Hello all,

Thinking of all and sending good vibes and ommms....esp to Didier..you're a wonderful group.

I am most of a reader not a writer (I send lots of good vibes to you all everyday I hope they are helpful and healing).

I have only written a few times mostly when I guess I feel REALLY overwhelmed...so this must be one of those times...Thank you all in advance for "listening to me whine for a bit"...

John finished treatment last year...
We have gotten through the anniversaries: diagnosis, surgery, end of radiation, trach removal, and tomorrow will be the anniversary of the g-tube removal...
He can't remember the dates, but he has really been upset with me on each anniversary...
He still has pain, he can eat meats and veggies slowly w/ lots of gravy and milk, and has lost 30 lbs weight...He is AMAZING...he has worked full -time almost the entire time, he is in therapy, on anti-depression medications...he still relates really well to our daughter...mostly though he is angry and resentful of me because I haven't been able to help more...

Now he says that all he wants to do is be alone...
He feels let down and resentful that I haven't done enough to help him and he can see I'm getting tired and that makes him really angry...he feels that I'm not giving 100% and even though he admits I did give 150% percent last year...he says...it's just not enough...

An important aside is that...
When our daughter was born, I was very ill (three abdominal surgeries the week after she was born and 2 weeks in intensive care). John stayed w/ me everyday and every evening and I know that I wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been there and helped me stay calm... so that I could get the surgeons to figure out what was wrong in my stomach and fix it...which they finally did...I almost died, but John and our daughter kept me focused on life and inspired and hopeful...John really was wonderful. the two years after her birth were tough because I was sick a lot and he did a good job, but sometimes just couldn't take it and withdrew...but MOSTLY he was incredibly supportive...Then when she was three, John was diagnosed w/ T2N2 tonsilar ca...

So now I feel awful saying to help that I know he still needs 150% but I honestly don't feel I can do more...I did what all the caretakers do when he was diagnosed...got a second opinion, went to appointments and treatments (played card and even learned to do crosswords.. :-)), helped him with his trach and g-tube care, took care of our daughter (and tried to create an environment which helped her to cope with this extremely hard experience for a 3 year old) while he slept for months, worked full time, and kept most of my sanity...I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON HIM or OUR RELATIONSHIP...but honestly, I can't do more and I'm having a hard time with him wanting to withdraw so much because I am not doing enough...
And I guess, I

Oh Sara, I know what you are going through as I am in a similar situation.

Harry has been finished with treatments since May 05 and it is a daily battle here. He tells me that I am angry all of the time, that I talk down to him, treat him like crap, and he is convinced that I hate him.

He is constantly angry. Throws things around the house, curses at me and screams in my face. He even told me the other day that he made a mistake doing the treatments because I would have been better off if he were dead.

What bothers me the most is that he has said many times that he thinks that while he was sick I wasn't really here for him and he feels like I am not here for him now. The truth is that I have been there every step of the way, through the devestation of the diagnosis to the worst of the treatments.

I was the one who was there pushing him to finish when he thought he couldn't go on. I held him when he said he felt like he was dying. I took him everyday to radiation, stayed at the hospital for hours when he was in house, etc.

The thing that bothers me is that I have never been one to ever desire recognition for what I do. I have always just done these kinds of things because they feel right in my heart, however, in a desperate attempt to keep from losing my marriage I find myself trying to remind him that he never walked this path alone.

Still I often think that this is over and there is not much I can do to save it. Since we are not ripping each other to shreds I don't push the issue but I know now that there is an end to "us". I asked him last night if he was willing to try to do whatever we needed to to save our marriage, if he was willing to work on finding solutions to our problems. He told me he was thinking about it and then never really answered the question.

I know he didn't answer because he is so unhappy here that I doubt he will stay much longer. Sometimes I wonder when it will happen, what will be the trigger, if it will be a calm or nasty experience.

Everyday I wish I had our life back. THe one where we were happy to see each other, called on the phone because we were missing each other, etc. I cry almost daily, sometimes without even knowing it is coming.

You are certainly not alone. What I recognize is that cancer changes some people and not for the better. The I fight for our marriage daily and he is so willing to give up. I am no expert on why he is this way, maybe depression, maybe the near death experience has changed his view. I know the rads have done a number on his memoery which leads to terrible conflicts as I am constantly told that he never said that. I guess he thinks I just make stuff up as I go along.

I am trying to be tolerant and understanding but I am human and sometimes I fail miserably at being Mother Theresa and Harry thinks I am the devil reborn. The reality is that I am fighting a ghost and I cannot win. It is so sad that I try to keep myself busy with other things, distractions, because if I have any stop time at all my mind thinks about how bad it is and my heart aches with a terrible pain.

I don't have any answers for you and as for me, I just keep hoping that when the day comes that he leaves me, that we can at least part without the need to cause more pain than will already be. I have 2 kids 8 and 11 and this is going to be so hard for them. But they know that things aren't good now and I cry for them too.

I am sending you a bigggggg hug and I wish I had answers but I don't think that there really are any. Sometimes I think that is just the way life goes and it has been a bitter pill for me to swallow in accepting that.

Hang in there. Life will do whatever it will and you are never alone. For me it has been important that I found this place. It helps me to keep from completely falling apart.

With Love,
Cindy

Thank you Cindy,
You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your expereince...it does help to feel less alone...I really appriciate it. Your email reminded me of all the memory issues and the exhaustion and the anger (john famously threw chocolate pudding on our kitchen wall)...I hope your husband can get help and perspective...this is such a hard battle to fight and at the end to live apart from your family so sad...I will send lots of good vibes your way and lots of love, Sara

Sara,
I sure don't have a magic "pill" for this But I will tell you my opinion from the patient perspective....he needs a reality check! Yes it sucks to be him pity pity etc. But to try to tell you he needs 150% and you aren't performing? I'd say too bad now get up and start living! Just how are you supposed to make him feel better?

If I had credentials I'd say he needs a better psychiatrist. Could be depression, could be many things but for sure it IS NOT YOU !!!!! You don't need to feel bad just because he seems to want you to feel bad. From what you have said I think you have more than one baby in the house. You didn't marry a baby.

I am certain that I was not always the best to be around when I was in treatments. I am also sure that I am not "quite right" even today. But even in my worst day I would have never blamed my wife for not doing enough. I don't believe you should put up with that behavior. Lay down the law, he is the only one that can change his thinking.

Hi Sara,
When I was diagnosed two and a half years ago my husband was my lifeline. He was there for me throughout surgery, radiation, etc. I am a "silent sufferer" so find it hard to let others see me in pain, I want everyone to think all is well. So my husband had it pretty easy as far as the caretaker role was concerned. I remember when I hit a depression after treatment ended and I would have times of feeling unreasonably angry with my husband. He considered it all to be over, cancer was in the past, no more talk of it, move on. He didn't realize that I was just beginning to deal with the emotional side of it all now that physically I was beginning to improve. Of course, I didn't open my mouth and tell him this either! I went along with it and kept my feelings to myself, which created a slow burn of anger at him, as I watched him live his normal life and I still had a sore mouth, ate liquid food through a tube and felt terrified of dying every minute of the day. I kept my kids at arms length for a time thinking it would help them if they ended up losing me to cancer. The mind is a true enemy when battling cancer.
Maybe your husband is feeling some of these feelings? It sounds like your marriage was strong before all of this. I agree with Mark that he needs a reality check but I also think you should ask him if he feels resentful about something else and manifests his feelings with the silly talk of how you don't give 150% (who does?).
I talk about my cancer now with my husband. I finally just told him one day that I might die from this and it was something I needed to talk about, even if that meant keeping cancer as part of our lives, meaning his and mine, not just mine. Our marriage now is stronger then it has ever been, with a deeper level of respect and understanding.
I hope you work through this.
Minnie

Dear Sara,

You have to talk to him and tell him how you feel.
We tend to vent our anger at the ones we love the most. He may be pushing you away in an attempt to go it alone thinking it won't hurt you as much if the worst comes to pass. A big mistake on his part. This is a time when he needs to share with you how he feels deep down. It is a scary situation he is facing and may not know how to handle it.

I agree with Mark he needs a reality check big time. New medication and a psychiatrist in dealing with severe depression should be concidered.
I hope and pray that he wakes up and realizes you are his most important and loving supporter.

All my Best, Danny Boy

Sara and Cindy,

As a former patient, I have much the same reaction as the responses above. Like Minnie, I wasn't looking for a whole lot from my husband other than to be there each day to hold me when I really needed it. Sometimes I think it was hard for him to comprehend how much pain I was feeling from the radiation, but he did everything he could to help (and he let me vent when I was screaming my lungs out in frustration).

It sounds like the two of you have put everything you could into your husbands' treatment and don't deserve to get the kind of response you're getting. Frankly, if I had John and Harry here in front of me, I think I'd have three words for them -- GET OVER IT! Yes, it's a horrible disease and the treatment feels like it's draining the life out of you, but when you're on the way to recovery it's time to move on with life, and make the best use of the time you have with your friends and family.

Cathy

Thank you all for your understanding and support and mostly fo making me laugh...You are all wonderful and gave me a lot to think about and work on...I can't say thank you enough!!!
lots and lots of love and hugs..oh and did I mention good vibes and peaceful ommmmmsssss,
Sara