Moved by OCF from the end of another message thread. Please remember to start a new topic when you are posting a new idea or people may not find your post. originally posted August 06, 2002 06:12 PM

I hesitated in replying to your post because there just isn't any answer to your question Why. Just want to say that whether people here reply to you or not, anyone who has read your message will have you and your sister and family in their prayers. I know you will somehow find the strength to comfort your sister.

I also kept looking at your post, waiting for someone to reply....as Sandra said, sometimes, it`s hard to find words to say, and some questions never get answered...to watch a loved one suffer and not be able to help is truly awful..........please believe you and yours are in many of our prayers

Sandra, I know this is a very hard time for you and your family. In the last year I watched my best friend of 30 years die of Ovarian Cancer. One book I found very helpful was Final Gifts, Undetstanding the special awareness, needs and communications of the dying, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. You and your sister will be in my prayers. Anne.

Reen.........I am just so very sorry to hear of your sisters terminal cancer. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to help you out of what must seem a desperate situation, but I don't. If you have time, or if you even can, read Kubler-Rosses book on Death and Dying. That may give you some idea as to what to expect with reguards to the stages of death and maybe even some comfort. Perhaps a support group.....I don't know what to say.....
I guess if it were me, I'd park my butt at my sister's side if I could and just enjoy the last months she has left. I make her feel wanted and loved and I'd do anything in my power to make her comfortable. I'd talk to her, hold her hand and feed her chicken noodle soup if that is what she wanted. I'd even crawl right into the bed next to her and just be there. Good experiences can and do evolve from something bad happening. Although you don't see that right now perhaps this will be one of those times. I hope so. You will be in my thoughts thats for sure! I wish you the best of luck......make this time count! SIncerely Donna

You go Donna, that`s the best advice in the world...just be there for her and with her.......treasure every moment, all the books in the world on the subject will tell you the same thing! Just be present there with her.......I know it`s beyond hard right now, but the gift of sharing yourself with your is a treasure.....prayers to you and yours

Reen,

My sister is 61 and also has been told she has 6 months. It is very hard to understand that someone who was full of life has this pain patch and has to take so much medication tofunction. I live in another state but am making frequent trips to spend time. Do enjoy this time and cherish every moment. This weekend we are going to stay beside a lake and celbrate her birthday. Give your sister lots of hugs and just be there. I'll be thinking of you and your sister.

Hi Reen. I know you post is several months old but I wanted to check in on you to see how you and your sister is doing.

My husband was diagnosed with tongue cancer in October, 2002. He has had the same treatment that your sister has except they only removed 1/2 of his tongue and did not rebuild it. It has been 1 month since his last radiation treatment and last night he found what appears to be cancer coming through farther back on his tongue than they operated on. He is 36 years old. I am very scared. He just went to the Dr. on Friday and he didn't see it-I'm so upset!!!

I can't sleep, can't eat. They've already told us if it comes back that they're not really any effective treatment options available. I am trying to convince myself that it's something else not the cancer but, throughout the surgery, radiation treatment and recovery, he hasn't felt any better-just worse.

Well anyways, good or bad I wanted to check in on you. My husband is calling the Rad Onc first thing Monday morning to have him take a look at it.

Take care,
Judy B

Hello Reen,
I agree with JudyB. I'm sure everyone would appreciate an update on your sister. And we're all hoping it is a good one. More than one person has beat the odds and proven the docs wrong.

JudyB,

Please don't panic. If he was just seen by the dr. on Fri, it is probably not cancer that your husband is seeing in his mouth now. After only 1 month out from RAD, it could simply be a mouth sore from the radiation. Or it could be an infection, possibly candida.

About your husband not feeling well yet, it usually takes longer than a month to feel good. Radiation is very toxic to one's body. It takes a lot of healing. Generally, it takes about 1 month for each week of RAD. So, 6 weeks of radiation treatments equals 6 months of recovery time. That doesn't mean he won't start to feel better soon, but there will probably be more bad days than good for awhile yet.

My daughter is more than 2 months out from her last RAD treatment and she still is experiencing problems and feeling pretty bad. Her surgeon, however, says she is doing fine. It just takes time, and it takes longer for some than for others.

Good luck with the appt. And be sure to update us.
Rosie

Thank you Rosie for the reply. Both the Oncologist and the ENT said it's either a radiation sore or it's possible that it's cancer again. At this point though, it's too early to run tests. He goes back to the ENT on April 7th. The ENT said if it is a radiation sore, it'll be gone by then. My husband refuses to look in his mouth to check it and won't let me look at it either because he doesn't want to think about it until he goes back to the ENT.

It's been 2 months now since his Radiation treatment ended. The ENT said the good news is that the Radiation stays in your system longer than the treatments so if it is cancer, the Radiation should be fighting it.

Needless to say, I'm still on pins & needles until he goes back. He feels progressively worse each day rather than feeling better. My husband is a 36 year old very healthy otherwise, strong man. It kills me to see him in this condition!

I will let you know what happens at the ENT. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. God I hope it's just a Radiation sore!!!

JudyB

Hi to both Reen and JudyB,

First Reen, I hope to hear an update from you.
Take care...

JudyB,
I have some thoughts on the fear thing I hope helps. I can't say that I have beaten the fear entirely for myself but I at least reconize the problem I have with "awfulizing" (my own word) that is letting my mind consider the worst possible outcome and then dwelling on it to the point of lost sleep and worse.

First, fear and worry gains you nothing.

Second, You can always imagine something to be worse than it really is. (this is where I excell.)

It often takes me awhile to push my mind back to a place of relative calm when a wave of awfulizing hits. I do it with prayer and by meditation. I don't want to get deep into faith right now but it has been a great comfort for me, the meditation is an effort to train my thinking to be slower, to see the good and live in the moment (don't think ahead so far), to realize all things have a purpose even this cancer. The process you are living (cancer) is part of your life and the total event will make you and your husband stronger. Ultimately you will probably find many aspects of this event to be very good. Life changing but good. (I hope this comes across as helpfull and not wacko) It is hard for me to type what I have been through (with my wife and 3 kids)over the last 2 years.

May I also say I'll pray for you and your husband. I personally had several moments of severe worry that "it" was back in every case I was wrong. Even Dr's can be wrong and if you get bad news get other opinions. Search out different Dr's even if it means traveling a ways away. If your Doc is any good he/she will help you. There is always hope. I know of a book you should get, (actually a few) but since I don't know if posting the titles is ok with the rules I won't put it here. If someone says it's OK I'll post it later.

For now take care and I want to hear about the outcome of your April 7th check.

I just recently lost my Mom in January. They told her she has 2 weeks to 2 months & it really ended up being 2 days. PLEASE spend as much time s possible with your sister - have NO REGRETS!!! Talk about everything from her wishes to your childhood. Cherish every moment you have. I cannot express that enough. Also, know that she loves you. I am crying just reading your post because it is all so fresh, I had the experience where I wish I could have said more even though I was with my Mom all the time. She was only 62 years old. Much to young in my opinion. Please keep us posted & don't be afraid to show your emotions in front of your sister, it's amazing how a good cry together can be SO helpful. You & your sister are in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope your sister will be fine. I lost my mom last December just before Christmas. It had spread to her neck area. She had cancer of the tongue and had about 1/2 removed and a neck dissection w/radation. On death's door they wanted to do Chemo, but she passed away because it spread to her neck and she couldn' breathe any longer and was then on a reciperator for 2 days.
Hang in there and enjoy your moments w/her. We are all praying for you and your sister.