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#5701 - 07/14/05 06:45 PM Cancer Kills Again
dansgirl Offline
Supporting Member (50+ posts)

Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Raleigh, NC
I know it has been some time since my last post. I hope this finds everyone doing well and staying positive! My husband Dan had a clear PET/CT done in April and all was clear!!!!! He has had an enlarged prostate for years, but although his PSA is still w/in normal bounds, the velocity of it's increase appeared to be a potential problem. So, on July 1st, I accompanied him for a prostate biopsy. The MD allowed me to stay in the room while the procedure was being done. They took 12 tissue samples, and it was NOT pleasant. Dan did well with it and returned to work. After work, he and I drove from NC to NY for his family reunion and to visit his mother who is 93 and in frail health herself. We returned to NC on Monday. On Tuesday, I discovered that Dan is having an affair with one of his subordinates and has left me for her. Cancer has spared Dan's life (so far anyway)but has killed my marriage. I was his sole caregiver during his illness/treatment/and recovery. I thought he was going to die at home on more than one occasion, but he somehow pulled through. But I still feel that cancer has played a huge role in this devastating event. I am crushed, not to mention humiliated and hurt beyond repair. Has anyone ever heard of something like this happening before? If so, is anyone familiar with, or have any knowledge of support groups for this type of cancer related incident?

Again, I hope everyone is doing well......each of you most certainly are, and will continue to be, in my thoughts daily.

Michelle G.

#5702 - 07/14/05 06:53 PM Re: Cancer Kills Again
Bob & Laurie Offline
Contributing Member (25+ posts)

Registered: 10/13/04
Posts: 34
Loc: St Louis
I am so very sorry to hear of your devastating news. I wish I knew the words to comfort you. You & your husband have been thru so much together & I am so sorry your marriage has suffered so greatly. Please lean on your friends & family now & let them be your caregivers. Cancer is so damn difficult in so many ways.

Please take care of yourself as best as you can,
Dx June 18, 2004, neck dissection July 1, 35 radiation txs Aug 18-Oct 7.

#5703 - 07/14/05 10:23 PM Re: Cancer Kills Again
aussieh Offline
"OCF Down Under"
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Registered: 12/25/03
Posts: 528
Loc: Australia
Dear Michelle, It is sad to hear such news after all you have been through. I'm sorry you have to manage your marriage breakup also. Sending you love and best wishes for your healing, from Helen
RHTonsil SCC Stage IV tx completed May 03

#5704 - 07/15/05 01:14 AM Re: Cancer Kills Again
oceanangel Offline

Registered: 06/16/05
Posts: 20
Loc: Australia
Oh Michelle, I am so sorry to hear this. The words ungrateful %$^&*&^ are probably going through your mind. There are probably plenty of 'theories' to explain why he would choose to do this at this time, but at the end of the day I think it hard for any one to really understand why. Even the person who did the leaving. Losing a partner through seperation still involves grieving and that can take some time, quite a long time. My husband of 12 years left my 3 years ago. He explained why, but you know, sometimes I think people make up the story to justify their actions. Oddly enough, he has phoned almost every day to see how I am holding up through the whole having the biopsy, waiting to find out if it was cancer thing. The cynic in me told my Mum that I thought that he was just checking to find out whether he was going to have to take over the rearing of four young children as a sole parent. The kinder, softer part of me said that just because someone doesn't care for someone romantically, they can still care for them as a human being. Take care of yourself. After years of caring for someone else it will be a huge change to have to take care of yourself. counselling may not solve the problem or take away the hurt, but it does provide an opportunity to talk about it as often as you need to with someone who is professionally trained to provide support and guidance and is not emotionally involved like our families and friends are.

#5705 - 07/15/05 06:51 AM Re: Cancer Kills Again
playdrv4me Offline
Contributing Member (25+ posts)

Registered: 06/23/05
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
Thats messed up...

Here Im worried because if I end up having something I have no significant other to go through it with me, besides my family, AND the girl that I thought would be there... well things didnt turn out...

Alot of people think Im crazy for saying this, and while I am thankful nothing has been found yet in my case, I had it all planned out. I was ready to fight in case something was found, and I was actually quite happy that even if it was my time to go I would have loved someone and had them love me, and otherwise my shot 22 years of life thus far had been productive, enjoyable and very full. Length of life is not so important to me as the quality of it.

And here this man who you have done so much and been there for thanks you like this?? I would agree with oceanangel and suggest counseling, if that doesnt work out, do whats right for yourself and move on, you dont deserve this.


#5706 - 07/15/05 09:49 AM Re: Cancer Kills Again
little p Offline
Gold Member (100+ posts)

Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 100
Loc: pa
I am so sorry to hear of your news. I am also very sorry you are hurting. This is a real suck thing for him to do and ungrateful doesn't even scratch the surface. Something similar happened to my friend Rod. In the worst part of his treatment after his 3rd chemo treatment his girl started her crap. He knew something was wrong when he was in the hospital and she didn't come to visit.Her friends and drinking were more important. Shortly after that she left for another man. He was very, very sick when she left. I think thats why his depression and self esteem were so bad. He didn't have teeth and was very thin, he thinks this is why she left. frown This doesn't even begin to tell you how horrible she was to him the whole time, when he was the one who took her and her three kids into his home and gave them the world. A week before his treatment started, he was putting a pool in for her kids. frown It all makes me very livid to think about. But all I can say for you now.I don't know why people do the terrible things they do to each other but they do. Maybe right now he isn't thinking clearly...who knows!Maybe he will come to realize what he's done...maybe it will be too late???? Just take care of you!And I agree with the above, couseling may do a world of good for you! Let us know how your doing! Will be thinking of you & God bless!Maureen
maureen (friend to Rod SCC tonsil diag. Mar 04 stage 4 -concurrent rad. & chemo) Finished tx July 04

#5707 - 07/15/05 11:21 AM Re: Cancer Kills Again
Carol L Offline
Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)

Registered: 01/13/04
Posts: 1116
Loc: Baltimore, Maryland
Michelle, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Take comfort in the fact that you were there for him and you did the right thing! You are in my thought and prayers, Take care and God Bless, Carol
Diagnosed May 2002 with Stage IV tongue cancer, two lymph nodes positive. Surgery to remove 1/2 tongue, neck dissection, 35 radiation treatments. 11/2007, diagnosed with cancer of soft palate, surgery 12/14/07, jaw split. 3/24/10, cancer on tongue behind flap, need petscan, surgery scheduled 4/16/10
---update passed away 8-27-11---

#5708 - 07/15/05 12:28 PM Re: Cancer Kills Again
didier Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Registered: 07/12/03
Posts: 235
Loc: Chicago
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's really disappointing. A range of emotions are experienced during an ordeal with a life threatening illness, but I can't imagine how this could happen. Life is crazy, no doubt about it. I've heard of caregivers leaving, which I can't fathom either, but this is really unfortunate. I'm sorry you've been put through so much.
Mom's caregvr. DDS failed to dx 01/03. Dx Stg IV SCC 05/03. Induct. chemo, IMRT, 5FU, H, Iressa, Neck disect, radiation. Dad's caregvr. Dx 01/04 Ext. Stg SCLC. Mets to liver/bone 08/04. Died 11/12/04. Mom tongue CA dx 06/13, hemiglossectomy (80% removed) 08/13. Clean margins and nodes, but PNI. 6/15/15: Tongue CA at base of remnant tongue. Declined further tx; hospice.

#5709 - 07/15/05 12:57 PM Re: Cancer Kills Again
Marica Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Registered: 05/13/03
Posts: 928
Loc: Georgia
You can go on with your life with your head held high and a clear concience, more than Dan can ever do !
You will never have to tell yourself, I wish I had or I should have done... you were there for him through every step of his treatment and recovery.
I wish we could put it down to Chemo Brain or some such thing but , unfortunately I do not think that is the case .
He is just one selfish, uncaring, so and so.
I am so sorry you are hurting Michelle. Hang in Girl.

Caregiver to husband Pete, Dx 4/03 SCC Base of Tongue Stage IV. Chemo /Rad no surgery. Treatment finished 8/03. Doing great!

#5710 - 07/15/05 02:34 PM Re: Cancer Kills Again
coops1939 Offline
Contributing Member (25+ posts)

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 25
Loc: Maryland, USA
(This is from Barry Cooper's wife, Gail, using his log-in)

Michelle, what a terrible thing! I had a dear friend many years ago who went through a similar situation, but SHE was the one with the cancer (breast cancer). She went through hell, recall in the 70s radical mastectomies were the norm, but she made it -- surgery, radiation, the whole works. When she was just getting on her feet, her damned husband (who was a big-time correspondent for Time magazine and managed always to be on some overseas assignment when she needed him most, thank God for her sister and Mom) left her for some young chick in his office.

She just considered it "good riddance to bad rubbish" and went on with her life. She had a great time doing it!

Gail Mackiernan

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