Mark - I love your "friendly exchange". I just copied it and sent it to my son, also the ideal patient! Not long ago, when I dared to insert 1/4 cup of 100% Whey Protein ($18 for 1.1 lbs!) in his nutritious, hi-calorie milkshake, he acted like I was trying to poison him. Today, I made some very tasty nutritious (Whey) popsicles which I am going to try out on my grandchildren.

Good morning all, I can't begin to express my sincere gratitude for all of your wonderful & insightful posts. I've copied many of them & sent them to Teri (in particular Rob's post about her getting her life back!) FYI, I have an appt with a cancer therapist for myself today - I'll let you know how it goes. Teri & I have been treading lightly with each other these last few days but at least we're communicating. She's apologized several times for being so difficult & said that she realizes that she now needs to "take more responsibility for this illness". It's a step in the right direction. Thank you all so much - I feel like each one of you is a friend!!!
PS: Mark, I've printed your friendly exchange & taped it to MY computer screen!
Bonnie
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CG 41-yo daughter, stg 3 SCC lateral tongue, partial glossectomy, mod rad neck dissection, 1 pos node, IMRT x 30 completed 12/22

Bonnie,
Tell your daughter Terri that being a single parent today is by far the most difficult job in the world, add cancer diagnosis to that and most of us wouldn't want to get out of bed either. I have a feeling you are both going to come out of this great. It is a long process and you are taking the necessary steps. Please keep us posted.
Always,
Mark D.

As best as I can recall (I keep blanking on some of this) for a few months post-radiation, I would get up out of bed, get dressed and fed, then go lay down on the couch, getting up only when necessary, until it was time to get undressed and get into bed. And I was already on anti-depressants.

I can't imagine having had to interrupt that routine to run a delivery service for schoolkids, so she's doing better than I likely would have done.

Time and healing from the radiation devastation will take care of this naturally.

Dear Mark D. I'm on your wife's side "Then nurse from Hell"

Well I

Bonnie,

Going through a cancer battle can be a test of the wills, as you have certainly found out. As I look back on my experience, I think it was probably a good thing that virtually all of my family (other than my husband) was geographically far enough away not to be a part of the day-to-day ordeal.

It sounds as though your husband was prepared to make some sacrifices as long as the actual treatment was going on, but thought that things could revert to "normal" after it was over, kind of like flipping a switch. (I'm just guessing here, but he may have also assumed that at that point you'd be able to give him more attention again.) However, as you know, recovery from radiation can take months -- in many cases, one month of recovery for each week of treatment. If your husband wasn't aware of this before, he may have had an unrealistic set of expectations.

If Teri is now at the point where she realizes she has to be less dependent and take responsibility for her recovery, it's probably time for her to start to do or say some things that help to show that she's truly grateful for what he did for her these past few months. It sounds like this is a wound that may take awhile to heal, and she may have to be the one to take the first steps toward making it happen.

Cathy

Sounds like your husband mistakenly assumed that the end of radiation was the end of suffering!

Wrong!!!!!

The end of radiation isn't even the end of the internal baking that is still going on -- Have him read the directions on a microwaveable meal, the part where it says to let the food stand for X minutes after the magnetron has turned off -- The stuf is still cooking, and so is your daughter for up to the next six weeks!!

Then the healing starts and it goes slowly with no apparent progress even week-to-week -- I am personally a full year out now, and people are still telling me I'm looking "much better lately".

Do the Mule Trick and tell him to reset his Expectations Timetable to reflect reality (The Mule Trick is where you whack him in the head with a 2x4 to get his attention )

Altho I know it is totally inappropriate and not at all what Bonnie needs to hear, I am reduced to falling out of my chair laughing at Pete's post.

Bonnie, you are in a really tough spot. It sounds like your hubby is saying "O.K. thats over" while you and Teri know that this will never be "over". It may take a visit by your hubby to your therapist to enlighten him on the long term emotional effects of a life threatening disease. [hope you can get him to go] If you and your husband have a good communication base, this is not a marriage crisis. It is an issue that you haven't had to deal with before and now you do. You both need to find the common ground. [easier said than done sometimes Amy in the Ozarks

Thank you guy! It's just a really rough time right now. As you said, Teri & I know this is a LONG term process, but my husband is a "fix it" type person & I think he's frustrated because he can't. Yes, I've got him to agree to go to my next therapy appt with me & hopefully we can get some clarity. And if it doesnt' help I'll definitely try Pete's mule trick!! In the meantime I took Teri to the med onc today & she's going to start swallow therapy (has a barium swallow eval next week). So we start a whole new chapter.
Thank you again my friends, I don't know what I'd do without you!