Hi Michelle,

Rest assured you have done all you could. I support you 100% no matter what decisions you make. You have earned that respect!
Your support has helped so many. You have made a serious impact on this forum. We are lucky to have you. Let us know how it's going and stand tall girl.

Remember to take one day at a time and keep loving those boys! It is a diaease and I hope and pray Dennis can return to the man you fell in love with. If you need anything just ask.

Love Ya, Danny Boy

Hi Mandi,
I hope that you are also thinking and making plans in case this doesn't work for Dennis. Sometimes we can't help those that don't want the help so I hope you will put you and your children first from this point on.
Take care,
Minnie

Mandi,
I hope you can distance yourself if this doesn't work out. Tough love is tough to do but a must. I am an alcholic in recovery. I speak from my heart when I say it's up to him. He has to bottom out and be prepared if you do hang in there. Sometimes a dry drunk is worse than the drunk one. Fortunately I didn't become one but many do.You've given so much already. Please think of yourself and the boys.
Take care
Diane

Mandi, I am glad that you have finally made the right decision of getting your husband treated in the hospital. It hurts when seeing the one you love behave like this after a traumatic battle. It is time you took a 'break' for the sake of your own health. While I was in severe depression, my husband, who used to be a very strong guy, broke into tears several times and lost control of me when my intention to commit suicide grew stronger. He had no choice but to escort me to the hospital for treatment for about a month. The medicine and the psychiatrist helped a great deal. Just wish the same thing will happen on your husband and that he can fully recover from his abnormal addiction. There is always hope.You have my thoughts and love,

Karen

I can't thank all of you enough. I admit that I had to think twice before posting my previous message. The last thing I want to do is bring negativity in anyone's life at this point. But, in all your responses, I felt the love instead. Even though my experience is not what all of you are facing (THANK GOD), you took the time to support me. You have no idea how much this has helped me in the past two days.

I loved my family and friends, but lost the majority of them in the past three years. I lost all of my support system within months. I always knew that I had a safe place to fall with my boys, if need be, before then. That all changed in a blink. I don't want to imagine where I would be today, if I hadn't found this extended "family".

Danny, I know you will find this hard to believe , I have a mouth, but a soft heart. I kept hoping that somehow, someway, Dennis' condition would improve, thus, helping me through my own problems. God gave me the strength to see that wasn't going to happen without some action on my part.

I'm still praying I'll have more courage, if detox/rehab fails. All I know is I have 27 more days to heal myself enough that I'll be able to face whatever happens.

God is there though. I can guarantee that without a doubt. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have survived all this. Along with all my "family".

I love you all,
Mandi

So he's in a 30 day "spin dry" (Detox is usually only 3 days)? Just remember that recovery is a life long program. HE (not you) has to be willing to go to ANY lengths to get it. If he's not willing to do AA - preferably daily meetings - or at least 90 meetings in 90 days you're in trouble. If he's a train wreck he should be thinking about a half way house after the spin dry. Do not let him manipulate you - we drunks are experts at that. We're also great liars and deceivers.

As we have suggested many times before get into Alanon and learn more about rescuing and enabling behavior or this will be just one more frustrating trip on the merry go round. I would suggest that you get a copy of the Big Book and read pp58-88 and also pp104-135.

Just like cancer recurrence, alcohol does the same game - it's always worse in a relapse. Even if you stop the disease keeps on going. There are many parallels between cancer and alcoholism. Always remember that drinking is only a symptom of the disease, that's why it is vital to work the steps and uncover the root causes. Having a sponsor (one with serious recovery and step experience) is also vital.

So here is an outline of the program:
Go to meetings
Read the Big Book
Get a sponsor
Work the steps
Get into service

It's not rocket science.

And by the way, you cannot "heal yourself" - it requires the grace of a higher power.

I just joined this forum because of my brother, an extremely heavy smoker and drinker who waited two years before mentioning the ulcer in his mouth to anyone. A couple of months ago he had surgery that removed almost all of his lower teeth, some jawbone and lots of tissue. He went right back to smoking and drinking and chickened out of the prescribed radiation.

Needless to say, he's right back in hospital again and facing radiation with no choice about it because they say it's a matter of days until he'll be unable to eat or even breathe. He's in horrible pain. The only bright spot I can see is that although the cancer has spread to lymph tissue, it's still localized in the mouth. I'm torn between anger and sorrow and guilt - all complicated by the fact that my two siblings and I live 300 miles away, and my brother's primary support is our 75-year-old, widowed mom.

It has already been helpful to me to realize that there are other people out there who love difficult people, people whose lives are at risk because they can't walk away from cigarettes and alcohol. Thank you to you all and my prayers are with you all too.

Sarah,

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Have you considered Al-Anon? They can help you handle the feelings of guilt and anger. It is bad enough having to watch somebody you love suffer from cancer, having to watch them actively aid in the killing process is too much!! I wish I could do or say something to help, but please believe there are lots of us who are praying for you and your family.

Michelle, I encourage you to look into the possibility of a halfway house for your husband. I know he'll probably be strongly against it, but Gary is right, it would be a great help in his recovery, and yours too.

Love, Leena

Sarah,

Welcome to this site -- I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you'll find plenty of support and helpful information on this board. Are there any friends living closer to your mom who might be able to give her some help? How is her health? Caregivers in this situation can become very stressed and if there is someone nearby who can relieve some of that (by bringing meals, running errands, etc.) it might give her a much-needed lift.

Mandi -- I tend to agree with Gary's and Leena's recommendations about a halfway house. In my earlier post I mentioned that one of my relatives had been through something similar, and he spent several months after rehab in a halfway house that helped him get some necessary discipline and structure into his day-to-day routine. It was a bumpy ride for awhile, but the end result was a dramatic change in his life (and, as Gary said, AA meetings as a regular part of his schedule).

Cathy

Sarah,

Welcome to the neighborhood and I am sorry you are having to see your brother and now your mother subjected to this terrible disease. I am a bit concerned with the sketchy details of your brother's cancer. When you mention spreading to the lymph tissue, this is an indication that the cancer has spread to places that make it very difficult to treat. By postponing and/or refusing (chickening out of) treatment and letting the cancer infiltrate, your brother may have already chosen his destiny.

I don't know from your post where the primary cancer is and the stage and how far it has spread. Localized and in the lymph system are contradictory. Add to that the concerns of the doctors that he won't be able to eat or breathe soon and the picture I have is very grim. The pain could be caused by not taking care of himself post surgery or as you state it could be his continued smoking and drinking burning the wounds from surgery.

From what I am reading, your mother is the one I am most worried about. It sounds like your brother has already decided he is not going to fight the cancer and let it take its course. Your mother, on the other hand must feel totally helpless and majorly stressed.

Your feelings of anger, sorrow and guilt are quite normal as a family member of a cancer patient. I don't usually address something so frankly but this is a good time to form rational thoughts and do everything in your power to help your mother. At her age, do you want the entire burden placed on her? Do whatever you can to get your brother all the support you can find in the area. Check with his medical facility to find a social worker and lay out a plan to address your brother's needs. Then, do everything in your power to get your mother out of the situation if even for weekends. She may want to take care of her child without paying attention to her limitations.

My father is 74 years old and I made it a point to keep him as shielded from my disease as I can. I always portray my health as great and if it takes every once of energy, I want him to avoid worrying. There is nothing harder on a parent than seeing their child suffer.

You do not have to stop loving your brother but do realize his life is not at risk because it has already progressed past risk and is now advanced cancer. His choices of being irresponsible with his health issues and treatment options should be respected but not forced on others, i.e. your mother.

These seemingly harsh words are spoken from the heart and only intended to extend compassion to your mother. She has paid her dues in life and deserves all the comfort her children can possibly provide her in her golden years.

Ed