I think I always knew I would one day be writing this post. I hoped I was wrong.

I watched so many good people, who tried so hard, leave here. Dennis defied the odds, and I felt selfish even reading the posts. Why did he make it, and not the others? After drinking for years after remission, and never stopping smoking, did he have a right to survive? Now, I'm back, and I feel little asking for support.

Dennis has been diagnosed with a recurrant tumor on the base of his tongue. On Sept. 4th, he will have this removed, along with the lymph nodes on the left side, with a pec flap. The feeding tube will be put back in, and a trach will be necessary........at least while in the hospital.

I don't feel like I can justify what he is putting himself through......let alone the boys. The oldest is 16, and suffering terribly. The youngest.......well, he is trying to deny the problem exists.

I'm not asking for help, or hope. I guess I just need to explain how I feel during this. There is nobody around who really understands.

Should I prepare my sons for the worst, or go with the sometimes impersonal, yet optomistic, medical demeanor?

Mandi

Kids pick up on stuff -they already know that things are tough. If they were mine I would be open and direct and keep them in the loop of all of the possibilities, including the fact that there is still hope. Counseling may help and maybe the school counselour can be a resource. it is bound to impact their levels of performance in school.

Mandy,dont ever think there is no one here who understands.Read my old posts and look at my signature.Unfortunately there are several wives/partners/carers who have had experience with men folk who have done and are doing exactly the same as Dennis.
Feel free to e-mail me anytime on any subject, and as i learnt no one here will ever censure you for the choices your husband makes,and the support and backup you will get will hopefully help you to cope a little better,and will be wholehearted.

love liz

Hello Mandi

The Truth shall set you free.

The support will always be here, just type.

And you know we are all told to not look at "The odds", as we are all different.

Help him with this last good, and strong, week he has before the fight begins. There is much for him to prepare for and say.

My prayers are with you. PeteyB

I've tried to email both of you, but I'm not sure you recieved the messages. My server does not cooperate at times.

I want to thank you for taking time out of your own struggles to offer me strength. God love you.

Mandi

Mandi,
I am sorry you are facing such a difficult battle, but you will fight again. Try not to forget that we are humans, and sometimes as humans we make lousy decisions--also known as mistakes. Try to let go of feeling bad asking for help, hope or guidance. There is still hope, I would not give up on that, no matter how frightened or upset you may be. I would be honest with your children, it has helped me the most with my two girls, especially on days when I have been emotionally down or just feeling drained.
Good luck and let us know how YOU are.
Donna

There you have it Mandi!
Everyone on here will just support you, share their many and varied experiences and answer your questions.
You are not alone!

Brenda

Mandi,
I agree with what Gary said....kids know more than perhaps we sometimes give them credit for. They have intuition seemingly beyond their years sometimes. I have four children - ages 8, 9, 11, and 14. I have had more detailed discussions with my 14 year old than the others because she understands more and asks a lot of questions. But I have taken the same approach Gary suggested - open and honest with the kids about everything, no secrets. I've tried to do it with a positive flair so the kids can see me smiling and laughing and being "ok" with everything. At least in my case, the kids seem to take their cues from how I'm approaching it.
When I was about to have my neck dissection and I told the kids that I could have some arm mobility problems afterwards, I made some funnies with the after-effects - showing them how I'd have to throw a football now (told the boys I'd "throw like a girl" now), how I'd swim lopsided, shoot airballs in basketball, etc. They got the biggest kick out of that. I think they 'get it' that it's serious stuff and that nerve damage or loss of mobility isn't funny in and of itself. But them seeing me laughing about it and just rolling with it made them feel better and not so scary. Maybe humor isn't always appropriate but that's just an example of what worked for our family in that case.

Best to you,
Steve

Thank you all for your kind words.

I'm afraid I'm the one who is falling apart this time around.

The boys are 16 and 13. My oldest is worried about providing for the family, while the youngest is more worried about "having something to remember his father by" I've assured them both that Dad will make it through the surgery.

What neither remember is the alcoholic, belligerant man I dealt with five years ago. Granted, he hasn't had a drink in three years, but I still feel slighted. I saw him through this bullshit one time. I begged him to stop smoking, but NO. He wouldn't. Now I'm the one who has to once again parent these boys by myself? I'm so angry! Why does this disease give him the right to give his all to his job, second to me and his children...........and third to death?


Thank you all for hearing me ramble. It means the world.

Mandi

Hi Mandi,

My husband just completed chemo/radiation for the first time. I pray that this cancer beast will never return as my heart breaks when I read about a recurrence.

My husband doesn't smoke or drink, and still I'd curl up in the fetal position and cry my eyes out if we ever had to repeat a timeframe like we just went through this summer.

Hmmmm...if he did smoke and drink, I'd have to be honest, I'd probably be throwing dishes and breaking them too. Well, maybe. Certainly, mad as hell comes to mind.

There have been many posts on here about addictions...and the power they hold over people.

I pray that your husband sees this turn of events as a reason to stop smoking, and a reason to appreciate the amazing people who have stuck through him through the years.

And, I pray for strength for you. And, if you don't feel that strength inside you I hope you'll keep posting here and that you'll find the strength from the people who want to support you on this new leg of the journey.

I'm exhausted, this summer has been the toughest one that I ever endured...and, I'm just the caregiver...not the patient.

Although, as you know...balancing kids and your husband's needs and all the other things life throws at you...it's hard. I have also been trying to keep a biz afloat...that's been tough too.

And, I went into this having NO idea what we were getting into. That is when ignorance is bliss. You don't get the luxury of that the second time around.

Will your husband only have surgery or will he have chemo and rad again?

Are you sensing a shift in your husband...like a wake up call kind of shift?

Do YOU have a good support system...friends, neighbors, family?