Danny Boy,

It's taken me a couple days to reply because I just wasn't sure what to say. And it took me awhile to get past the tears long enough to be able to type. I do want to echo the thoughts of many others here. I think you have received some terrific advice. A different antidepressant, counseling, a swift kick in the pants laugh .........all good suggestions. I definitely think depression must have a strong hold on you right now and that's perfectly understandable. Who in your shoes would not be depressed? frown

As for feeling dizzy, that does tend to happen when a person doesn't eat, Danny! As for the chemo, my advice to your family is to back off. Only you can decide how you want to fight this. They need to give you some breathing room.

Christine makes a good point about checking with hospice. The only drawback to that (in Heather's case) was that hospice groups here don't accept people into hospice until they have decided to forego further treatment. You can move out of hospice if you wish to start treatment again, though, and then re-enter later. That may not be the case everywhere though. Even if you don't enter hospice yet, it would still be a good idea to talk to them and find out what they have to offer. Just having a plan in place for later may help to ease your mind.

I would like to say I know exactly how you feel, but I don't. I knew my child was going to die, but that is not the same as knowing one's self is going to die. I feel ashamed to say it, but I gave up long before Heather did. Although I encouraged her to continue chemo and I tried to stay positive, I knew in my heart she wasn't going to survive.

You have mentioned before that she was one, among others here, who set the bar high and she truly did. She didn't give up until just before the end. It was Friday, Sept 26th when she said she was done with treatment. Sunday the 28th, she expressed her wish for me to help her end it quickly (which I tried, but just couldn't bring myself to do). October 6th, she was gone. 10 days, Danny Boy, only 10 days before the end did she give up.

But then, Heather was a very strong person. Her husband and her brother both said they would have given up months earlier. None of us could understand how she hung on as long as she did. During one memorable weekend in May, the doctors and nurses all felt she wouldn't make it through the weekend. They were all pressing her to choose her end-of-life options. Did she want to go on life support, etc. Can you guess her reaction? Depression, you think?

No. She was angry! Angry that they were giving up on her. Angry to think that she was losing her allies in the fight. Angry because she wasn't ready to let go of life yet.

You said you are angry. But are you angry enough? Maybe it's time to grab hold of that anger with both hands, Danny. Rant and rave and fight this thing tooth and nail. And never forget, doctors are only human. They are not gods. Yes, we all know this bastard of a disease kills, but I'm sure we have all heard stories about people who were given 6 weeks to live and ended up living 6 years instead! Yes, this probably will kill you, but who can know that for sure? For all we know, that new treatment breakthrough is only months away. Are you going to give up now and maybe miss out on a cure by mere months? Every month that you fight this brings you one month closer to a cure. Am I being too optimistic? Maybe. But that is what got Heather through 5 months of agonizing pain. The hope that a cure was just around the corner. That she would be that one-in-a-million who was granted a miracle. Don't give up that hope, Danny. You just never know what's in store just around the corner.

Rainbows, hugs & much, much love, wink
Rosie

Was primary caregiver to my daughter Heather who had stage IV base of tongue SCC w/ primary recurrence. Original diagnosis August 21st, 2002. Primary recurrence March 18th, 2003. Died October 6th, 2003.