RIP, Katie Travis Barrett, 02-14-2014 (Katie B.) - 02-22-2014 01:12 AM
I'm truly heartbroken. My beloved Katie left us last Friday. Valentine's Day, of all days...
She was at her Mom's apartment in NYC, so at least our two young children didn't have to experience the trauma of seeing paramedics trying to revive their mother. Maybe part of Katie knew this.
The last two months have been hellish. We stopped radiation treatment at the end of December because her BOT tumor wasn't responding anymore to the treatment. We were trying to get her well enough to qualify for a clinical trial, but the truth is that she may never have gotten well enough. Without anything holding the tumor at bay, we think it grew extremely aggressively and started impeding her esophagus and eventually her trachea. In mid-January, she finally tried to swallow again...to exercise those muscles in prep for the trial, and discovered she really couldn't. The tumor was blocking her esophagus enough that the liquid would just come right back up and out her nose and even out of the open wound on her neck. It was horrific.
On Thursday, the day before she died, her Mom reported that Katie's breathing wasn't great. I strongly suspect that the tumor was starting to impact her trachea also. On Friday morning, her Mom gave her methadone and it knocked her out (as all the opiates did) and a few minutes later, when her Mom came back into the room, Katie wasn't breathing. We think her heart stopped, and then she just slipped away, without any pain, without any fear, and in her childhood home. All things considered, not a terrible way to die.
So it's been a week now and it's not really any easier. I know that with enough time, the pain will fade and I'll be able to focus on the good memories, but whoo-boy is this not an easy time. I've set up some grief therapy sessions for myself and my kids in two weeks (at Good Grief in Morristown). This should be a good thing.
I'm spending time each night with both my kids (ages 5yo and 6yo) telling them stories about Mommy and showing them pictures and videos. I want them to have some solid memories of her that they can carry with them forever. It's incredibly difficult for me to do this, to sit and scroll through endless photos of my beautiful happy family and to see videos of Katie singing like an angel. But I'll do it for my kids. They deserve to have memories of their mother without the cancer.
My brother has set up a College Scholarship Fund for my kids. People have been extraordinarily generous. I will be donating a portion of the final amount to the Oral Cancer Foundation.
While going through Katie's phone, I found she had recorded herself singing "Smile" by Nat King Cole about one year before diagnosis. It was the only voice memo she ever made on the phone and it's so perfect it's eerie. I cry every single time I hear it. I've been sharing it with everyone who knew or loved Katie. You can Katie singing "Smile" listen to it here.
I miss her so much. The world is not a fair place. Not fair at all. We'll have a "Memorial/Celebration" for Katie on March 16th at 1:30pm at the Community Church of NY Unitarian Universalist, 40 East 35th St. NYC. All are welcome to come celebrate the life of my Katie.
She was at her Mom's apartment in NYC, so at least our two young children didn't have to experience the trauma of seeing paramedics trying to revive their mother. Maybe part of Katie knew this.
The last two months have been hellish. We stopped radiation treatment at the end of December because her BOT tumor wasn't responding anymore to the treatment. We were trying to get her well enough to qualify for a clinical trial, but the truth is that she may never have gotten well enough. Without anything holding the tumor at bay, we think it grew extremely aggressively and started impeding her esophagus and eventually her trachea. In mid-January, she finally tried to swallow again...to exercise those muscles in prep for the trial, and discovered she really couldn't. The tumor was blocking her esophagus enough that the liquid would just come right back up and out her nose and even out of the open wound on her neck. It was horrific.
On Thursday, the day before she died, her Mom reported that Katie's breathing wasn't great. I strongly suspect that the tumor was starting to impact her trachea also. On Friday morning, her Mom gave her methadone and it knocked her out (as all the opiates did) and a few minutes later, when her Mom came back into the room, Katie wasn't breathing. We think her heart stopped, and then she just slipped away, without any pain, without any fear, and in her childhood home. All things considered, not a terrible way to die.
So it's been a week now and it's not really any easier. I know that with enough time, the pain will fade and I'll be able to focus on the good memories, but whoo-boy is this not an easy time. I've set up some grief therapy sessions for myself and my kids in two weeks (at Good Grief in Morristown). This should be a good thing.
I'm spending time each night with both my kids (ages 5yo and 6yo) telling them stories about Mommy and showing them pictures and videos. I want them to have some solid memories of her that they can carry with them forever. It's incredibly difficult for me to do this, to sit and scroll through endless photos of my beautiful happy family and to see videos of Katie singing like an angel. But I'll do it for my kids. They deserve to have memories of their mother without the cancer.
My brother has set up a College Scholarship Fund for my kids. People have been extraordinarily generous. I will be donating a portion of the final amount to the Oral Cancer Foundation.
While going through Katie's phone, I found she had recorded herself singing "Smile" by Nat King Cole about one year before diagnosis. It was the only voice memo she ever made on the phone and it's so perfect it's eerie. I cry every single time I hear it. I've been sharing it with everyone who knew or loved Katie. You can Katie singing "Smile" listen to it here.
I miss her so much. The world is not a fair place. Not fair at all. We'll have a "Memorial/Celebration" for Katie on March 16th at 1:30pm at the Community Church of NY Unitarian Universalist, 40 East 35th St. NYC. All are welcome to come celebrate the life of my Katie.