Sharlee - I am so glad that things were a little better for you, today. And how great that your friend was there to support you! You really do need to take care of yourself and you cannot do everything or worry about everything at once. I was married for 20 years to an abusive alcoholic and it took me way too long to realize it. But if you think alcohol could be the problem (there are ways like checklists to be able to decide) - then, as Petey says, you should get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. Living with an alcoholic is a crazy-maker. After attending my first Al-Anon meeting, I left there feeling like a tremendous weight had been lifted off my shoulders - a weight I hadn't even realized was there. You have gotten such good advice and thoughts above. Just remember we are all thinking about you and hoping everything goes well. If you need to talk more about Al-Anon or anything else, please PM me.

Sharlee,

My ex husband was (and is) an alcoholic and I went through some tough times with my current husband when I was fighting two kinds of cancer at once because the cancer thing just freaked him out so I have been sort of near the shoes you are in though not exactly in them.

And although,like Minnie, I'd like to whop your husband's ass right now for what he said to you, I think the most sane advice I can give you is to get counseling help for yourself RIGHT NOW. As others have suggested, ask to speak to the social worker at your hospital, they will know of what's available. I'm also a veteran of al-anon and I agree with others who have suggested them although quite honestly I don't think al-anon will be enough to help you through the stress of fighting cancer right now. Still, you need all the support you can get and it can't hurt to check them out.

Honestly, it's hard for me to tell from what you've written if your husband really is an alcoholic or is just abusing alcohol because of the stress of the cancer stuff you are going through. If there were cracks in your marriage before, this disease can turn them into fault lines. That's what happened for me--and the cracks were ones I didn't even know were there before I got cancer. Fortunately, my husband and I went to couples counseling and our marriage seems to be back on track. But believe me, it was touch and go for a while and it happened during a year of cnacer treatment hell for me.

So my other advice is, along with getting help for yourself, if there's any way you can, see about getting some kind of marriage or couples counseling. Actually, maybe you need a family counselor because it sounds like your teenage daughter may need to see how important it is to support you too right now.

Bottom line is, if you do have more cancer (and don't assume you do just yet) and need radiation, even if there are other issues, they are just going to have to wait at least a little while. And people need to understand that. If your family, especially your husband, can not understand that, maybe you need to move somewhere (in with sibling or a friend?) where you will be cared for or at least not unduly stressed when you are going through treatment--with the promise that you will come back to try to work out your family issues as soon as you have the energy.

Finally do remember that we care about you here and will try to offer whatever cyber-support we can.

Oh, and thanks for putting more line breaks in your writing. It really helps someone like me with old eyes in terms of being able to follow what you're saying....

Nelie

Sharlee---I agree with Nelie totally--you need every ounce of help you can get for yourself right now! I cannot imagine how you can have fought this disease AND run a house and 5 kids--that's one Hell of an achievement

I also agree with the comment about writing being therapeutic--I went out and bought myself a pad, file and some pretty-coloured gel pens, and I write down each day what I'm feeling.

Something I've learned from this site is how caring everyone is and also that the 'one thing at a time' philosophy is the only way to get through--and that's before I even start treatments!

Am thinking of you Sahrlee and come and vent anytime!
Brenda

Sharlee,

I was thinking about you earlier today and just wanted to add one piece of advice which is do not try to argue about anything with your husband while he is drinking. Whether or not he's an alcoholic or just abusing alcohol because he's stressed, alcohol doesn't make for positive conversations during tense times.

When I was splitting up with my ex (over a decade ago now), a counselor I saw used to tell me there are only five words you should use in conversation with an active alcoholic. They are:

"yeah." "no." "really?" "oh." and "whatever".

I still find this list of words a good list to have when I'm dealing with someone who's really ranting about something. Try them out next time your husband acts like a jerk--wait to have the meaningful conversation about how you're feelibg until he's in a place where he might be able to hear what you're saying!

Nelie

Rob and i always had a fairly confrontational relationship,and Rob always used to save his best barbs for when he had a few drinks,it was almost like he needed the alcohol to give him the neccessary degree of venom to hurt the most.
From the day he was diagnosed with cancer,the confrontations ceased and a much more subtle method of verbal abuse replaced it.I recognised this shift quite early on, and decided there and then that i wouldnt under any circumstances give him the satisfaction of
a) seeing how hurt and upset i was,
b) Not retaliating.
I hoped that by doing this he would give it up as a bad job,and so an uneasy truce reigned, and i tried to put all my efforts into showing him i loved him and would do anything he needed to help him fight his way back to full health.I used all the words that Nelie quoted but mostly i kept my silence and just removed myself from the situation.This worked because i refused to fuel the fire, and the flames quickly died down. So Shar my advice for what it is worth is dont flare up when he doesnt behave in the way you want him too,dont give him any room to instigate a fight,and he will soon get bored when he doesnt get a reaction.It will also make him look at you more closely and try and work out what is going on.

Sharlee,

You have been so supportive in all your posts to me about my mom. As with many of those that care enough to support total strangers on this site, you have shown a strong commitment to both resilience and sensitivity. I was deeply saddened by your news.

Perhaps the ENT doc is just being overly protective in his aggressive preliminary diagnosis. I pray he is wrong.

Your husband sounds like a shallow, angry boy who is in denial. Don

Sharlee,

My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

Shar-
I know you are waiting for your PET results from yesterday and I am thinking of you. Let us know what you find out. We'll be praying for good results.

Oh boy, are we SO all in this together!
Although last week I was given diagnosis of 'lung, spread to nodes, liver and jawbone', it's still the jaw problems that are seriously 'presenting'.
Shar---I brought twins up on my own, they're 33 now (next week actually) and I just did 'the best I could'
Just concentrate on you, remeber what a good job you've done so far and don't allow ANYONE to put you down.
You've dealt with so much so far, and will continue to do so--however you decide to do it!
Try Yoga breathing--it's the only thing which has got me through tests/needles/knives/tunnels so far---and will hopefully get me thro my 2 docs appointments for a possible 'plan' tomorrow.
We're here for you Shar
Brenda x

Talked to my new Dr today.. He doset have results yet he said , he also stated he dosent like to give results over phone..SO I will know nothing until Fri,, I hate the wait and of course I feel the thing on my face is growing daily ( i know it really isnt ) but def more tender..Thanks to all of you who are helping me through this !! I couldnt do this with out you . Things here are OK I guess .. Been so busy this week with Drs and scans ,LOL No time for anything else ! ANd joe has worked both jobs so i havent seen him much , we did however go to school today for Alex's (6) field day ..so that was nice . well gonna try to sleep !! Talk to you all soon !