If you want everything to pass to each other, you need a survivorship will. The one that passes 1st leaves everything to the survivor. It's legal and easy.

Thanks all. We did sit down and discuss it last night. I think it was Tuesday night I downloaded some sample wills and created my will, then went through that with her to find out her wishes. I maybe wasn't able to discuss everything I wanted to but we made it through enough, albeit tearfully.

Now my next problem. We have two dogs and Pam is wanting to adopt a third dog. Over the past couple of months, I have been able to put this off. One of the ways I have used is that I would consider fostering a shelter dog to see how it would go. Well for the past five weeks, we have been fostering rescue dogs. The first attempt was with two minature pinchers (yes, a total of four dogs) that after three weeks I forced finding another foster home for them because they were too much with Pam spending three days in the hospital with an infection. Within two days we had another foster dog. I brought up this situation to her MO at her last appointment and basically asked for a prescription stating no more dogs. The MO agreed saying that she should be using her energy and time for herself, her family and traveling if possible. At the time it sounded like Pam would take a break for awhile after this foster. Now a week later, this foster is getting adopted and Pam is talking about getting another dog, and then take a break in the winter.

My question is what do I do? I know she is enjoying taking care of these dogs, that it gives her something to get up for everyday but am worried that she is spending the last of her "healthy" time taking care of the dogs. Do I just go along with her wishes (which I am probably inclined to do) or be more blunt stating my worries that by winter she may not be up to traveling? I have suggested possible trips including Houston or New York to visit cancer centers. Her response has been that she isn't ready to check out other treatment yet, but again I am worried that she should seek other opinions while she is still strong. From reading some others experiences, it seems like once health starts to fail, it can go fairly quick.

Would appreciate anyones thoughts or suggestions. Thanks.

Hi Donna, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know since this ordeal began, Pam has asked very few questions and often times seems upset at all the questions I ask. I don't believe she has ever heard or recalls the timeframe. I know it has been mentioned by her doctors in her presence but they usually follow up with there is hope that treatment can extend this time and keep fighting. Best of luck to you in your treatment and God bless you for lending support to others.

Tom

Tom, this is a very difficult decision to make. I love my dogs very much and take great pleasure in having them. My dogs are my companions and follow me from room to room. I talk to them all the time, they make me laugh. On the other hand, they require alot of work. Its not going to be easy but I must give them up since I know very soon I wont be the owner they deserve. This breaks my heart more than most people could understand.

In your situation, it would be very difficult to have another dog. Your wife would get attached to it. It would take alot of her strength but also bring her much comfort and joy. The big picture is her health is the most important thing here. I dont know what to say to her about not getting another dog. I do agree with your reasoning. When she starts not feelign well, she cant take care of the dog and you will need to take care of her.

I wish you the best of luck with everything you both are going thru.

Thank you Christine, wish I could offer some wise advice about giving up a pet but even giving up these fosters that we had for three weeks was like ripping our hearts out. Our current foster is being adopted by Pam's sister so that should make it easier but Saturday the house will still feel empty. If it is any consolation, know that if you do not know anyone that can take your dogs, there are rescue organizations that place all dogs in homes rather than a shelter while they wait to be adopted. The volunteers that we have met have all been extremely nice and concerned for the well being of all the dogs.

Wishing you the best in your treatment and a milkbone for your dogs.

Christine! Are you sure you have to give them up? I'd think they'd be so much better off staying with their Mom, even if you can't give them their usual 150%, than sending them to live with strangers.

Christine-Are you having second thoughts about your fur babies?
Let me know if you want to keep them with you for awhile longer. I'm flexible if you want more time with them or if you want to keep the little one. I can come back at any time.

Sue

Tom,

Take it from one with tons of experience in matters like this....go with her flow. I have found the harder I resist the more determined my wife becomes and eventually I always give in so resist less and give in sooner or don't even resist at all and save both of you the hassle. Geez I sound like a beaten man.

Just a little updating and whining but figure this is the best place to vent.

Well, in the last two months (time is flying by much too quickly), we have managed to get through most of these tough topics. We have made out our wills, discussed cemetery plats, other funeral arrangements and bought Chasing Daylight. We have just received our passports and I have asked Pam to research a trip for November or December. It will be the first time she has ever been out of the country and the same for me except two visits to Tijuana while visiting California as a kid. David, I have been obeying well, trying to cave whenever possible. Thankfully, the cancer has been spreading slowly so far. About a month ago I cornered her MO worried that it had been four months since we had been told that we could be looking at ten months to a year. The MO did say that Pam is doing better than most of her patients with Pam's diagnosis. Her PET from last week came back with most areas stable with a little more uptake but that there was a new area in her lungs that came back cloudy which had previously been clear. The MO said that it was not clear if this was cancer, an infection or something else and that she would suggest going ahead with the scheduled chemo treatment of Taxotere now and do another scan before the next treatment in early October. At that time, depending on the scan would suggest possibly going with Cetumab(sp) or that there may be a couple of studies opening up. The MO has said that Pam has received as much Cisplatin as is deemed helpful and has had Taxotere, Taxol and Carboplatin in the past without too many side effects. I have tried searching the internet on trial studies but can't seem to make sense of the information given as to benefits/risks of the studies.

On the emotional side of this, Pam has been holding up well but has picked up many new characteristics. She has never been much of a shopper but now is constantly shopping either on-line or at stores for all sorts of "wierd" things. She usually seems the worst around chemo time when she is taking steroids, staying up all night making plans to remodel the house and making a "honey-do" list that would take years for me to get through. Her comment last night wa that she was going to get this place ship shape before she kicks off. I have asked her to make a list prioritizing what she would like to do from trips to things around the house but she has been hesitant to do anything other than keep adding to the list. I guess I have a couple of questions about this behavior. I guess I am having a hard time putting much energy into remodeling when I would much rather just be spending time with her, sitting around the house or traveling. I feel this time should be spent how she wants but am having a hard time believing this is it. Have others experienced this as a phase that the person with the cancer gets through or is this more of a permanent change from the treatment/circumstances?

OK, done whining,will gt back to tiling the laundry room and get ready to scrape/paint the house. Thanks for listening.

Well, Tom - your wife is doing something very similar to my husband. Instead of making me a "honey do" list, we bought a fixer upper and he remodeled it from the ground up, moved walls, a fireplace. Don't tell her or she will expand her list. I think this is their way of feeling like they are getting things done. Jim was on chemo and all kinds of pain meds, but managed to run his crew for 9 months and damn near ran them into the ground. They figured that if he could do it while taking chemo and being on crutches a lot of the tiem, then they could do it being healthy. I tried not to complain, but it was hard - it was 105 degrees in the summer and then freezing in the winter. But he got it done and we moved in in January. The house is beautiful and he seems very content and proud that he has put me in such a beautiful home so close to my job. They need a distraction, but it sure wears down the caregivers. Hang in there - Jim and Pam are about on the same track with treatment...take care of yourself.