Today I had my husband admitted to an in-patient alcohol/drug rehab facility in Annapolis.

It's been almost two years since his diagnosis with tonsil cancer. We've endured the chemo and radiation with very little, or no, cure if it returns. He's continued to smoke, and drink worse than before.


Cancer in itself is beyond our control. Behavior, is our own responsibility.

I've fought this with Dennis for years. I'm tired and would like some support.


Michelle

Right on lady
Wish I had your strength, me I'm still burying my head in the sand.. So while you have some space get YOUR LIFE BACK.. run if you have to, get what ever support you can and GO.. find a womens refuge if you have to, you have to grab this one chance before it disappears, me I messed up my one chance to get out, and boy am I regreting it now.. Will be thinking of you..
Find your sunshine again.. love and hugs
Helen

Dear Mandi,

You have the best cancer support group right here, but I think you need to find a local ALANON group where you can go to talk out what is happening as it occurs. The members have all been through a situation similar to yours. They will tell you, as I will now, that it is time to be a little bit selfish to maintain your own life equalibrium.

I don't know if you are going to be able to visit Dennis anytime soon, but that doesn't matter. You have already made the toughest decision; To Get Help, so now it is time for you.

Dennis will be learning a great deal about his drinking in the upcoming weeks. His previous denial may even change to bitterness for a short time (as it did with me). Your continued presence speaks volumes for your inner strength. Please look to others now. You could use a break.

Forgive me for not acknowledging the author:

"This Too Will Pass"

I am in a hurricane right now.
I've been here before.
And I survived.
I am not alone.
God is with me.
My faith sustains me.
It has never failed me.
I'll come through this.
I am strong
and I am loved.

This too will pass.

My prayers for healing strength and recovery,

David

Mandi,
Prayers are with you for sure. Phil. 4:13 says "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me". May God comfort you and direct you during this time.
Take care,
Debbie

Mandi,

At Last. I am so happy for you. I do hope it was Dennis's decision to get treatment because he has a much better chance of beating this if he is not in denial.

Everyone says go to ALANON. That depends on whether you can find the right group. I found I had absolutely nothing in common with the groups I attended since I was self supporting and had no children. What I needed to do was learn more about the disease itself and how do cope with someone who has it. I attended several speaker AA meetings and grabbed every junk of literature available. There were also group sessions for the family on Saturdays at the facility my husband checked into. These were very beneficial. I had no idea what to expect when he was released from the facility 3 or 4 weeks later and I needed to know how it was going to affect our life. That sounds selfish on my part, but I wanted to help him without being an enabler and I didn't know how I should change.

It was rough. He had to do 90 meetings in 90 days and he did it and more. I don't remember how many years, but he attended meetings at least 4-5 days a week for years. That was 20 some odd years ago and he has never had a drink since. AA left little time for me and no time for a social life, but it was worth it because if he hadn't done it, he would be dead. He still runs one meeting a week.

So hang in there. Do what you have to do, whether you stay or leave. Do whatever is best for both you and your kids. Just maybe Dennis will get the picture and get control of his life. Here's hoping.

Take care,
Eileen

Mandi,

You will always have my support and I am praying fervently for God to provide exactly what YOU need right now and for Dennis to have his eyes opened to the love around him.

Ed

You are so strong...what a hardships to face...hopefully he will be able to take advantage of all rehab has to offer and what a caring careprovider you have been...hang in there!!! My thoughts and love are being sent you way as I write....Sara

Mandi,

I'm hoping and praying that this will be the step your husband needs (and that it will help you get some peace). In the case of one of my relatives, rehab seemed to be what it took to jolt him out of denial and push him toward taking responsibility for himself. Thankfully he's been clean and sober for over a dozen years and has been instrumental in helping a number of other people get into AA.

Please take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.

Cathy

Mandi,

I hope this is it for him. My son is in drug treatment right now + he entered the same week I started radiation - and I have other members of my family sober in AA for years - it works.

How did you keep from killing him when he continued drinking & smoking after the cancer diagnosis? I am not kidding. It must have been so unbelievably awful! I have told my husband I will leave him if he starts smoking again - I am not sure that I would, but I think he believes it.

You are still in for a hard time - I hope you can find a good Al-Anon group, they can really help you.

Love, Leena

Hi Mandi, I am praying for both you and your husband. Debbie quoted my fav Bible verse, Phil. 4:13, it has gotten me thru tough times. I am in Maryland if there is anything I can do for you.
Love, Carol

Hi Michelle,

Rest assured you have done all you could. I support you 100% no matter what decisions you make. You have earned that respect!
Your support has helped so many. You have made a serious impact on this forum. We are lucky to have you. Let us know how it's going and stand tall girl.

Remember to take one day at a time and keep loving those boys! It is a diaease and I hope and pray Dennis can return to the man you fell in love with. If you need anything just ask.

Love Ya, Danny Boy

Hi Mandi,
I hope that you are also thinking and making plans in case this doesn't work for Dennis. Sometimes we can't help those that don't want the help so I hope you will put you and your children first from this point on.
Take care,
Minnie

Mandi,
I hope you can distance yourself if this doesn't work out. Tough love is tough to do but a must. I am an alcholic in recovery. I speak from my heart when I say it's up to him. He has to bottom out and be prepared if you do hang in there. Sometimes a dry drunk is worse than the drunk one. Fortunately I didn't become one but many do.You've given so much already. Please think of yourself and the boys.
Take care
Diane

Mandi, I am glad that you have finally made the right decision of getting your husband treated in the hospital. It hurts when seeing the one you love behave like this after a traumatic battle. It is time you took a 'break' for the sake of your own health. While I was in severe depression, my husband, who used to be a very strong guy, broke into tears several times and lost control of me when my intention to commit suicide grew stronger. He had no choice but to escort me to the hospital for treatment for about a month. The medicine and the psychiatrist helped a great deal. Just wish the same thing will happen on your husband and that he can fully recover from his abnormal addiction. There is always hope.You have my thoughts and love,

Karen

I can't thank all of you enough. I admit that I had to think twice before posting my previous message. The last thing I want to do is bring negativity in anyone's life at this point. But, in all your responses, I felt the love instead. Even though my experience is not what all of you are facing (THANK GOD), you took the time to support me. You have no idea how much this has helped me in the past two days.

I loved my family and friends, but lost the majority of them in the past three years. I lost all of my support system within months. I always knew that I had a safe place to fall with my boys, if need be, before then. That all changed in a blink. I don't want to imagine where I would be today, if I hadn't found this extended "family".

Danny, I know you will find this hard to believe , I have a mouth, but a soft heart. I kept hoping that somehow, someway, Dennis' condition would improve, thus, helping me through my own problems. God gave me the strength to see that wasn't going to happen without some action on my part.

I'm still praying I'll have more courage, if detox/rehab fails. All I know is I have 27 more days to heal myself enough that I'll be able to face whatever happens.

God is there though. I can guarantee that without a doubt. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have survived all this. Along with all my "family".

I love you all,
Mandi

So he's in a 30 day "spin dry" (Detox is usually only 3 days)? Just remember that recovery is a life long program. HE (not you) has to be willing to go to ANY lengths to get it. If he's not willing to do AA - preferably daily meetings - or at least 90 meetings in 90 days you're in trouble. If he's a train wreck he should be thinking about a half way house after the spin dry. Do not let him manipulate you - we drunks are experts at that. We're also great liars and deceivers.

As we have suggested many times before get into Alanon and learn more about rescuing and enabling behavior or this will be just one more frustrating trip on the merry go round. I would suggest that you get a copy of the Big Book and read pp58-88 and also pp104-135.

Just like cancer recurrence, alcohol does the same game - it's always worse in a relapse. Even if you stop the disease keeps on going. There are many parallels between cancer and alcoholism. Always remember that drinking is only a symptom of the disease, that's why it is vital to work the steps and uncover the root causes. Having a sponsor (one with serious recovery and step experience) is also vital.

So here is an outline of the program:
Go to meetings
Read the Big Book
Get a sponsor
Work the steps
Get into service

It's not rocket science.

And by the way, you cannot "heal yourself" - it requires the grace of a higher power.

I just joined this forum because of my brother, an extremely heavy smoker and drinker who waited two years before mentioning the ulcer in his mouth to anyone. A couple of months ago he had surgery that removed almost all of his lower teeth, some jawbone and lots of tissue. He went right back to smoking and drinking and chickened out of the prescribed radiation.

Needless to say, he's right back in hospital again and facing radiation with no choice about it because they say it's a matter of days until he'll be unable to eat or even breathe. He's in horrible pain. The only bright spot I can see is that although the cancer has spread to lymph tissue, it's still localized in the mouth. I'm torn between anger and sorrow and guilt - all complicated by the fact that my two siblings and I live 300 miles away, and my brother's primary support is our 75-year-old, widowed mom.

It has already been helpful to me to realize that there are other people out there who love difficult people, people whose lives are at risk because they can't walk away from cigarettes and alcohol. Thank you to you all and my prayers are with you all too.

Sarah,

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Have you considered Al-Anon? They can help you handle the feelings of guilt and anger. It is bad enough having to watch somebody you love suffer from cancer, having to watch them actively aid in the killing process is too much!! I wish I could do or say something to help, but please believe there are lots of us who are praying for you and your family.

Michelle, I encourage you to look into the possibility of a halfway house for your husband. I know he'll probably be strongly against it, but Gary is right, it would be a great help in his recovery, and yours too.

Love, Leena

Sarah,

Welcome to this site -- I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you'll find plenty of support and helpful information on this board. Are there any friends living closer to your mom who might be able to give her some help? How is her health? Caregivers in this situation can become very stressed and if there is someone nearby who can relieve some of that (by bringing meals, running errands, etc.) it might give her a much-needed lift.

Mandi -- I tend to agree with Gary's and Leena's recommendations about a halfway house. In my earlier post I mentioned that one of my relatives had been through something similar, and he spent several months after rehab in a halfway house that helped him get some necessary discipline and structure into his day-to-day routine. It was a bumpy ride for awhile, but the end result was a dramatic change in his life (and, as Gary said, AA meetings as a regular part of his schedule).

Cathy

Sarah,

Welcome to the neighborhood and I am sorry you are having to see your brother and now your mother subjected to this terrible disease. I am a bit concerned with the sketchy details of your brother's cancer. When you mention spreading to the lymph tissue, this is an indication that the cancer has spread to places that make it very difficult to treat. By postponing and/or refusing (chickening out of) treatment and letting the cancer infiltrate, your brother may have already chosen his destiny.

I don't know from your post where the primary cancer is and the stage and how far it has spread. Localized and in the lymph system are contradictory. Add to that the concerns of the doctors that he won't be able to eat or breathe soon and the picture I have is very grim. The pain could be caused by not taking care of himself post surgery or as you state it could be his continued smoking and drinking burning the wounds from surgery.

From what I am reading, your mother is the one I am most worried about. It sounds like your brother has already decided he is not going to fight the cancer and let it take its course. Your mother, on the other hand must feel totally helpless and majorly stressed.

Your feelings of anger, sorrow and guilt are quite normal as a family member of a cancer patient. I don't usually address something so frankly but this is a good time to form rational thoughts and do everything in your power to help your mother. At her age, do you want the entire burden placed on her? Do whatever you can to get your brother all the support you can find in the area. Check with his medical facility to find a social worker and lay out a plan to address your brother's needs. Then, do everything in your power to get your mother out of the situation if even for weekends. She may want to take care of her child without paying attention to her limitations.

My father is 74 years old and I made it a point to keep him as shielded from my disease as I can. I always portray my health as great and if it takes every once of energy, I want him to avoid worrying. There is nothing harder on a parent than seeing their child suffer.

You do not have to stop loving your brother but do realize his life is not at risk because it has already progressed past risk and is now advanced cancer. His choices of being irresponsible with his health issues and treatment options should be respected but not forced on others, i.e. your mother.

These seemingly harsh words are spoken from the heart and only intended to extend compassion to your mother. She has paid her dues in life and deserves all the comfort her children can possibly provide her in her golden years.

Ed