In response to news about about my mother's cancer, occasionally I am asked if she smoked. (I'm certain this is a common occurance with other head and neck and lung cancer patients.)

Everyone these days is aware of the hazards of smoking, but many, many factors contribute to causing cancer. My family is wrestling with the news of my mother's cancer, the treatment and the inevitable outcome... to hear the question about smoking, as if that assigns blame or minimizes the severity of the diagnosis; well, it just sort of ticks me off.
I suppose I look at is as medical professionals deserve to know a person's history, but not nosey co-workers and acquaintances! Not sure why the question offends me, but it certainly does.

Simply, my question is this: what is an easy response to this question, without erupting on the inquirer?

I can't count the number of times that I have been asked this question. Close friends and family, of course, knew that I hadn't smoked since I was 18 years old.

As difficult as it is, you have to get past being offended and just answer the question. You could use that time as an opportunity to educate the person as to the many causes of oral cancer as well as the fact that there are times when there is no known cause, such as mine.

Or simply just say yes or no. Leave it at that and then see what they say.

I hope your mom continues to well.

Jerry

My take is that people ask this to find a reason why people get cancer and reassure themselves that it could not happen to them.


M

I agree with Markus. When they ask me and I give the negative reply the looks of astonishment (WHAT?!?!?!) are always there. I believe that it is at that time they feel that they are also vulnerable.

From my experience the did he/she smoke is usually a question a non-smoker will ask.

But my typical answer is just plain, no.

There was an article that I read not too long ago about how underfunded research into lung cancer is and how many patients are ashamed to admit they have it, or feel that they're to blame for it - or something to that effect. (I should try to Google it!) But I think Markus has it right. Its a subtle way that people have to reassure themselves that it won't happen to them.

Mind you, I've never smoked in my life, other than a few when I was 10 or 12 cuz it was cool and when I tell people that they do squirm a little bit.

I agree with Markus, plus I have yet to have a smoker ask if I smoked -- They just don't want to know...

On the other side...When I was told I had SCC I was also told it was caused by a lifetime of heavy smoking and drinking. Since I was a light smoker for a short period in my life and had quit 35 yrs prior to cancer I was ashamed to tell people. Imagine, I had been on a 35 year crusade to convince people to stop smoking because of health reasons and I have to tell them I had cancer due to smoking. Not a conversation I wanted to have.

When I told my doctors that it couldn't be caused by smoking they just looked at me and said "well, what difference does it make, you still got the cancer and the treatment is the same." Well it did make a difference to me. Luckily I found this site and luckily I tested positive for HPV so it validated my reasons for quiting. (Yeah I know...I still got the cancer but hey nobody was there x number of years ago to warn me about HPV, not that that would have done any good, but I digress.)

Now that was 2 years ago and today more non smokers are told about the possibilities of the HPV connection but there still are some who never smoked that test negative for HPV. Perhaps there's another virus yet discovered?

I don't know whether your Mom smoked or not but if she did it might be the perfect time to remind those that ask, that her doctors contribute her cancer to her tobacco use. JM2C's

People continue to baffle me. I have had several people comment on my smoking and not very politely either. Basically you brought this on yourself. Made me feel smaller than small. I wish they would know that I am already hard on myself with this. My doctor said this is emphatically why I have cancer. I have no idea about the HPV virus I still have yet to check that one out but figure why bother cause it was smoking that caused mine.

Until I met one lady who put it so I didn't beat myself up over it anymore. Her comments true or otherwise they certainly made me feel better. Something about we all have cancer in us and if the stars align properly and god willing we will not get cancer. She compared cancer to a twister hits some and misses others. Smoking may have been a contributing factor but she said that was the past and now is now.

I agree with Jerry and just say yes or no and leave it at that!!

My best wishes to your mom also...She is lucky to have a daughter so protective and loving..

Well, thanks to everyone for their insight.

To be fair, I am riding a perpetual roller coaster of emotions and it seems the simplest of questions can tip me off.

I realize people have an inherent need to quantify their decisions in light of awful things happening around them. Yes she smoked, probably because everyone she knew smoked, including doctors. Do I wish she hadn't smoked? Of course, because maybe that caused her cancer. But her illness is no less tragic than if it occurred to a non-smoker.

To be fair, however, my mother-in-law smokes. After not having seen her since we learned about my mother's cancer... well, next time she lights up, I can imagine my blood will boil a bit.

Thanks to this board for its continual support.

I think most people ask us this question because of ignorance of the subject of OC. I tell myself that is the reason I was askedand just give a very short answer. Most people mean well but are tongue tied as what to say.