Hi,

My mom has oral cancer, on the tongue, less than 2 cm's, stage 2, waiting for an MRI and she only told me about this two days before meeting with an ENT....

..she later told my dad and my sisters, after meeting witht he ENT .. but i dont think she plans to tell anyone else, not even her own brother, sister, or dad ..and she even said to me last last nite that she doesn't want to tell anyone ...

...i dont know if thats a good thing, i've read a lot of places suggesting that a strong support system is needed ..and my mom is an amazing person, friends and family would line up to get her through this ...but i don't think my mom sees it like that..i think my dad has the same idea .. that if she tells others, people will start coming around and making her sad .. but i dont know,

any suggestions? thoughts?

thanks
H

Herson, this is a biggy. I remember when we found out we worried about telling anyone. Partly because we are self employed and we just thought that if our customers found out then they would stop calling. At a time when every dime was important, losing business was a scary thing.

The only thing I can offer is this....
The time will come when you can't avoid telling certain people. And, well, people talk anyway so I wouldn't push it with mom. Let her start her treatments and as time goes by a couple of things will likely happen.

1. She might change her mind at tell people that she wants to know
2. something will come up that there is nothing else you can do but tell a certain person
3. she will feel so miserable that she won't care who knows anymore

Any and/or all of the above things can and probably will likely happen. But for now, it is best to let her make that decision.

Having cancer seems to take all of the control out of one's life. By choosing who and when to tell, your mom is holding on to one thing she can control. At least for now.

I think your parents are right that some of her friends will come around and it will likely make her sad. She is in a new and very scary place right now.

If you have a family that will be there when needed then don't worry. Even if they are not told now they will be there when you call. The support system is there when you need it and I am sure your mother can call on that when she is ready.

There are a million things going on with your mom right now and most of them are scary. The best thing to do is to respect her wishes (so long as they don't endanger her health) and be there to support her. It seems from what you have said that she told the one person she wanted and needed to tell the most, and that was you. Now you stand by her and support her in every way you can. The road is going to be long and difficult and she will need all of you before its over but there is light on the other side so hang onto that and you guys will make it through this.

Good luck and if you need more just drop a line. My husband had the same cancer as your mom and June 14th he will be a year cancer free. Tell your mom that there are survivors everywhere and to fight hard and hang in there.

All my best,
Cindy

Welcome Her Son.

My first and only suggestion would be to get her here to read the numerous posts related to how important the support network is. There very likely will be times when she is just plain not going to be able to fend for herself.

I wish you and your mom the best. Read all you can here as there is an unbelievable amount of free knowledge and information to be found.

Bill

I agree that this may and probably will change as things progress. I was very cautious about who I told at the very beginning when I didn't really know how serious the diagnosis was or what exactly the treatment would be myself. I didn't want people asking a lot of questions I couldn't answer. As I got more answers myself, and also as I needed more support and help, I told more and more people.

Nelie

Her Son, at least for now I recommend that you respect your parents' wishes. I told very few people, primarily only those who could see that something was going on. My husband and I were able to get through it without help, because I didn't have a particularly tough time, just long and drawn out. My thinking was that so many of the people I know would worry terribly, without being able to do anything to help, as I had treatment in a city other than where we live. Many were a little PO'd to hear after it was all over, but better that, to my way of thinking, than to have worried for the months of my treatment. This may also have been my way of minimizing the seriousness of it all -- not wanting lots of people to be worried about me. Perhaps this is what your parents are thinking. They may change their minds as treatment progresses. Bottom line, it is their call.

When I was diagnosed I was the director and owner of a huge cheerleading and gymnastics gym, over 300 kids in just the cheer program. Everyone of those kids had parents and families, etc. I went from being the "behind the scenes" kind of person, I've always hated being the center of attention...........to everyones eyes on me. There is a difference in the eyes of your friends when they are aware that you have CANCER.........just that word strikes a fear in all humans. Knowing someone has it changes your perception of that person, I don't care who you are or who the patient is. I hated the kind of curious, pitying look that was in the eyes of 99% of people that knew and it made me very uncomfortable, took me out of the role I was used to being in..........which was that of caregiver. No one ever had to take care of me (although my husband DOES spoil me shamelessly)it was always me taking care of and worrying on everyone else.
I suspect your mom may feel the same way I did, she just doesn't want all that attention on herself. Respect her wishes, it's one thing she can control right now and that is important.

I agree with all the sentiments of the above post, I don't like to be the centre of attention so the only people that knew about my cancer was my hubby, daughter, brother, my bosses at work because of the time off I had to have and an aunt and she only knew because I talk to her on the phone alot and she kept asking what was wrong with my voice so I had to tell her eventually, not even my sister in law or mother in law knew anything about it until months after treatment etc and that was only because after MIL asked after my health to my hubby one day he let it slip that I was okay now so of course that followed questions as to why okay now?
Of course more people know now what I had so as the post above says people do change towards you when they find out you've got/had cancer, it's like they visibly take a step backwards when talking to you, (like they were going to catch it or something) in a way it was/is amusing to watch