I am beyond livid and sickened. Its been 24 hours and my blood is still boiling...last night I had a confrontation with my eldest brother who flew into town and graced us with his presence because it is his birthday. The evening began with an argument that had to do with the disposition of my dad's belongings, and why I still hadn't gotten rid of everything yet. My dad passed in November, and I've been busy with work and looking after my mom who is still recovering from treatment. Mind you, my brother has been town for six days and has yet to contact OR visit our mom, who incidentally has been hospitalized for the past three days. I explained my position as to why I haven't completed getting rid of our dad's things, and chastised him for not calling or visiting Mom. I also mentioned that he has no place flying into town and laying down the law about what I should or shouldn't be doing with my time. My priority is looking after my mom. I then reminded him that, not once, did he come to town (a one hour flight from where he lives) during our mother's three month treatment to visit her. His response broadsided me. He told me he didn't come to town to see her because she is a f*****g c**t. "I put up with her s*it for 40 years and I'm not going to do it anymore." I can't believe it. This guy called his 73 year old mother, who damn near died from this horrible disease, such a name...it's the poor woman's 73rd birthday tomorrow --which she will be spending in the hospital. I snapped. I scanned the table looking for a bottle that I could smash into his face...fortunately there was nothing there because I would have spoon fed the broken glass to him. I told him I felt like putting a bullet in his head. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I'm embarrassed that I blew up like that, but I am beyond disbelief that someone could say something so dispicable about their mother. I assure you, our mom was not the type of person who laid a hand on us as kids, or abused us verbally, or in any other way. I can't imagine why he could be so absolutely hateful. I can honestly say that I don't think I ever want to see this guy again. As if life isn't hard enough, I've got this gem to deal with. Well, there you have it...I've aired the dirty laundry. I'm embarrassed and disgusted, but I had to get this off my chest...its been eating me up all day. I'm probably a good candidate for the Jerry Springer show at this point.

Dear Didier
Take a deep breath!
You know that old saying "You can choose your friends but not your relatives?" I think that this is a perfect example.
Don`t be embarrassed, you have been a wonderful giving son to your parents and will NEVER have to say "I wish I had or I should have done".
Your brother sounds like a real winner.... were it me I probably WOULD have smacked him! You did really well not to.
Give your Mum a big kiss for her birthday, she is lucky to have you.

Take Care
Marica
If you can`t vent to your friends, well who???

I can honestly sympathize with the family issues. When I took my teenage son out to lunch yesterday, I had to explain to him why the grandparents aren't around much now that I am dealing with cancer. I used the expression "Well, most families aren't Norman Rockwell" My boy looked at me and said "Mom, I have no idea who this Norman Rockwell is" So, I had to explain to him (sheesh maybe I need to download the paintings)about this artist that painted these idealic families with grandma holding the turkey and all the well behaved generations sitting at the table in appreciation.

Fact of the matter is that most people have baggage. My children do not see me stomping about in anger over our currently estranged relatives, but I have taken the time to explain to them that in particular my own parents, specifically went against my wishes and started babbling on and on for five months about the intimate details of my treatment, what I was dealing with and extremely private stuff that I told them over and over I did not want getting out to the "crazy aunt" with religion issues. Come to find out, the "crazy aunt" probably knew more than I did, as she was getting detailed reports. The last thing I wanted as a cancer patient was to be the subject of gossip at the potlucks, and somehow that is what I became.

It is one of the many reasons I selected this horrible moniker of "Brainstorker" instead of a more familiar one, just to hide from family members.

I can certainly understand the Jerry Springer reference as well. My spouse convinced me, probably against my better judgment, that I keep my parents informed. One would "think" that a diagnosis of a life threatening illness would make people pull together or behave better, but that isn't the case. I feel somewhat in the clear because I did give these people a chance. It is somewhat unfortunate that my having Stage Iv cancer, was simply their opportunity to become some sort of pity party of their own making. For the record, their explanation for going against my wishes was that I "was their child" and they could do whatever they wanted with my information. At 43 years of age at the present time, I felt the need to correct that with "no, I am your ADULT child, and I have a right to my privacy"

All I can say is that I realize you have a full plate and these other issues just make it worse. One never knows what goes through people's heads half the time and how does one explain it?

My parents, I'm sure are waiting to either hear word that I am dead (so they can email and phone everybody without any interference on my privacy issues) or waiting for me to fill them in again with my most intimate details of my life (which I have think I have learned a lesson from the first go round)

The only coping skill that works for me is to stay away from all that give me angst. It is really kind of sad that this includes most of the extended family, but I am concentrating on spending quality time with my children. I consider relatives that have their own agenda to work in regards to my having cancer to be "toxic" to my recovery.

Don't allow it to "eat you up" I know it's hard, but the anger does disolve over time. Since the cancer diagnosis, I've realized exactly how short life can be. I am resolved to live it forward without allowing someone else's baggage attached to it.

Even if my life is going to be short, I'm giving myself the opportunity to ENJOY what I can of it and not be "beholden" to what others want me to dance to. Now if I can only find some Norman Rockwell paintings. This almost reminds me of trying to explain to my children what it was like to "DIAL" the phone instead of pushing touch tone buttons and "life before cable"

Jen

Thanks Marcia and Jen. I had to take a valium to calm down last night, and even today my heart is still racing a little faster than usual. Fortunately I have a wonderful wife, and friends on this forum who help me in my many times of need. I am going to take that deep breath, walk to the lakefront and watch the fireworks that they display every Saturday here in Chicago. That will be a nice diversion.

didier, I don't often tell this, or even think about it for that matter, but I have a sister who was raised right along with me, no difference, and she was, from the beginning, a truly horrible person. I once theorized that she was switched at birth at the hospital. There was a startlingly similar situation when I was caring for our mother who was dying, and she flew in, at the request of our dad, and spent all of 15 minutes with her. I can remember how very upset I was at the time. It was not easy, but I eventually completely detached emotionally. You may have to work on doing that, because as I realized, I cannot change another person to be what is acceptable in my world, so I had to let that person go.

In a little pop psychology 101, it may be that your brother resents you for being the "good" son, taking care of your parents. This is not logical, but I am pretty sure that is what was going on in my family. When my dad was terminally ill, she didn't bother to show up at all. Which was probably for the best.

I can empathize with you, didier, and also assure you that time will heal this. I am glad you are not in jail (grin).

This must be more common than I would have imagined. When my husband's 85 year old mother died 14 months ago (8 months before he was diagnosed with cancer) my husband flew from Florida to California to stay with her for several weeks post-surgery (brain cancer) and then we both returned a few months later when the caregivers told us she was dying so we could be with her and his father. His younger brother who lives 2 hours away way drove over every weekend and made all the arrangements for a live-in caregiver and handled all the emergency situations and doctors visits when my husband wasn't there. His older brother and wife (also 2 hours away) managed to visit once during her illness for about 2 hours. Their 2 20-22 year old children never visited. We were with her when she died and it was after we called everyone that the older brother managed to show up. The younger brother and family came and stayed at his parent's home with us through the funeral services. The older brother and family showed up for the service. When my husband's father died in June, we had a repeat performance except this time was husband was going through cancer treatment himself and we couldn't travel back to CA. Again, the younger brother handled everything, moved his father to a nursing home in his town and saw him every day and stayed with him at the very end. The older brother showed up about 3 times for 30 minutes the whole year he was in the nursing home. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, the younger brother called constantly to see how he was doing. The older brother waited about 2 months after we told him the news to make a call. The really odd thing to me was that before the parent's got sick, the older brother and his family appeared to be fairly close to his parents. So, you never know how people are going to react - but you sure learn a lot about people when you're going through something like this.

We are dealing with a little bit different situation here. John's last rad. tx was 7 days ago. Since then he had spent about 98% of the time sleeping. Our son comes by 2 or more times a day, and questions me "is this normal?' "Why is he still in bed?" "Shouldn't you take him to our family Doc?" and our daughter in law comes over with our adorable, rambumtious 15 mo. old grandaughter to make John feel better.While I know they are wellmeaning, I am resentful that they have not taken the time to educate themselves as to the treatment and after effects.Our 14 yr. old grandson went with us and watched one of John's rad tx,[says he might use the experience for a science project next yr.]. Our son never asked to go with his Dad. I am defending myself for not calling or running John to the Dr. everyday and all John wants to do is to be left alone to rest.I know they care and I am very appreciative of that, but I am beginning to feel like a policeman as well as a caregiver.Hard choices all the way around. Amy

Amy...

you are a true hero for being there for John.

HE knows that and that's what matters.

Just know that everyone deal's with this disease differently, we all process the emotions and the realities in a different way.

Maybe your Son is giving you a hard time as his way of dealing with it...

Invite them to visit this board to get some more information and support.

Good luck in your journey.

- Michael

Thank you, Michael,for the kind words. I'm afraid these kids are more into being observers than learners. And they have their own life to deal with. Such is life. Amy

Didier,

I too can relate to your anger. When my sister was fighting her cancer, we had several "though to be close" family members who did not even bother to call or see her. One family member actually came to the hospital (it was the only she ever came to see Kim) and Kim literally thought she was about to die. It was horrible.

I know the anger you are feeling. I still feel it everyday. It makes me sick to my stomach and I cannot bring myself to even look at or acknowledge the family who deserted Kim.

Just know that although he is your brother and your mother's son, she is better off without him there. If he has these negative feelings toward your mom, you don't want him around her at her most vulnerable moments.

Give your mom a huge hug and tell her you love her. She is blessed to have such a wonderful son. Unfortunately you can't do anything about your brother.

God Bless you and your mother.