Kerri

No apologies necessary. It does seem our future calendars keep synchronizing: my MRI with contrast is Jan 13th and my RO will give his interpretation of it to me on the 18th (when you get the same scan). We will cross this finish line together triumphantly. Believe it !
Congratulations on getting rid of the PEG. As you now know from personal experience, the over rosy picture painted by the pegophiles does not reflect the reality and hassles of the PEG that occur to a substantial minority of us. Sort of adds insult to injury when no one seems to understand about the tube just falling out, etc.((okay, I'm on a PEG rant recently after having to burn off more granulation tissue with silver nitrate sticks which is painful). It really is a major blessing and good sign that you are free of it. You are ahead of me already!
I really understand and get the panic attacks, the unremitting anxiety, the frustrating lack of definite prognosis that are tormenting you. For what it's worth, my caregiver wife is going through almost all of that also as she worries. worries, worries when I cough up a little blood or get really tired or wake up choking in the middle of the night. It's worse for you though since you are so young and have had to go back into the hospital so many times already. Of course you wonder if these feelings will ever end and question how you can go on like this.
All I can say is hang in there. Keep meditating, praying, taking the medications. When I was diagnosed with this third round of cancer, my son bought me a journal whose cover read:
KEEP CALM & CARRY ON. That was a slogan the British government had made posters in advance to be distributed only if the worst catastrophe happened: the Nazi's invaded and occupied England. It was never officially released but has become very popular lately. I repeat it to myself as a sort of mantra right now. There is no denying that our recurrences were catastrophic but we are survivors. We know you can do this. See you at the finish line
Charm