Dear all,

I hope this finds everyone enjoying the holiday season to the fullest.

I'm facing a serious problem, however, and hope there is someone out there to give me advice.

Yes,as so many of you loving people have asked, Dennis is still cancer free, with scans scheduled two weeks from now. His major problem now is alcoholism and an inability to stop smoking. Even after being subjected to rad, chemo, and an upper lung lobectomy, he continues to drink and smoke more than ever. Yes, it has escalated....I'm talking a case of beer a day and two to three packs of cigarettes.

I've done everything that I know to do to help him. From pampering, pleading, crying, joking, bribing, and yes, physically fighting him (he's lost a lot of his strength!) and nothing, and I mean NOTHING changes his course of self-destruction. No amount of my input makes a difference. In his eyes, if he is able to work, (and this is when he can manage the hang-over) he is doing his part. Thank God he has a wonderful employer, or we would have been on the streets months ago.

Now, I know what needs to be done. I have to get him into rehab. And this brings me to my big question. Has anyone out there gone through the process of having a loved one committed? I understand from my nephew, who is a policeman, that I can have him admitted to detox, but only by going in front of a judge and getting an order. Then they will physically show up at our house, hand-cuff him and take him.

As you can imagine, this process scares the shit out of me! I feel like I'm going out in a new deminsion with no knowledge. I don't want my boys (12 and 9) to see their Dad hauled away with the lights flashing. Not that I care what the neighbors know, but I don't want this to be a spectacle.

Please, if you can give me any kind of input, let me know.

Love Always,
Mandi

I know that alcoholism is a "disease", but I can't help but wonder what makes him this way. Before the dx he was a drinker, but always maintained the highest attitude when it came to his family, and, especially his job. Now, even when I ask, he won't commit to anything being worth his changing the behavior.

I'm lost guys. I'm embarrassed for even asking, but I need your help in this one. With the holidays coming, the first since I lost my mom in June, I'm about to crumble.

Love,
Mandi

Mandi, I sent you a private message... If you didn't get, let me know your e-mail.. Been down this road myself also.

Hi Mandi
I only know you need help, but don't know how best to help you. When my husband took up with alcohol big time like you I tried to reason with him but it didn't work, and in the end I took an overdose of sleeping pills, everything just became to much for me, but thank god he stopped drinking and I now have my husband back and I must admit it's good. I don't think you can do this by yourself, and give support to everyone with out paying the price. In the States do the AA have a family support group? as they do here in England, I think you need some outside help, where the advice can be logical not emotional. It can all come good, although 3 months ago I wouldn't have believed it, but it's a hard road and I wish I could help more. Don't forget we are all here for you. god bless
Love and Hugs Helen

Dear Mandi,

One thing alcoholics (like me) are good at is giving advice! You sure don't need his drinking right now or ever. My suggestion would be to look up Alanon in your area and get to a meeting. There you will meet others who have been through the same thing.
Prayers are with you.
God bless
Judy U

Hi Mandi,
I too am a caregiver for an oral cancer patient but have not encountered what you are facing. I don't have much to offer but support. It seems that every patient has a different way to cope with this illness. I am just so sorry your husband has chosen something so destructive. Make sure you and children learn how to cope with this and take care of yourselves. Hug your boys. Sometimes it is the best medicine. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Cindy

I wrote Gary and asked him to write to you as he has been through it all, and has been an AA counselor. While he hasn't been able to get on the board for computer reasons, he told be to tell you that YOU need to get into an Alanon group. Your mental well being is at stake here too, it isn't just about your husband. I urge you to listen to Gary's recomendation.

Thank you all for your support. You have no idea how hard it has been for me to acknowledge this problem privately, let alone, put it into words.

My life no longer resembles what it was two years ago. I find myself staying up all night with my thoughts while it is quiet, and sleeping the day away until my boys get home. Then it takes all my energy to make life as normal as possible for them. I find my greatest obstacle with coping right now is absolutely NO patience for so called "important" issues. The solicitor that calls at dinner, the science fair project, the unsigned agenda,....or my favorite.....the asswipe teacher who told my son that being absent on Veteran's Day was an unexcused absence!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I'm over the desperate phase. Not long ago I was either crying or in a vegetable state. With the help of my anti-depressants, most of the symptoms have been relieved.....or maybe "numbed", when it comes to caring so much. But to be honest, sometimes the smallest irritants can send me over the edge temporarily.

I will never understand Dennis' mentality. In the past he has always been the take-control, fixer-upper in our family. For me to find him this weak, is like living with a stranger. There used to be lucid moments that tended to give me hope, but each time he returned to the stupor. Now, if not at work, he is in a perpetual black-out. I mourn him constantly, as if he has already passed.

I will be looking into the nearest Alanon meeting tomorrow. I'm educated enough to know that I need this.........along with my boys. The hardest part is the total helplessness that I feel while still in love with the "old" Dennis.

I'm only 36. But I feel 90. I've got to pick up my life at this point, and stop trying to live for him.

I love you all and God Bless,
Mandi

Hi Mandi
You're doing well girl! You have made the biggest step and faced up to the fact that this is not your problem it's his and you can't deal with his problem, only yours. Make space for yourself and your sons, get your life back first, it's not selfish it's the only way, then I pray that you and your family get back what you had before, it can be done, but it won't be easy.
love and prayers Helen

Atta girl, Mandi, you are taking the first step! And a very big one at that. It won't be easy but as you learn about alcohol (cunning and baffling) you will learn how to deal with your husband. You love him.....that's a good thing. Not all alcoholics are so lucky. I will keep you both in my prayers. Keep us informed, ok?
God bless
Judy U

Get with alanon and take care of yourself first. If you let the situation get a hold on you than you will render yourself unavailable as a help.
Its not easy but it is nessecary. I entered AA in 1982 and have remained sober ever since. What I learned there has helped cope with my present situation and have not had a desire to go back to the bottle. The program really works for those who want help.