This darn disease (and the treatment) have the weirdest ways of jumping up and biting you in the rump.

I am now 6.5 months post treatment, with a scary PET scan in October followed by an "all clear" scan in December, and another good physical exam last week.

When I first finished treatment, I had a pretty good bout of depression, which you all told me could happen, then righted the ship and got along pretty well. The last few weeks, however, I find that I have been spending more time worrying about recurrence and the potential aftermath, with no good reason.

I read the posts of those less fortunate than I, and it just tears me up, and makes it a chore to even post this, as my concerns seem petty in comparison. Others have posted about feeling guilty over having relatively smooth recoveries, and I now understand that feeling. On the one hand, I know I can't let my guard down over this disease, but on the other hand, I need to give myself permission to live without looking over my shoulder constantly.

How do others get through this? Is this just one of those cyclical things that will come and go over time? Maybe just the winter doldrums, combined with seeing some bad things happen to good people recently.

Thanks, as always. As a midwestern male, not really used to wearing my emotions on my sleeve, as it were, but there they are nonetheless.

Jeff, your reference to "I read the posts of those less fortunate than I, and it just tears me up..." strikes a chord of familiarity with me, because I'm only eight weeks out of my first rad/chemo and am already back to work half-time every day. I haven't even had a follow-up CAT or PET scan yet. But I figure that whatever happens is going to happen, (que sera sera) and worrying about it isn't going to change the ultimate outcome. My worrying is about the new garden shed I haven't gotten built yet because this cancer had the nerve to show up last September and spoil my plans. I feel that the reason we worry is that we find ourselves with nothing better to do, it's that simple. And yes, I do sometimes find myself falling into that pit, but try my best to get out of it any way I can, get out, read a book, vacuum the house, ANYTHING to get back into a productive healthy frame of mind.

Sounds to me like you're experiencing some pretty typical reactions to your situation.

The emotional roller-coaster is just part of the package, Jeff. Any time there is a life change or even just a change in routine, it comes with stress and can make one very depressed. BC (before cancer) I thought divorce was the most difficult and depressing event that could ever happen to me - it taught me that I could handle anything else that came along because it would be easier by comparison but when my son was diagnosed with SCC, the anxiety and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach were like nothing I had ever experienced before. After a lot of ups and downs on that roller-coaster, I began to hope and expect that things would get better. I treasured the good moments and hung on to them for strength during the difficult times. Jeff - you've had some good news recently with the Pet Scan and your good physical exam. Coming here helps to put things in perspective and to appreciate the good moments and to know that others understand. Things do get better!

Tom -- you sound a lot like me. I never stopped working during treatment, drove myself to treatment, etc. I think part of my "overdoing" then is catching up to me now on the phsychological side. Congratulations on your completion of treatment and great attitude. You are right about staying active.

Anne-Marie --- Thanks for the reference check. You are an inspiration!!!

Tom,

Your normal and you will be fine. We all think about the dark side. Your dealing with it just like you should and that's getting it out in the open and discussing it.

Jeff old buddy. I bet that everyone here worrys about the reoccurence thing. As for the tears, that's why we have feelings and the tears help us relax a little so we don't let the bottle develope too much pressure and explode.It's a pressure relief valve that God built into us. As for me, I seem to have a habit of pretending I'm fine and not worried, when truly I am. You are just another normal human being Jeff with normal feelings...

Jeff you are human,just like the rest of us,and no matter how well your treatment and recovery went,you are an intelligent human being who knows only too well the pitfalls that may litter your road to being cancer free.It is very sad to read all the bad news around at the moment,and it must exacerbate your fears every time you see someone who is not as fortunate as yourself.

Try to look at your fear of recuurance like you would look at a fear of flying,every time you are going on a journey your mind fills with worrying thoughts and you can get very stressed out and frightened.Once you are up in the air,the fears subside a little and when you land you wonder what you were scared about.The strange thing is you feel the same every time.I guess every time you see someone who is not doing so well,the fears rush up to the suface again,but you are a suvivor,and will go on being one.You have always had a great attitude,and its ok to wobble now and then.

enjoy your health

love liz

Cookey, why is it everyone tell us when we fly, not to worry about it and that if it's your turn to go you will and if not you won't? What if it's the pilots turn to die but not yours?? LOL

OMG i never considered that Jim

Jim,
That means the pilot will die and you will be a survivor! :-)