Hi GG, I'm Daun. I live in Black Mountain NC (USA). I just joined today and you are the first post I've responded to.
I just felt compelled to remind you to be more compassionate with yourself. This is something I'm trying to do with myself too and It's not always easy.
I am a few steps behind you as I just had my tongue biopsy yesterday. Still dealing with this awful pain!
I have to wait two more weeks for my results but I saw myself in you. The fear, the self-judgement (for not being more positive), etc. We have to remind ourselves that we are going to feel a tremendous amount of varying feelings. We should expect them, we deserve them but we don't deserve to judge ourselves for having them on top of everything else we're going through.
Personally, I am dealing with guilt/shame for being a smoker. I am trying everything in my "tool box" to quit. Some days I do OK...others? not so much. So may I please suggest that at this point, try not to judge yourself for any of your feelings, not even how "positive" other's seem to be. You are your own soul, with your own experiences. Try to be your own best friend now. How would you talk to her? Would you accuse her of being weak? Of course you wouldn't. All we can do it TRY not to judge ourselves. I have to try every single day.
I wish you the fullest recovery.
Here's to being "Dark and Whiny" and STILL loving ourselves. :-)
Daun