My husband of three years has just finished radiation and chemo, and now is in the wait stage before the follow-up PET scan. Initially, the battle against his cancer was a joint one. We went to his doctors together and I stayed with him when he was in the hospital. Then as the weeks turned into months, my husband became more and more withdrawn and irritable. I was no longer welcome to be with him during radiation or chemotherapy (He says

Lily - Try to hang in there - being irritable and distant and depressed is part of the whole recovery process. There are good days and bad days. My son - during his worst recovery days - was definitely not a "happy camper". The loss of a previous way of life with the control and responsibilities one is used to is difficult to adjust to. We did a lot of text msging and laptop writing to communicate when I was taking care of him. At one point, it was almost funny the way he got so excited when furiously typing a msg on his laptop and finally started to yell out loud (well, as much as he could manage with the pain it caused him) about something he was unhappy about. Maybe if you talk to him about your feelings without being accusatory, he might get an idea of how difficult it is sometimes, just being the caregiver. The 3 or 4 weeks after radiation are usually the worst for the patient/survivor but it does get better after that. Is he on any medication for pain? Perhaps you could let his doctor know about his mood and whether it might be depression or if he needs something else. Lots of people get depressed about thi time and it is difficult to see a loved one in such distress. Sometimes all you can do is just hold him gently or touch his hand. Your 18 yr old must also be worried and feeling the change. Please reassure him/her that things do get better gradually. Perhaps the upcoming empty nest will give you and your husband a chance to find some special moments to re-connect. Do let us know what happens.

I never had any good days - they went from fair to horrific! Maybe it's just a matter of perspective.

It is much easier for some people to be "patients" than it is for others. Some people feel they will be loved and value and attended to no matter their struggle and what it requires of significant others. Others believe thay must not overburden others with their needs and wants and fears and move away or push away when they are afraid they will be viewed as needy or diminished. Yhis type of cancer does so many things that may lead some people to feel diminished: fatigue, pimples, weight loss, loss of hair, not being able to work, being fed through a tube, throwing up, loosing teeth. Maybe it's easier to push someone away when you are afraid they will ultimately push you away?

That could be, Sophie - maybe that's why they need to be reassured that the love you have for them is not dependant so much on the outward appearances but rather on the true inner beauty of the person and the love connection that you have. My son told me one day about how he had expressed to his therapist that he felt badly about having to rely on me so much for everything, even tho' I had repeatedly assured him that I loved him and wanted and needed to help him thru this cancer fight. He said his therapist asked him if he wouldn't do the same for his daughter if she needed him? It was then that he understood. Just being able to keep busy doing something is what helped me get thru the dark days and keep the anxiety attacks at bay. That, and of course this OCF site and the many compassionate people who made me feel I was not alone.

Hi Lily,

I got "fired" before we even started. I think Dan was just SO mad at the diagnosis he kind of lashed out at me.

Although, that period was short lived, I have made it to every appointment and treatment. And, like you were during treatment, we feel very strong as a team while we are undergoing the fight.

I am concerned about being in a situation like yours post-treatment. I understand the phase you are in currently is one of the roughest. When did your husband complete treatment?

Because of all of the potential issues post treatment, my husband's medical team wants him to consider anti-depressants now as they tend to take a couple of weeks to get into the system and he has just over two weeks to go of treatment.

However, my husband is adamant about not wanting to consider that option. Has this been discussed with you and your husband?

I have been told privately by our healthcare team that day by day the treatments and post treatments rob each patient of their independence and this is almost as hard emotionally as the treatments are physically.

How independent is your husband at this phase? Is he able to drive...track his calories/fluids...keep track of meds? Could you give him some space and take a little time for yourself and your son?

I don't know if this helps, but I have a neighbor who was finishing up treatments for oral cancer the week my husband was diagnosed (back in May). Seeing their lives show signs of normalcy is what keeps the light shining at the end of the tunnel for me. That, and what I read here.

I have hopes that our marriage will be stronger after this than it was before. Although, I am very aware that this journey will likely get harder (and possibly rougher on our marriage) before it gets easier.

Please let us know how far along your husband is post-treatment. I think that will help people help you more. And, as people give you advice, I think that will help many others. I do not believe you are alone at the stage you are in.

All the best,

Now that Tx is over things will start to get better for him and therefore you in a few weeks.

Remember he wants his life back to and up to now he doesn't see any light at the end of any tunnel. That will change and so will his attitude but please continue to be patient.

I just wanted to say that I am also a new member (just found the site a couple of days ago, yeah!) and I have also gone through a lot of the issues you're going through (if you're interested, look at the Introduce Yourself board for Annie M). My husband, 6 mos post tx, was almost worse (ok during the fight but unhappy with final results) after tx but davidcpa and others helped give me perspective that things will get better. My husband also did (does) the somewhat pushing away "thing" but I am realizing that this is all part of the process. Hang in there and know we are all there for you and your husband. This entire forum has been a Godsend for me, even in the short period of time I've been here. I hope the same for you!
My thoughts/prayers are with you and yours!

I can't remember how many time John fired me :rolleyes: [as did his Doc a few times-who, at one point, told me to quit taking John's blood pressure 4 or 5 times a day,and to let him sleep as much as he wanted] Lily, I don't believe youall have disconnected, but what he is going through can only be sorted out by him on a gut level within himself, Your role is to give love and support and stay strong. Amy in the Ozarks

i spent mant hours writing the self same thing about my husband during his post treatment stage and it eventually resulted in us parting company for a couple of weeks.Be patient and take on board all the advice given to you here by many many people who have walked this route and survived.

good luck

liz