Hello all,
Thinking of all and sending good vibes and ommms....esp to Didier..you're a wonderful group.
I am most of a reader not a writer (I send lots of good vibes to you all everyday I hope they are helpful and healing).
I have only written a few times mostly when I guess I feel REALLY overwhelmed...so this must be one of those times...Thank you all in advance for "listening to me whine for a bit"...
John finished treatment last year...
We have gotten through the anniversaries: diagnosis, surgery, end of radiation, trach removal, and tomorrow will be the anniversary of the g-tube removal...
He can't remember the dates, but he has really been upset with me on each anniversary...
He still has pain, he can eat meats and veggies slowly w/ lots of gravy and milk, and has lost 30 lbs weight...He is AMAZING...he has worked full -time almost the entire time, he is in therapy, on anti-depression medications...he still relates really well to our daughter...mostly though he is angry and resentful of me because I haven't been able to help more...
Now he says that all he wants to do is be alone...
He feels let down and resentful that I haven't done enough to help him and he can see I'm getting tired and that makes him really angry...he feels that I'm not giving 100% and even though he admits I did give 150% percent last year...he says...it's just not enough...
An important aside is that...
When our daughter was born, I was very ill (three abdominal surgeries the week after she was born and 2 weeks in intensive care). John stayed w/ me everyday and every evening and I know that I wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been there and helped me stay calm... so that I could get the surgeons to figure out what was wrong in my stomach and fix it...which they finally did...I almost died, but John and our daughter kept me focused on life and inspired and hopeful...John really was wonderful. the two years after her birth were tough because I was sick a lot and he did a good job, but sometimes just couldn't take it and withdrew...but MOSTLY he was incredibly supportive...Then when she was three, John was diagnosed w/ T2N2 tonsilar ca...
So now I feel awful saying to help that I know he still needs 150% but I honestly don't feel I can do more...I did what all the caretakers do when he was diagnosed...got a second opinion, went to appointments and treatments (played card and even learned to do crosswords.. :-)), helped him with his trach and g-tube care, took care of our daughter (and tried to create an environment which helped her to cope with this extremely hard experience for a 3 year old) while he slept for months, worked full time, and kept most of my sanity...I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON HIM or OUR RELATIONSHIP...but honestly, I can't do more and I'm having a hard time with him wanting to withdraw so much because I am not doing enough...
And I guess, I
