Well my OCF friends, it looks like we are on the last leg of this journey. Jim has been in the palliative car center for the last 4 days and is now sleeping most of the day & no longer awakens to my voice. I am totally distraught and upset beyond my wildest imagination and/or expectations. I really thought I was prepared for this. I keep questioning everything I am doing and have done. His left lung is paralyzed from the tumor growing across the nerve and his right one is filled with pneumonia. So, just thought I'd let you know...please pray for his transition to be a peaceful one...I miss him so much.
Paula
Paula,
Although I have not posted to you recently, I have been following your travails and have been and will continue to pray for Jim and for strenght for you.
Malka
Oh Paula, I feel so sad for you and Jim. It has been a tough road for you both. I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing. You are and have been a wonderful caregiver to your husband these last 4 years. I will pray for you and Jim.
Anita
Paula,
I'll light a candle for you and Jim. All my strength and prayers to you both.
- Margaret
Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers....there's no way to prepare and having followed your posts you shouldn't question yourself,you've done a wonderful job as CG.
Paula:
My prayers are with you both.
Steve
Paula,
I've been following your post. It's human nature to question yourself did I do this right, did I do that, could I have done something else, you did everything you could possible do to help him. You're a wonderful Caregiver, don't question yourself.
You both are in my thoughts and prayers.
Connie
Paula, I have no words, but pass to you love, hugs, and gentle prayer in this truly difficult time.
Paula, it has been such a long rough road for you both. I will continue to keep both you and Jim in my daily prayers.
Paula,
I'm sending you all the love I have.
Life is a journey that has a beginning and an end for us. It is the love and memories shared with those we hold dear that make life so sweet...and so hard when the journey ends.
Jim is leaving the pain and struggle and finding peace...he is leaving knowing that he was loved and that he had a companion that loved him and was willing to be there with him until the end of his journey.
As a man who believed my time had come, I can never express the feelings I had (and have) for my wife/caregiver, Aly, knowing she was there with me and for me until I passed on.
Never regret the decisions you made my friend, because it was the decision to stand by Jim that mattered the most.
My heart is with you and Jim...peace be with you both.
Eric
Paula: I'm sending you this message through my tears. I'm incredibly sad for both of you. I know how strong Jim has been through all of this - as have you. Don't you EVER question anything you did as his caregiver - we should all be so lucky as to have someone like you in our lives. You truly are a treasure, and I know Jim believes that too.
It will be excruciating to say "see you later", and let him go. But he is going to a place of peace and comfort - in God's care.
Luv ya
Donna
Paula,
I'm so sorry. Hang in there. You must go on. I'm sure Jim would have wanted you to be strong.
May peace be with you both and both are in our thoughts and prayers1! Semper-Fi Bob
Sending strength and hugs your way..I know this is so very hard.
Deb
Paula, you and Jim are in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't second guess yourself... you are a trooper and hung in there to support Jim through this difficult journey. I hope that you will be gentle and kind to yourself as you begin your recovery from this experience.
Big hug from NC
Dodie
Paula - I'm so sorry for the ever so painful days you and Jim are having to go through. I hold you both in my heart and in my prayers and hope for some peaceful and gentle moments for the two of you.
Prayers to you and to Jim for a peaceful journey.
Paula, I'm so, so sorry for all you are going through. Without a doubt the most difficult thing in life is to watch someone you love so much suffer. You have been a GREAT caregiver to Jim. It is natural to second guess yourself but please don't do that. Jim is very lucky to have you. I will pray for a quick, peaceful passing for Jim. He is going to finally be pain free and at peace in a better place.
Eric's post was beautiful. Jim is on a journey that we all will make one day. Continued prayers to both of you and your family. Wanda
Don't crack now sweetie you have done so very well for so very long xxxx
I'm sorry the end is so near. My thuoughts are with you both.
Take care,
Eileen
I am so sad and don't know what to say....you are both in my prayers
Hugs,
Shelley
Paula I pray that you will have peace in your heart. I pray that you will not question yourself, but know that you did your best through this journey. I am so sad for you, but I know that Jim will be at rest and at peace.
All my love.
Christine
Paula,
My Mom died of cancer at 52 and my Dad of Diabetes at 67. Both times I thought I had known so long that there was no way I would feel grief at either of their deaths. But you can't pre grieve so don't beat your self up that you aren't ready or you would some how be prepared for this time. As I told a friend this weekend who lost her only son at 43 to a sudden death. I don't think the loss every goes away but the sharp edges smooth with time. I will keep you in my prayers.
Paula
Please don't second guess yourself. My diocesan paper referenced a New Yorker article by an oncologist with this particular excerpt. I hope it provides you some comfort since it documents just how right your actions are:
[quote]The simple view is that medicine exists to fight death and disease, and that is, of course, its most basic task. Death is the enemy. But the enemy has superior forces. Eventually, it wins. And, in a war that you cannot win, you don�t want a general who fights to the point of total annihilation. You don�t want Custer. You want Robert E. Lee, someone who knew how to fight for territory when he could and how to surrender when he couldn�t, someone who understood that the damage is greatest if all you do is fight to the bitter end.
More often, these days, medicine seems to supply neither Custers nor Lees. We are increasingly the generals who march the soldiers onward, saying all the while, �You let me know when you want to stop.� All-out treatment, we tell the terminally ill, is a train you can get off at any time�just say when. But for most patients and their families this is asking too much. They remain riven by doubt and fear and desperation; some are deluded by a fantasy of what medical science can achieve. But our responsibility, in medicine, is to deal with human beings as they are. People die only once. They have no experience to draw upon. They need doctors and nurses who are willing to have the hard discussions and say what they have seen, who will help people prepare for what is to come[/quote]
Dear Paula...I Don't know what to say except that both you and Jim are in my prayers for a peaceful passing and may time heal your heart..
Paula,
So sorry to hear this. I'm praying for you both.
Paula, Honey I'm so very sorry. You are a most wonderful wife and caregiver. Yours is one of the most hardest fought battles I have ever known of. No matter how much you think you are prepared-you aren't. Hold his hand, tell him you love him and know he is going to a better place.
Thanks everyone for all of your heartfelt words and for the wisdom and experience that you all have shared with me. Jim lost his battle yesterday @ 10:45 am. I was holding his hand and rubbing his arm. His breathing never changed - he took one deep gasp of air and then it was done. Death is a thief and it has robbed me of the one thing that was purposeful to me.
I have an appointment at 1:00 today to make funeral arrangements....wish I could crawl into a hole and die with him.
Paula
Paula, may God bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
D
I am so very sorry Paula. There are no words that can ease your pain. Heaven has welcomed another OCF Angel while those of us left behind wish it wasn't so.
My prayers are with you. Sounds very trite to say something like "if there is anything I can do", but you do know your OCF family IS here for you day and night. Some of us have limited speech so we're very good listeners!!
Hugs
Donna
Oh Paula.....words can't express my heartfelt sadness for you at this time. Like Donna said, your OCF family is here for you 24/7. I hate this disease....
Hugs,
Shelley
Paula
Sympathy and condolences on your loss of Jim. Life is so unfair.
If I knew words to assuage your grief, I'd share them but at a time like this, there are none.
Charm
I'm sorry for your loss Paula, but you need not to think like that. Please celebrate his life not his death. Think of him and smile and think of the happiness he brought to your life and hold it close to your heart and always remember the love. God Bless you and your family
Paula, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Jim. You were a wonderful caregiver and companion to him. May the thoughts of happier days bring you comfort in this time of sorrow. Sending my prayers and (((HUGS))) to you.
Paula I am so sorry that Jim has lost his battle with this awful disease.
My condolences to you and your family.
I feel that Jim is now Resting In Peace!
Love
Gabriele
Paula,
Please do what you have to do to deal with your grief but please don't let this cancer claim 2 lives. You can't change what happened and you will grive but you need to concentrate on the rest of your life. Being miserable, being depressed, crawling in a hole will not change anything.
Thinking of you at this time and sending thoughts and prayers.
Sharon
Paula-I'm so very sorry. Take special care of yourself at this time. Cry when you need to, rest when you need to, and drink lots of water. I'm here for you at any time. i will pm my number to you. As one who has walked this road-please let me help if I can. Our angels are looking down on us now and they are truly in a better place.
Paula:
Nothing I can say will help, but maybe knowing another of your OCF friends is praying for you at this most horrible time of your life, might help a little. Reading all the other comments from everyone has to let you know how sorry we all are for your loss. Please keep in touch with us.
julieann
Paula, I'm so sorry to hear this. Your loyalty and strength have seen you and Jim through this long and difficult journey. If I ever have to face this outcome myself, I hope I'll be able to find the courage that you have shown. My heart goes out to you both. Anne
Paula - I'm so sorry to hear of Jim's passing. I hope that in the days ahead, there will be some peaceful and soothing moments for you and comfort from family and friends.
Paula, I have been following your sory, but did not post much. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you during this difficult time. There are no words I can say to help ease the pain, but we are all here for you. Vent all you need to.
Paula,
I am so very sorry that you lost your Jim. You and your family are in my thoughts. I wish you peace and comfort.
Anita
Paula, I'm so sorry for your loss of Jim. You are a wonderful caregiver who was with Jim till the very end. What a wonderful wife you are. Sending my love to you and your family.
Wendy
I am so sorry Paula,I know words are of little consulation in your grief and wish there was something I could do to help. Please know that you and Jim are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tom
Paula -- My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You did everything humanly possible, and Jim's suffering is at an end. No matter how prepared we think we are, when the time comes it is an awful blow. Been through it with several family members, so thoughts are with you as you go through the grieving process.
Paula,
My prayer for you is that as time goes by you will find comfort in the good memories of your days with Jim.