Hey... everything's going to work out just as planned - now what that is, we have no way of knowing, but that's the way it's going to unfold, and in the long run all of the suffering and worrying and fretting that we do has its place... all of those things are relevant and help us cope. Those who brought us here did so with a purpose in mind, but as time progresses the purpose seems to change... did our parents bring us here for our support in the end? or simply to share life with us, and to show us the beauty of the world and of life and living and sharing... maybe all of these reasons are why we are here... to support, to appreciate the beauty of life and living and sharing... but the saddest part of it all is that it can't last forever. We live through our parents, our children live through us... and that part of you who is your great grandmother understands exactly where you are this very moment. We must consider making the best we can with what we have, being thankful for whatever it is and remember, also, that someone, someplace has got it worse than we. We are only human, and that's all we can be, human. No one of us is more human than the other, nor can we be. It is an impossiblity. Compassion and understanding is often the best, and only, consideration we have to offer. Just some thoughts evoked through your plea... hopefully to help you wander so not alone.

Dearest LarrysDaughter, God bless you for caring so very much about your parents and for doing those practical, helpful tasks for them--and most of all for BEING with them. Would it be too weird for you to just cry with them? Really, if you are close to tears, just let them out so that maybe your parents will feel that they can let theirs out too. You are all together in the sorrow--of course we grieve for the life that will never be the same. We grieve waving goodbye to our former ignorance of the fact that a calm "normal" is just an illusion that can be shattered any minute. But this is GROWTH! We can also rejoice together that, WOW! We REALLY have gained the ability to treasure, love, appreciate, and rejoice over life's simplest pleasures--every day is a new gift. This is NOT a cliche!

Now I'm going to tell you what my days after my last treatment were like. I had zero skin on my neck. My neck tissues were exposed, my mouth was raw, and physically my life sucked. BUT I was still so very grateful for every smile and hand squeeze that came my way. I couldn't talk, really, either, and when I tried to, I didn't always make sense. Do make sure your Dad has good pain killers, okay? Ask him if they're working, and if he's in a lot of pain still, help your mom get the docs to adjust the prescription or change to a different med.

My friend, your Dad IS frail right now. These three weeks after treatment are THE very worst--or were for me. It's the culminiation of all the battles raging in there; but it's also evidence that his resources are definitely fighting hard!! And that's good!! Your Dad will recover his strength slowly. Even if he hardly says a word, can you hold his hand and tell him something every dad would love to hear. Like that you've been thinking of the time when xyz happened and it made you laugh out loud all over again. Or you remember the time he put together a dollhouse for you for Christmas, and when you think of that, it still makes you feel so very special and thank you so much, dad, you're just so wonderful.

Do you all share any musical interests? I did like listening to soothing music--it was in the background just soothing me. I didn't usually (before cancer) listen to music during the day, but I did find it helpful to get my mind off my body.

Another thing you could do is sit down with a piece of stationery and say, "Okay, mom and dad, I can't put off writing to Aunt Edna one more day! So help me do this and we'll all sign it and stick it in the mail TODAY!" (or a bday card, or whatever).

I wish I didn't have to sign off now, but my "other" family is waiting for me. Please feel free to write to me anytime, or even call me at 240-644-5558 (cell) if you need to talk. I will do my very best to cheer you up!!!

Take care of yourself, too, okay?
Love and prayers for you and your family,
Carol

LD,

I can relate to what you are going through. I'll be 42 this year and both my parents are 75 and have been in good health until my dad was diagnosed with oral cancer on 3/21/07. We are now going through our 2nd round of cancer in less than a year. This second round of radiation and chemo has been especially hard on dad, mostly because of where this new tumor is located.

For many months every time I left his home I was crying by the time I pulled out of the driveway. It breaks my heart to see the big, strong Dad that I remember looking so frail and only able to sit in the chair and lie in the bed. I too do all I can to help him and mom out. I've found that it's best not to ask if I can do something but to just do it. If I ask mom she will say no, but if I just do it she really appreciates it - no matter how big or small. While you may think that watering the plants is no big deal, it's one less thing that she has to do and will allow her more time to focus on your dad. Today I took my grandson out for a visit. I sat inside with dad while Mom played in the yard with Jaden for about 3 hours. She has not spent that much time away from dad in probably 5 months. Dad commented on how he was glad she was out there and that she needed the break. It did them both good.

You are doing the best you can right now being there for your parents. For me, my goal is to 1 - do all for them that I can for them and 2 - make sure that dad knows, no matter how his story ends, that I'm a good daughter and will make sure that Mom will be taken care of should he not make it.

You really are doing a great job. The roller coaster of emotions is part of your new normal, but it does get better. Just keep doing what you are doing, learn all you can, post when you need to and always know that you are not alone.

Joy

The few weeks after treatment ends are the worst. Moniter your father closely right now, make sure he doesnt get dehydrated. Did he get the feeding machine?

Just your being there helps your parents. Your time spent with them is very important even if right now they dont show it.

It's hard seeing one's parents so frail when you are used to seeing them strong. I went though that with my Dad the last few years as he suffered from congestive heart disease (I'm in my late 40s).

Having been through oral cancer treatment myself, though, I CAN say that your Dad will get better as time goes on. It's just that it will be a slow recovery and right now he is at the worst of the worst point.

The most important thing to get him through this point is to make sure he is getting adequate pain relief, adequate nutrition and adequate rest. Those last two things are what will help him heal and the former is just simply what any cancer patient should get. And I think you're doing a great job being a support for your mom since caregivers also start to feel crazy during this after-treatment but before improvement time.

Come here to vent anytime! Venting is what needs to happen to get through this....

Nelie

LarrysDaughter,
Have a Hug!
You said it all and you also felt a little bit better at the end of your post, in my opinion. Rambling is one of the great things people do here and from what I have read they usually wind up helping themselves and others as well.
We are all pulling for you. We all have an idea of what you are experiencing and don't mind at all if you need or want to lean on us or just listen and offer advice when we can.
I rember my wife going through similar emotions and have no idea of what it is like to be a bystander who is in your position. I hope I never do but, if I am, I'm sure I'll re-read this post and take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
Your father is very blessed to have you looking out for him. You mother, I am certain, admires her daughters love, caring and strength. You don't have to be her mother but you can be her friend. Tell them both as much as you can that you love them. It's a very simple thing but it will make you and them feel so good and help your process.
Keep the faith, this roller coaster is a beaut!
Take care of yourself too. Get plenty of rest, eat right and exercise when you have time. Take notice of all the simple pleasures that you have in your life. This type of fuel will help you keep your strength and allow you to continue being the loving daughter that you are.
I for one, admire you efforts!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Larry and your mother.
God Bless.
Mike

Hi again, Larry's Daughter,
How are things going this week? We've been thinking of you and your family. I really hope that you all found some encouragement and got a little more peace of mind and body, since your posting last weekend.

Your loving words on Jim's behalf were very moving. We are all rooting for him, too.

Just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers still, and we look forward to hearing how things are going, whenever you find it helpful to share. God bless you,

Carol

Carol,

Thank you so much for your kind note. It has been a rough week. Dad is not doing so well. They are talking about putting him in the hospital. He sees the Dr tomorrow, so I will know more then. I appreciate all of your help and suggestions, more than you will ever know!

Mike,

Your words were very moving, and meant so much to me. It has been a rough week, and I feel so deflated. Thank you.

Thanks for the updates. Im sorry to hear things your dad is still struggling. The time after treatments end is the hardest time. I ended up in the hospital myself twice, once during treatment and once after treatment was over. I know your dad had a hard time or it. I was one of those that struggled too. Hang in there, it will get better. In a couple weeks your father will improve and come out of the tunnel. That usually happens 2-4 weeks after treatment ends. I will say a prayer for you, your mom and of course your dad.

Christine, thank you! I know we are in for a long road ahead. But that doesn't make it any easier, ya know? I appreciate all of your kind words and helpfullness. You have been wonderful to me!

LD,

It's hard. I know. Find the blessing in each day. My prayers are with you.

Has your father improved at all? Does he do the overnight feedings now? I know right now really stinks, but in a couple weeks he will feel much better. Push the nutrition and water, I know its really hard to do but it will make a huge difference in his recovery.