer causing radiation...The odds of it returning are so high, it doesn't seem worth the fight.

What I read is that 60, 70 or 80% of us get it again. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On one hand, I think why put my partner, our business, and our families through this rollercoaster.

When I was first Dx'd I thought, "OK, whatever it takes I'm going to get through this..." But, that's just it, you never get "through this" do you?

I don't mean any disrespect to any of you here on the board. I respect the battles you've won and am not trying to diminish the importance of your strength.

It's just a realization for me, and I'm not sure if I want to take that journey.

Our resort was such a fantasy come true for both of us. We were only able to enjoy it 6 months. Just long enough to remodel and start to see the joys of owning it.

If we loose it, then we loose everything! Not only that, my parents would loose their home that we've had together with them for 10 years.

I know it seems petty to be worried about financial considerations, but frankly, it is reality.

Why should I wreak my partner's future (he's only 33) and my family's home and retirement future..?

What's the "best possible outcome"..? Surgery that removes every microscopic cancer cell. Come on...that'll never happen. Then what radiation? Then what, "I'm cancer free" if all goes perfectly perfect...then, for how long? At what cost? (not only financially, but costs in other ways too)

Mutilation? Dealing with the public while they're on vacation. They don't want to see a cancer patient serving them breakfast.

I'll never really be "cancer free" even if all goes well, right?

I mean, we aren't treating the deficiency that caused the cancer in the first place, just using old, barbaric treatments with the slim hope that it will keep me alive a short period longer.

Please give me any thoughts!

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