Oh how familiar does this sound. The major difference being that I was not willing to allow anyone to cut on Harry until we were absolutely sure what we were dealing with.

It is strange looking back to when we started this journey. There were 2 very distinct moments but I guess I really didn't feel like life changed forever until that first night I spent alone when he went into the hospital to begin his treatments.

To be honest, we both continue to struggle with the issue of our "new and forever changed" life. I cannot tell you that we will ever really deal with it. We will find a way to adjust I am sure but I suspect, as has been the case so far, that we will never really be able to live comfortably in our new skin.

I remember telling a friend of mine after dx and before tx began that I could not do this. And that I was scared to death that Harry would not want to go through with the txs after the docs gave us the run down of what the txs were like. About 6 weeks later she reminded me of what I had said and I was still thinking and then she said "You're doing it!" I had not thought of it that way but I guess I can do it. So can Harry and we are doing it together.

When we got home after the initial meeting with the medical oncologist Harry had already decided that he wasn't going to do the txs. I pushed and pushed and I will tell you that I could not be prouder if I tried. He has taken the drugs and rad very very hard and has managed to perservere. That takes guts and I will always admire that in him.

Your road can be long and hard. I know people told me this same thing when I first came here and they were right. But they also kept telling me that we can and will get through this just as they all have. And so far we are making it, not without scars of course, but we are still here fighting.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it took a long time for me to adjust to the "one day at a time" life that we now are forced to live. But I got there. Harry has adjusted differently as the patient. There is much of this that I hope he just simply won't remember. But I suspect that once he gets back on his feet that the time will come as he struggles to define his life under these new terms. We have never been closer and yet we are more seperate in our daily experiences than we have ever been.

I look at life like this... If I am lucky enough to get out of bed in the morning and I make it to the darkness then the day was a success. It is all I can do. But struggle you will. I found comfort and help here in this forum and I believe that you will also.

Take Gary's advice... MAjor Cancer Center... and think and ask and don't always take the first explanations. If you have questions, I certainly am not the one to answer :-) but there are a lot of people here with various experiences who have given me more than I could have ever asked for.

I don't know how much help this really was but just know that you have started right by being here.

Welcome.

Cindy