Mom's last treatment for radiation is scheduled for Tuesday, the 21st. I am so happy for her, yet I feel this rise of panic in me. It's not what I normally experience with a fear, I can't define it. Maybe I have gotten used to knowing that she is battling her cancer this way, very aggressively, and knowing she is scheduled to have surgery sometime in the beginning of Sept., then she should be completely done...
I think maybe that negative feeling is creeping in. Any help on ideas to chase it away would be helpful. I keep feeling like I am going to be sick, but I know I'm not ill.
I understand patients feeling this way, but the caregiver?

Oh Donna,

I so know that feeling and there are days it is so prevalent that no amount of positive thinking seems to chase it away. I have noticed that it is worse if I am very tired so pay attention to the hour and time...sometimes it just takes a little sleep to make it better.

We just finished the first week of RX and second round of chemo. Lots more to go!

...And I thought I was the ONLY one having these mini 'panic attacks'....thanks for letting me know that this is not unusual....

Deb: Hubby is about to start IMRT X 30 and chemo...let us know how Bill is doing....
We'd be grateful for any 'pointers' you may wish to share!

Donna: You're very brave, and SUCH a precious daughter...I'm sure your mother is very proud of you.

Lois in NC

Lois,

Hubby is NC State grad...grew up on the coast (Beaufort area)...we still have the family farm in the Harlow area on the inland waterway. We are big ACC fans. Lived in Raleigh until 1991.

I must say that Bill is doing very well so far. He was pretty sore from the peg tube and port surgery for three days but has turned the corner and feels pretty good right now. Says his throat is actually not as sore (probably the tumor is responding to treatments.) So far, no nausea, no mouth sores and very little signs of the radiation...(he is very tanned anyway.) He is eating quite well by mouth, actually enjoying having no restrictions of what he eats!

His twice a day radiation treatment (hyperfrationated IMRT) is supposed to be very aggressive and they would not do it unless he had the PEG placed. Thursdays find us at the RO at 9:40AM, then to MO for 5.5 hours of infusion, then back to RO at 4:30PM...a long day.

I am sure the storm is coming but for today, we will rejoice in a weekend of no appts and relative calm and good health.

I am grateful for this day. Deb

Oh,

I was also going to add that the first consult to the RO, I experienced what, I guess, WAS a panic attack. I have never been bothered by anything like that and I managed to get it under control before we entered the facility, but I had a few minutes of what felt like sheer terror accompanied by rapid heartbeat and a very sick feeling. I was so surprised by it...like it came out of nowhere. I thought I was doing well with all the logistics of this diagnosis...getting all the appts lined up, second opinion, etc. I guess we do compartmentalize what is happening to us but every so often emotion rises to the surface like it or not...guess it proves we are human even when we are trying to be "superhuman."

Thanks.
I will watch for the time....that makes sense. I also have not been sleeping, maybe 3 hrs a night. I require so much more.
Mom's calling for me.
Again, thank you both!

Dear Donna, Not to sound harsh here, but I will venture to say that if you try to continue to function on 3 hrs. of sleep a night, you will soon collapse and not be any good to anyone. Can you get some help in this situation? It's for your good and your Mom's. Amy in the Ozarks

Hello Amy,
Are you speaking of a sleep aide? I think I would be too afraid to try that. What if someone needed me and I was to out of it to tend to them? Not to mention, I don't do well on some meds. I tried taking the anti-depressant, after I stopped yawning like a german sheperd, I would end up just sitting and staring into space--literally felt like I was glued to my seat.
I don't know what to do. I am tired all the time. I really think it's built up fromt he beginning. Maybe once Tuesday night rolls around I'll be able to sink into a good nights sleep. Mom and I were talking earlier about what to do on Wednesday....this is her first day off in weeks and weeks! I told her we should go and check into a nice hotel suite and get two queen beds, movies and soda, water....whatever and just fall asleep with no distractions. It would be so wonderful to not hear anything for a few hours more.

Donna,

I don't have to tell you what Amy has eluded too....take care of you!! Then you will have the mental and physical strength to take care of your mother. When she sleeps you sleep if something happens the hospital staff and/or care givers will wake you. When she laughs you laugh when she cries cry with her...it's all healthy as long as you ...Take care of you.
Your hotel idea sounds like a marvelous stress reducer for you both, my opinion...Just Do It!!
You have my thoughts and prayers.
Cheers,
Mike

Good Morning Mike!
I am the primary caregiver, she has my dad and sister but she really isn't comfortable with them at times. Last night at 3:20am I heard her wake up, I could hear her getting sick, then crying. I went upstairs to her and helped her. Every few days she kind of coughs up the roof of her mouth--it actually looks like the shell of it. Dad doesn't handle this well, my sister lives over an hour away. I'm here. The hardest part for me is when she cries. She tries so hard not to. We have so much under control now, as far as pain mgnmt, mucous, knowledge...but when something like that happens it tends to freak her out. To be honest, it is scary. I asked her if she thought maybe it was the nucous haredening that way around, but that really doesn't make any sense.
Two more days....then off for a week or so.
Oh. I knew I was getting to something, if I were asleep, in a drug induced sleep, I mihgt not hear her. I don't know why, but she trusts me, and I can calm her down, faster than anyone. It's a strange role to play. My mom is only 63, I turn 45 in a couple of weeks-yuck!, but to turn the tables, me being in charge is strange. I've gotten used to it now....wonder if it's my place now? Today my 90 yr young grandmother is coming over. Last week she came with her dog--I have to call and hurt her feelings and tell her to leave the dog home. Been through that a few times now, she doesn't listen.
I think for a few more days I'll be fine and then I am taking my mom, alone, maybe to her place down the shore-no phones. Cell phones off.
That's where she wants to go, so...I think I can handle a little beach time with her.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
Donna