I'm living with a man who just had the confirmation here recently that he has cancer on his tounge and mouth and is needing surgery soon.. i understand hes in a lot of pain and it seems he doesnt want bothered.. but what i dont understand is how he can be so mean and push away the one that he claims to love... i dont know what to do for him... i know this is his cancer but he doesnt understand that it affects me too.. he has no idea how it hurts me to see him in such pain....i find myself crying at the drop of a hat here lately.. it doesnt matter where...home ..work... it just happens...WHAT IS A PERSON TO DO???...

Dear Barb - You've already done something really good by coming to this site. One of the worst times for a cancer survivor and for the person close to him is when you first get the diagnosis and the time when you can start fighting it. There is a wealth of information on this site and lots of helpful, caring people that will help. You can start by using the "search" function on the main page or at the top of this one. Do you know the stage of cancer and type of surgery? It is also important to be at a cancer center that has a team approach to the treatment. When my son was diagnosed with his tongue cancer, he was in a tremendous amount of pain, too - and this as well as the shock of the diagnosis can certainly affect a person's disposition. Did the doctor prescribe any medication for his pain? You need to think about yourself, too. Take deep breaths, and know that you can get thru this - a day at a time and sometimes more like 5 minutes at a time. If the anxious moments get really bad, perhaps your doctor can give you something. The more you can find out about what his treatment plan is, and what you both can do to fight the cancer beast, the better you both will feel. Being a caregiver is certainly no pic-nic. Sometimes it is really hard to know what to say or do for the person that means so much to you - but hang in there. Things will get better!

Welcome Barb

You have come to the best place possible for help and understanding.

Everyone here will help you and your mate get through this. They are all caring, compassionate people who possess first hand knowledge.

Please keep posting here and keep asking any and all questions and we will help you.

I have just gone through this almost identical procedure. I was scared and frightened. I too, was in a mindset that I would not get treated and that this was the end.

This was only because of my lack of knowledge. They removed almost half my tongue and I was talking and eating (soft foods) in 2 days. My surgery was 45 days ago and I can talk fine and eat anything. I had false teeth prior and I will need new ones after radiation treatment.

If I had teeth I would be almost normal and could eat anything.

It is a very scary situation when they tell you they want to remove part of your tongue.

The people on this forum gave me the courage and knowledge to fight and win against what we sometimes call "The Beast".

I am still healing but I am doing fine. I am working (more than I

This does not sound like a totally unique delimma Barb. If you surf around this board you will find some similar recent posts and they all seem to be from female mates. I'm beginning to think that this type of situation is not all that uncommon, especially during the early stages of the initial shock that comes with diagnosis.

Bill D.

Hello Barb

I know this is a very stressful time for you. I hope these messages have helped you.

Please keep posting here.

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I am Praying for you and wishing the best.

Sincerely, Petey

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Good Morning Barb!
I think everyone here has felt something of what you wrote about. I too was crying at the drop of a hat....anytime, anywhere. I followed the advice of some wise friends here at the forum and went and spoke with my doctor about an antidepressant...I han't realized how much everything was really affecting me till recently. I started the meds and felt a lot better within a week or so.
My whole family breaks down at times, my mom, who is the best person I have ever met in my life turns into a bear at times and it's very upsetting. After a few gnarly growls she herself gets upset and ends up in tears. I wish the rest of my family could understand that she is venting and in pain. At times-she is awful. I dont' know if the meds helped me or it's my faith helping me keep everything together. Mom won't go on any meds, she would be disturbed if she knew I went on them. It may be something to look into. Also, my parents, who normally get along better than any two people I know, have moments of ugliness. It happens. I know that saying is probably true that when something bad happens to us we usually take it out on the ones we love most. I guess because of the trust we feel. Good luck.

Good Morning Barb, I am sorry your husband has been dealt this and for you too. Can he get pain medication from his doctor, sounds like he needs something to get him through until his surgery. And can you get something for the anxiety (which is totally understood) from your doctor? I am thinking of you and hoping things get better, you can pm or email me if you want. Carol

Hi Barb- I know how you feel. Just last night I had a crying fit and finally had to get some things off my chest that were bothering me. I felt bad about letting my significant other hear all I had to say, but sometimes you can't keep stuff pent up. My man doesn"t like to talk about it. Today he starts his 3rd week of radiation. He is gone for a week at time because it's a 200 mile round trip. Keep yourself busy. I have painted everything I can from doors to the cattle pen. I wish I could be with him everyday, but we have cattle, pets, and a huge yard to care for. This is a great site. I read all I can for hours. Hang in there.

I want to thank everyone here for the advice... i did get him to go to the hospital yesterday (July 1) he was in such pain and it was to the point that he couldnt even swallow his own spit..he is swollen really bad, the drs say he has an absess of some kind in his mouth and is full of infection in his tonuge and face and neck and nodes... its not good.. was causing him alot of pain in his ear and tonuge and face and neck.. i guess infection will do that..they have him on fluids because he was dehydrated and antibiotics and pain meds.. as much as i would like to be at the hospital i cant be there all the time.. its 2 hours away.. and i have a 14 year old at home and i have to work also.. but i will make it back to the hospital as soon as i can..i talked to him today he sounded a little better but not much.. still having trouble talking...as for myself i am on welbutrin and i do have a script for xanax to take as needed.. i have taken them here lately.. it makes me sleepy but it does seem to calm me down somewhat....well i must go for now but like i said THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL THE ADVICE.. i really needed someone to talk to..

Barb: I am a two-time cancer survivor, and NOW I'm on the other side of the fence, as a caregiver. Although husband has barely been diagnosed a month, I can already tell you that it is much easier to be the cancer victim! It's so hard to know what to say, much less what to do in this situation. Just know that there are others who are going through this, and we MUST lean on each other as much as possible. It has been most helpful to me to be able to 'vent' and ask many questions on this forum, as we are all in the same situation, in one way or another.
So, welcome, friend! Keep us updated on the progress of your loved one and we will definitely keep you both in our prayers! Lois and Buzz in NC