I have read a lot on this forum about the new normal post Tx.
This of course is applied to patients adjusting to the change in their lives that results from agressive surgery and radiation.
I wonder however, how many of you consider the new normal for caregivers?

For most of us our lives changes dramatically and sometimes forever,when someone we previously lived with on an equal footing is diagnosed with cancer.

Ordinary day to day existance is replaced with a schedule of treatment and care that leaves you breathless.The physical and mental strain of the day to day practicalities of the disease mean that life as you knew it ceases to be.This in turn can lead to isolation,and a feeling of being trapped in a world that only contains illness,hospitals,doctors,nurses,and talk of cancer.

It is all consuming ,and for most carers,a very emotional time as you helplessly watch someone you love going through treatment and pain you cannot begin to imagine,at the same time as juggling children,chores,work,housekeeping,hospital schedules,screening visitors,dispensing treatments and medication,dealing with practical problems and listening to emotional out pourings.

For us it is the only way we can help,and very quickly life takes on a whole new vista,that makes us feel involved,needed and useful.

As your loved one improves and the treatment comes to an end you suddenly realise that your life has been on hold for months,and as you are less needed and have less responsibilties a strange feeling of emptiness can creep in.The closeness you may have developed during your journey through cancer can be replaced with resentment because you are no longer relied on or indeed needed so much and your whole purpose can be in question.You feel exhausted,mentally drained often due to circumstances you even look a bloody mess as you have had no personal time for everyday things like eating regularly,going to the hairdressers or the gym or just getting out in the fresh air.
And for some of us there is nothing to show for it.

The new norm for the care giver can be confusing and lonely and every bit as devastating as it is for the sufferer,in an entirely different way.

And for the one left behind when all that commitment comes to nothing it is hell om earth.

Hey Cookie,
Very eloquently put and I so feel for how you must be feeling now.
The 'new norm' for you must be devastating after a roller coaster of a year which has been filled with all things totally, horrifically, unimaginable for most people.

Another 'new normal' WILL take over at some point, and be assured that although you may feel 'changed forever', your strength, compassion and willingness to help others will ensure that you are appreciated and loved for things other than having been a fantastic Caregiver and advocate.

Continue to take time for yourself, to heal YOU Liz and know that when you feel alone, we are always here for you.

The weather aint too bad today--take a walk in the fresh air and get to the Hairdresser's--and book another appointment for next month! Please look after yourself now, you have other roles in life besides being a Caregiver, be nice to yourself and know you are loved.

Bren x

I'm ok Bren it is just something that stews in my mind every time i read that phrase "new normal".I would prefer to go back to old normal really,but as i said like the sufferers themselves we have no choice.

Not long to wait now girl..keep well

love and hugs liz

"And for some of us there is nothing to show for it."

I think this is the big difference. My son is getting better. And yes, there are times when the new normal feels weird. This has happened to me a lot during the past couple of weeks. Things that started just as my son was diagnosed -- and were then promptly put on hold -- have made their way back to the surface again. A grant application, a speaking engagement ... it is hard to deal with these things and separate them from that time when our world fell apart.

In my case though, I can look at my kid. I can see him eat and hear him talk and know that he is getting better. The cancer was awful. What he (and we) went through was horrendous. But we got through to the other side.

I don't know how you deal with it when the one you love doesn't make it. But I am guessing that one way is to help others through -- like you are, by posing these questions and by giving advice and lending an ear and a heart. God bless you for that , Liz. I hope you find peace.

Any kind of change in life, whether it is good or bad, comes with a certain amount of stress, depending on the degree of change or loss. Comfort and hope comes by sharing with others who have survived similar experiences. There is a small paperback book that helped me so much when I was surviving divorce. It's "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" but it applies to any kind of loss, whether it's the loss of a previous way of life or love, job, whatever. One quote I remember is "God, I can't make it to church, today - Please make a housecall".

OCF and the caring people here helped me more than words could ever say when my son was diagnosed with Oral cancer, and now he, too, is getting better. I can't begin to fathom the loss of a loved one who does not make it. Liz, I do hope you stay with us, sharing your wisdom and your thoughts as you go towards the "new normal" or whatever normal can bring you peace.

So, funny story ... I post on here about how I'm getting into the new normal, and then I decide to clean out a purse. And in that purse are all the appointment cards and detritus of those first weeks.

And I am a sobbing, quivering, mound of emotional goo all over again. If this is the new normal -- it sucks.

Here here!

Edeevee - you're right, the new normal does suck! But it does get better. And when the heart wrenching sobs come, let them help to cleanse and soothe the pain and help you to feel compassion for yourself. As a mother, I think the worst imaginable pain is to have something happen to your child. My son's Tx ended almost a year ago and I still feel like there will always be those dark thoughts waiting in the wings.. . .just waiting. And I force myself to consider the good things no matter how small. Last nite, my son and I went to a chinese restaurant. It was wonderful, just looking into his eyes, having a conversation and realizing how lucky we were to have made it this far. Liz - you make a good point - caregivers do need to find their own "new normal".

Boy Liz, did you hit the nail on the head! I feel forever changed and mentally exhausted. And I still have my hubby here....5 weeks out of treatment and almost back to normal. I can't explain it...I should be joyous over Bill's quick recovery but I keep letting fear creep in and take over my optimism. So, I guess, I as well as Bill will have to find the new normal.

Deb

Hi Liz:
I made it to that "New Normal" (Whatever that is) and I try to show my appreciation to my caregiver (Wife) everyday in some way. Sometimes it's flowers, an extra kiss, a simple note showing my appreciation for her, or things she may not physically witness, that extra thought acknowledging how special she truly is, or even a little prayer just for her, not only for what she done to help me through, but for what she is, a wonderful, compassionate human being. I truly feel blessed to still be here for her and our children now, and without her love (Sometimes tough), dedication, and devotion, I'm not sure I would be here typing this right now!! Liz, you hit it on the head with your comments, juggling work, kids, errands, bills (Oh, juggling those bills), household chores, basically everything, WOW!!

So GOD BLESS all you caregivers and the sacrifices you have made!!! You all are truly the glue that holds things together when things were tough.

Steve