The past year has been one that I would gladly leave behind. It's been a struggle, one that we're all familiar with..the surgery, healing and then radiation and healing all over again.

I had been thinking that I was finally going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Despite some lingering problems that I felt were surmountable, I'm ready to go back to work. More importantly, I NEED to go back to work for some closure.

My entire career (thirty plus years) has revolved around managing what I believe is the worlds finest International airport. Yes, I recognize that is a grandiose claim,, but I am proud of our facility and my time there. Retirement was in the not too distant future; date and time to be decided by ME.

After I was diagnosed, it became a significant goal for me to regain my health to a point where I could do my job again, without compromise or accomodation. That would bring my journey full circle...health to cancer, and back to health again. Retirement would soon follow, but I would know that I was healthy enough to do my job again.

I lost that dream today. My Doctors firmly put an end to it...the disability I was left with ( severe drop foot due to the fibula removal) is too severe for me to ever return to work.

I am trying to keep perspective on this. I am cancer free, thank God. I am able to eat without a tube, and I can do most everything I did before cancer, except walk the way I used to. All told, a hugely successful journey, and outcome. One would think that early retirement would be icing on the cake...I wish it felt more like that.

I'm sure that I'm making more of this than it deserves. I'm afraid it's left me badly bummed out. This was not part of the plan!

Rant over
Wayne

This disease has not diminished you one iota. It has changed you. It has left you traumatized. But you are not handicapped!

Think Stephen Hawkins...

Andrea

Wayne to be able to feel good about your accomplishments is an admirable trait. You should be very proud of all you have accomplished. People who retire healthy still miss not working and clamor for something to take up their time. I am sure you will find something that will get your juices flowing again. Perhaps you can be a motivational speaker.
For myself idle time was my worst enemy. I found depression is harder to cling to a moving target.
Congrats on all of your accomplishments and to an exciting future.
Mark D.

Wayne,

We all go through crap with this cancer, both physically and mentally and some of us really have it worse than others. I was comparatively lucky (so far) in that I didn't have to have surgery so I'm not the best one to talk to you about the challenge you have been left with.

That said, I'm also not one to keep my mouth shut either so here goes....why would drop foot or any disability prevent you from managing an airport that you clearly enjoy?

When the going gets tough...

Wayne, you are NOT making too much of this. This monster takes more from us than just tissue, as we all know. I can see that for you your work was pretty definitive of who you are. Your talents and your personality were all invested there, and, obviously, very successfully. To lose this part of your life, is almost like losing a part of yourself. Also, I find that often, high achievers like you have not developed interests outside their work, ----I don't know if this applies to you or not---but that adds to the bereft feeling when the work disappears, for one reason or another, even a planned retirement.

You are obviously a brilliant guy, and if, indeed, you don't go back to the airport position, you WILL find another, perhaps even more rewarding, place to invest yourself. With the talent you have, you WILL begin that search immediately. Lucky the people upon whom your decision falls!!

You might first, though....as David said.....pursue the airport position a bit more. If the airport administrative decision-makers are not the ones saying that you can't return, and if the doctors are saying that your foot-drop is the primary problem, and nothing that affects your overall health, then get an expensive motorized personal transporter device, tie a flag on it, and show them that you can get around that airport better than ever!

If, indeed, you truly can't make it back to the airport now, I hope that you'll be on the lookout for depression as you adjust to the "new normal." I hope you'll use that good brain to realize that such a loss is a very real loss and a very real cause for grieving, and have a visit or two with a counselor who will walk with you through the transition.

This makes me mad!!! You have been through hell, and I feel that part of what helped you to get through it has been the expection....the goal...of returning to the work that you love and are so talented at.

You have made it through this terrible year....and you will make it through this loss too, if indeed you are forced to retire. The same determination that got you through your health issues will work for you here, after you get adjusted to the idea.

Please keep us posted on what you decide to do. Maybe this would be a good time to make good use of the time and do something that you have not been able to do because of work and health issues.

.and if you want to rant again.....don't hesitate. We're good listeners!!!!!!!

My biggest problem is that I have is that as a "hands on" operational manager, I have nearly 2 million sq ft of floorspace, and a 5000 acre airfield to get around, sometimes quickly. I also have 4 flights of stairs from the highest level of elevator service, just to get to my office (a functional necessity and not just because I love the view).

Realistically, they're right; I can't do the job any longer. At least, I can't do it anywhere near to the same level, and that would make me miserable.

I'm saddened by that. I will get over it and get on with it. It's not like I have nothing to do; I started a Segway dealership a couple of years ago as a pre-retirement plan, and it's booming. I quess it's time to spend my days there and not worry about aviation as much, right?
Wayne

Thank goodness you have the Segway dealership to throw yourself into! What a brilliant piece of foresight!

Foot drop...Were you warned that that might be a result of harvesting the fibula? It has been suggested that I consider maxillary reconstruction with the same procedure. I'm more than a little bit hesitant. It seems like a really major surgery. In your case, I suppose that you had no option. With the upper jaw, I have a semi-satisfactory solution to the loss of the bone in that I must now wear an obturator to fill the opening created by removal of the maxilla and part of the hard palate.

Reconstruction could close that opening with skin and muscle, and then provide a bony jaw for support of some sort of bridge, or even, possibly, permanent implants.

I would love to snap my fingers and have this end result. I am just not sure how to voluntarily commit to such a huge surgery, when I am doing ok with the obturator. I do hate it, though, and without it I can neither eat nor converse.

Wayne, Want to wish you the best with your future career. I'm sure you are saddened by the loss of your job, we all would be. I keep waiting till I can physically go back to work (hoping next month) so it will seem like life is what it used to be. But, I realize it never will be the same. Like people here say, this is the new "norm". We all have to adjust to the differences this disease has led us to. All of us (even the caretakers) are such strong people. You have overcome the surgery, treatment, etc. I'm sure in time you will overcome this change. And be great and strong in whatever you choose to do. Wishing you only the best. Linda

Look at it this way -- You were "downsized" against your will, but instead of the usual corporate bottom-line forcing the downsizing, it was the cancer -- Many people recover from downsizing and find from looking back that what happened was that they were forced out of a rut into a new phase of their life, be it working or not, and their life was better for it!

Wayne,

I agree with your statement of keeping things in perspective. You are cancer free! Count the many blessings in your life and hold them dearly. You are doing better than others who could not return to their job, you have another income to fall back on, most did not. Be proud of all you've done and the effort you gave to making the finest IAP in the world.

I served my country for 24 years and am proud to be part of the finest Air Force in the world, but they are currently reviewing my records and will decide whether I can continue to serve or not. I wanted to decide my retirement date too.

I try not to get too bummed, because I'm alive, cancer free (right now) and have more time to spend with my 7yr old best friend and wife. I have no idea how we will make ends meet if the Air Force tells me to retire now. I guess we'll have to deal with it through the grace of God, like we did this cancer.

The way I see it we are blessed, this could have been much much worse for us. I hope I didn't offend you, I understand how you feel.

Tim