This may sound strange,, but I do not believe the enormity of what has happened to me has sunk in yet.

I am also suffering of a rare immune disorder called Dermatomysotis (DM for short). It was the trigger to find the cancer. DM affects the proximal muscles as I have lost my ability to walk upstairs, can no longer drive, need a wheelchair to go out in public, etc.

So the cancer diagnosis sort of "fell into place", and the doctors did what they "are trained to do". am now waiting for the follow-ups.

The radiation treatment was awful (the medieval mask), and the Eubirox affected me tremendously with the acne like rash. But all in all it sort of went as predicted. I am now dealing with the mucous and PEG side effects that everyne talks about.

Having been forced to stop working (I am on disability) my connection to the world sort of "ended". I spend the days lookig for a way to stay busy, and frankly I am getting depressed (I have sought professional help).

All professionals tell me that once the cancer is dealt with, with a LOT of physsicasl therapy, the effects of the DM can be reduced. But the effort I know I have in front of me on this front scares me.

I am BLESSED with a care giver wife who has been a rock, and a daughter who is developmentally challenged but also rose to the occasion to help in the 33 trips to the radiation hospital.

But I now am asking myself why I don't feel some further elation or fear over what the cancer could have caused.

Am I a loonie? Or is it the fact that my DM issues are still ahead and I do not know better?

Charlie- It's almost like a letdown emotion takes hold after treatment has ended. Although nobody wants to go through radiation, you still have to be somewhere everyday and interact with people. I took my husband for treatment everyday for 7 weeks and developed friendships with people who were in the same boat. When the rads were over we still went almost every week for chemo and we had great chemo nurses who I still miss. I hope that once physical therapy starts you will be able to interact with people again.

Sue

I didn't experience any enlightenment or epiphanies at the end of my treatments, just minorly glad that I could get on with my new life. No sense in worrying about what I can't change.

I experienced some depression, but was already taking ADs, so we just upped the dose and I did see a therapist to learn so extra skills in dealing with it.

Looking at the bright side, cancer treatments are very effective diets!

i think you sound normal. i think for many you go thru a period of time figuring out how to deal with the changes life has handed you and you are not quite sure what they are yet - at least the long term ones ... and you kind of wonder if this is it or what will i face next ... it feels like a long black tunnel for a bit and takes a while for the fog to clear.

you have made it this far and you will continue on and do well .. just don't push yourself to feel what is not there yet l.. it will come. just push yourself to maintain your health and continue forward.

it is great you have a good support team - that shows there is a lot of love to live for, so you will do well and if you feel you need help in coping then definitely ask for it.

sounds like you are well on your way though and what you are experiencing is normal.

Depression is normal at the end of treatment, and there are volumes written in various threads about that whole topic. Good for you in seeking professional help, as your situation is obviously exacerbated by the DM and the resulting limitations on your movements.

In terms of what is facing you, it is like the old joke about "How do you eat an elephant?" A:"One bite at a time."

We don't recover from this ordeal in one moment of enlightenment and wellness. It is a process -- two steps forward, one step back, just like many other things in life. If we attack it one day at a time, it is doable, and it is amazing the strength we can find.

Hang in there and keep posting!!

We all felt a let down post Tx and many consulted professionals to deal with it so no you are not abnormal. I have always said that the mental aspect of our cancer (perhaps all cancer) is at least 50% of the battle. IMO with all your dealing with it's great that you are posting here and not banging your head against that proverbial wall.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It helps to be reminded that these things take time to heal. Everyone's posts above remind me that the process of finding a "new normal" is slow. It is difficult to accept that for someone who is a Type A+ so the more it is repeated the likelier it is to sink in.

Again, many thanks to all.

Charlie,

I think I understand what you are saying. I too feel a little too complacent with what has just happened to me. I also feel a little like a super hero. Now that all is said and done and it is the healing process I just feel wierd. Take care Charlie and continue to feel blessed to have your wife and daughter and any other support.

I agree with David. The mental part is very hard and not discussed buy the surgeons at all. I have been dealing with anxiety and am starting to feel better.

I'm so happy to hear you have a good support system. I do too and it makes our lives so much easier. I often think it's easier to the patient.

Stay strong and take it one day at a time. It always has a way of getting better.

That's one reason why a CCC is better than a single guy with a knife -- Other people are there to consider your problems and deal with them.