Angelia, ask for the antidepressants. You are going through a tough ordeal/nightmare and you need all the help you can get. They won't make you dance but can help take the edge off and maybe give you a little more energy to deal with this. Unfortunately, they don't work right away.
Also, ask about ativan to take the edge off the anxiety. Small doses work wonders.
One day at a time and just keep looking at your little boys.
Nancy

You guys are so amazing. As I sit crying my eyes out cause I feel like crap, you can still make me smile. My husband and my little boys are what keep me going. I do not to tell you all a funny about my 5 year old. We were at church last Wednesday night and I went to pick up the boys from their Bible Study and Andrew yelled as loud as he could "My mommy has a tube in her belly." I still smile when I think about that. They are so innocent and young I love them to pieces. I think what hurts the most is knowing that these boys are going to have to watch mommy go through this.

Angelia,
I would think that darvocet is not nearly strong enough for the kind of throat pain caused by radiation. I was put on a fentanyl patch and stayed on fentanyl patches for a while even after radiation was over. There is no need to sit around in pain and I suggest that you speak to your doctors about it.
Also, I know that you have heard it before, but, for me, once I could no longer swallow, the feeding tube was a lifesaver.

I became very depressed once the radiation treatments ended, not during them when I was busy going to the hospital twice a day.
The social worker at MDACC turned me on to free cancer counseling offered by a local group called Cancer Cares. I met with a psychologist only once, but the social worker also recommended a men's cancer support group, which I attended once a week for a while. (Unfortunately, most men's group seem to be populated by mostly prostate cancer guys and most women's groups consist of mostly breast cancer patients, but it still was comforting even though no one else had the same issues as I : swallowing.)
Anyway, as time passed by and I started taking a nice 2 mile walk every day and keeping a little busy by running a couple of errands every day or stopping by the office, and in a couple of weeks, my outlook started to really improve. Once you can see a little light and realize that you really do have a future, things get sunnier. I did not take anti-depressants but I would have taken them in a second if I thought that I needed them.
I wish that the medical marijuana movement had progressed more when I was in treatment in 2002...I would have been all over it.

Take care and good luck.

Danny G.

Angelia,

I've found that my boys, 5 & 9, who were 3 & 7 when I was diagnosed, have been extremely resiliant. My oldest, who is naturally more sensative then my youngest, did have a hard time with the diagnosis.

A year before I was diagnosed, his great grandma, who he was very close to, died of cancer. The hardest thing I've ever done was tell him I had cancer. I looked across from his big brown eyes, filled with tears as he said, "Daddy, I don't want you to die!"

We got him into counceling and have been very upfront and honest with him through the whole process. In fact, last week when I got back home from another facial surgery, fresh with nasty scars and swelling, he looked at me and said "Dad, you are so brave. I'm proud of you." What a kid.

As I've said before, use it to see you through the really tough times, and if you need a little chemical assistance, don't you dare feel bad about it. Do what you need to do for you to get through this.

Eric

WOW, our stories could almost match. My boys are 7 and 5. About one year before my initial diagnosis their great grandmother also died of cancer. I do not believe I ever told the boys that she had cancer, but did tell them that she was sick. My 7 year old is doing better, but has been internalizing everything. My 5 year old just loves life, and not much ever phases him.
Eric, I tried to send you a PM, but it said you were not accepting them.

Angelia....I know what you mean about crying and the people here making you smile. And man...being up that early/late however you look at it really stinks. I was up all night on Thursday and it was terrible. Lucky for me WendyG was on because she is on the other side of the world!! We will be here everyday, every moment you need something. There are tons of people here who care about you and are rooting for you.

I'm sorry your throat hurts...are you still swallowing? I know that is important. I always found the pain meds put me to sleep. I could sleep FOREVER. I think I slept for a month straight after my last surgery...lol Ask your doc about different meds until something works for you. I would imagine you can't see a therapist during treatment...just too much talking. However, I highly suggest looking into in after your treatment. I can't tell you how much it helped me. I'm actually going back to mine b/c I've been having some depression issues too. Always remember you are not alone in this.

I love the story about your son....kids are so funny. They just say what they are thinking and he thinks your PEG is cool!! I'm sure that will stay in your memory bank:)

I'm all for medical marijuana. It's probably one of the best drugs out there and I think since they are starting to use it in the medical community hopefully we will start seeing more of it.

Charm...I'm sorry to hear about your brother...that is sad. I'm happy they made him comfortable.

Suzanne,
I do see a psychologist, been seeing one since June. If nothing else it is nice to have someone to talk to on a weekly basis that is on the outside of the whole situation and can help me make sense of it all.

Howdy all,

I'm ending week six tomorrow. My last IMRT tx is Dec 15th. I sleep okay, have mild/moderate fatigue, I haven't used any pain meds yet (percocet and Magic mouthwash). I've lost about 10 pounds since the start (at 178 now) although I think it's mostly muscle shrinkage as I still have a little bit of a pouch.

I have really forced myself (stubborn german that I am) to stay hydrated and Carnation VHC fed. I've also kept my mouth very clean, brushing often, fluoride trays, VERY CAREFUL floss every few days, salt/baking soda water gargle 3-5 times a day which helps my throat when it starts barking at me.

I make myself walk every day for about 20-30 minutes. Before each Rad tx (this is where I go off the reservation) I was slowly eating organic honey and sloshing it around my mouth 15 min before and after radiation. This until the 4th week when the honey stung my throat so bad it brought me shaking to my knees.

Also picked up zen meditation although I am still only working on observing my breathing (concentration technique).

I'm posting this for two reasons:

1) A statistical data point. Maybe this provides insight or a clue for others. I went to a 2nd opinion Otolaryngologist in DC and she was shocked at how well I was handling tx. She reassured me--looking at the rad marks on my head and neck--that the treatment field looks great.

I asked her is it something that I was doing that maybe others can learn from, she said "Quite frankly, no, it's luck." I'm posting what I've done anyway in case it helps others.

2) So that new C-fighters who are reviewing these posts can know that they may not necessarily have too horrible a time.

DavidCPA was invaluable in letting me know that about 20% of people going through tx may not suffer too badly. Thanks to him, I DID brace myself for the worst. I also determined to try to do everything to make the crapstorm hit me as late in tx as possible.

Not that it's a picnic. I DO have mucositis back near the R tonsil area. No taste sense, sore neck, skin peeling on my neck a little, church bell sized tinitis in my ears, partial (very high-end as of now) hearing loss.

I hope this helps in some way.

That's good to hear Angelia...I'm happy you have someone to talk to:)

Howdy Joel

I'm with your ENT that you were lucky. Good for you. It is important that posters see the wide spectrum of suffering from Cancer TX, ranging from annoying to devastating. Expecting the BEST but preparing for the WORST is a good strategy. Congratulations on your progress.
PS. I couldn't help but notice you opted for the PEG three weeks into treatment, so that indicates to me that it could not have been as easy as it sounds. I'd say more but that's a sensitive subject here on OCF.
Charm