WARNING: Long 8 month vent release.

Did this all really happen? Tell my brain to turn it off.

I just need to put this out in the universe. I had a very quick, fortunate experience with cancer. I am struggling with the whole did this all really happen. Within one month I was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery, and then I was free of cancer. Friends have forgotten that this even happened, but it is always on my brain.

I feel that I am blowing it out of proportion, I didn't have chemo or radiation, but does that make it less real? I live in fear everyday that it is coming back. I sometimes feel that the doctors must have gotten it wrong because it makes NO SENSE that I got tongue cancer.

I also feel that I don't have the right to worry since it was such an "insignificant" event and so many others have it so much worse than me. Who am I to complain? I am so fortunate. I found, they fixed, all done, end of story. I have cried maybe twice from this whole ordeal. But yet, is it the end of the story?

I have been cancer free for 8 months and during those 8 months I have had 3 biopsies, 3 ultrasounds of my neck and a CT, plus monthly doctor appointments. Everything keeps coming back negative(YAY), but it keeps this at the front of by brain! And every ache in my mouth and sore is just like reliving it all over again.

Every time I talk, every time I eat, every time I sing (i love to sing one of my favorite things to do) and do other random tasks I am reminded. That I am the same and yet somehow I am different.

As a Christian, these fears weigh heavily me. Feeling that I am not fully relying on God and that I should be more grateful. Which I am extremely grateful, I just don't know how to give up these fears and anxieties. I keep my self occupied because I work full-time, I have a 2 year-old son, and a wonderful husband. But I feel there are reminders everywhere. DOES IT EVER FULLY GO AWAY? How do I turn off my brain?

Thanks friends. I don't know who to talk about it, or who would understand. Just caught in an awkward place, and wondering if this is my new normal.

Lori, age 30 (HPV-, non-drinker, non-smoker, non-tobacoo user)
Dx 3/18/13 - T1N0M0 SCC L.Tongue
Tx 4/4/13 - Partial glossectomy (no rad/no chemo).
8/8/13 - Thyroid FNA - benign nodule
12/20/13 - Tongue Biopsy - Mild hyperkeratotic dysplasia
12/26/13 - Lymph FNA - benign (dx Cervical lymphadenopathy)
3/17/14 - Tongue Biopsy - normal tissue
5/5/14 - Tongue Biopsy - (awaiting results)